Feelin’ Like It’s All Over, Feelin’ Like There’s No Love.

Tears slowly fell from my eyes, as I drove my old piece of junk car down the familiar roads. I was going back to my safe place, where nothing mattered but him and me. Everything was okay there. No one could hurt me. Nothing that was said or done to make me upset could affect me when I was with him.

I parked my car in my usual spot, and got out. Not many people came here unless they had to, so I didn’t have to worry about bumping into anyone. The tears were flowing a little heavier now as I walked through the iron gate. They were making it a little harder to see, not that I would have any trouble getting to where I was headed. I could get there with my eyes closed now.

I watched the ground as I walked. My Slayer Vans clad feet moving forward, one after the other, trampling the luscious green grass. Flowers that families had planted for their loved ones were in bloom. The whole place was very alive for a cemetery. I wiped away some tears as I continued on my way.

As soon as his headstone came into view I increased my pace. I needed to talk to him right now; I needed him to make everything okay again. It was sad how much I relied upon a dead man, especially one I had never met before. That didn’t matter to me though. He was someone I could relate to, someone who I felt could understand me, and that was all that I needed. I didn’t think he would judge me, or look down upon anything I’d done. And if he would have, well, I’d never know.

I sat down beside his headstone, pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them, hid my face in my arms, and cried. I just let everything go, I wasn’t holding any of the tears back now. I leaned against his headstone for support. I was shaking and occasionally choking I was crying so hard. Feeling the cold stone against my side was just as comforting as having someone wrap their arms around me.

After I just about cried myself out, I began to tell him everything. Though first I apologized for always dropping all of my problems on him. I explained how I had gone to visit my, soon to be ex, boyfriend out on tour and found him with three very gorgeous and very voluptuous women backstage. The one man I had actually fallen completely head over heals in love with would have to be the one who completely crushes me.

I took a large breath after breaking down into tears again, “I should have expected it though. Really… I don’t know who I was kidding. I’m nowhere near as pretty as all the girls he has throwing themselves at him. I’m not all that curvy, I have little boobs, I’m short and rail thin, I have boring brown hair… just about the only nice thing about me is my eyes… but most people think they’re weird because they’re mismatched.”

I stopped and looked over at his headstone. I wiped away more tears; they were starting to make my cheeks itch. I leaned my head against the cool stone, “I just wish there was some way I could know that you’re actually listening.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. I felt a little better now that I’d gotten everything off my chest, but I still hurt. My heart felt heavy. Every ounce of self-confidence I had once had was gone. I was ashamed and felt completely betrayed by the living person I loved more then anything on this earth. The best part of it though, I still loved the bastard. Totally and completely, my heart was his. I was torn.

I opened my eyes and looked down to where his body had been laid to rest. There was a little yellow butterfly resting there. I slowly lowered my hand down, and put my finger in front of it. A smile slowly spread across my face, as the little bug crawled onto my finger.
I very slowly brought it up closer to my face.

After a moment it flew off. As my eyes followed it they landed on someone who I never expected to see in my entire life. He was seated on a headstone rather close to where I was, watching me with a sad look in his blue eyes. I could only assume he had heard my blubbering.

I wasn’t sure whither to be embarrassed or excited, when he waved slightly to me. He made his way over to where I was still seated. I couldn’t move; I was too shocked. This just couldn’t be happening to me right now. I had to be dreaming.

“You come here often I gather?” he asked as he extended his hand down to me.

I silently nodded my head, yes. A hot blush was crawling over my slightly itchy cheeks. I took his hand and shook it.

He looked sadly over at the headstone, “I sometimes think I don’t come enough…” he looked around and slightly shivered, “these places give me the creeps though.”

I softly smiled up at him, a man I had been looking up to practically since birth, “I find it comforting… it’s quiet…”

He looked thoughtful, and nodded his head as though he was considering what I was saying, “I guess, yeah. I suppose you can’t make much noise when you’re dead.”

I smiled and looked down at my feet, “no… probably not.”

He smiled back, then looked down at Steves grave. He took a breath and closed his eyes. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, so I stayed where I was and looked down at the grave too. I felt a little awkward, but he did sit there and listen to me when I was poring my heart out.

After a few minutes passed, with his eyes still closed he began to talk again; “so that… Bryan bloke, he sounds like a real wanker.”

I couldn’t stop myself from giggling slightly at that, as I nodded my head in agreement. Phil opened his eyes and smiled down at me. He then looked thoughtful, “I suppose I’m not really one to talk though, eh? Course, neither was Clarkie here… but I do see where you’re coming from, luv… speaking from experience here, there’s a lot of temptation out there on the road, and it can get rather lonely. Which makes it easier to give in to those temptations… like women… do ya follow me?”

I wasn’t quite sure where he was going with all of this, but I nodded my head, yes. I was sure he had some sort of good point he was trying to make.

“Usually those women don’t mean a thing, luv. Trust me, as much as this guy sounds like a complete git. From what you say, it sounds like he really does love you… and you’re the girl he’s comin’ home to,” he knelt down to my level, and placed a hand on my shoulder, “I realise that that probably doesn’t sound all that great,” he looked around slightly, “it certainly didn’t make me sound all that great. But do you get where I’m comin’ from?”

I looked down at my feet for a moment and tried to take it all in. I did understand what he was saying. I looked up at him and nodded, “yeah, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

He frowned and pulled me into a hug, “I know, luv. I know… just try to understand what’s goin’ on with him. Give ‘em a chance? Just talk things out with him,” he released me, “hopefully things will work out just fine… but don’t just give up so easily. It sounds like you’ve got something genuine, and that’s hard to find nowadays.”

I thought about it for a moment. I did really love Bryan, and he did always seem to make a point of telling me that he loved me too. I just didn’t know if I could see past this, and if I could it would take a very long time before we ever got back to where we were. And I didn’t know if I could ever trust Bryan again, this was just too much. Phil was probably right though. I should at the very least talk to him.

I looked up at Phil, “I guess you’re right… I’ll try.”

He smiled brightly, “good. Well… I best be off or I’ll be late. It was nice meeting you-?”

“Stella.”

“It was nice meeting you, Stella,” he gave me a slight wave, before he started to walk back to the entrance of the cemetery, “and good luck.”

“It was nice meeting you too!” I called after him, “and thank you.”

He smiled and waved again, and kept on his way. I couldn’t help but grin stupidly. That was probably the best thing that had ever happened to me. Never in all my twenty-five-years did I think I would meet Phil Collen, especially while sitting next to Steve Clarks grave -which, now that I think of it, makes me seem like a huge weirdo. I didn’t care about that at the moment though. Only one thing was going through my mind now, and that was talking to Bryan when I got home. Though I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.

The little yellow butterfly flew in front of my face, getting my attention, and landed on the headstone. And then it all clicked.

“That’s you’re sign then, eh, Steve?” I smiled down that the little bug, “thank you for always listening… thank you everything…”