It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

It was almost a week since Matthew had realized that I was ‘completely and totally devoted’ to Carter. It was prime breaking up time. It was the proper amount of time for us to break down the trust of our almost three week relationship, and perfect for us to have a screaming match about trust, smothering, and jealousy. Our stage the lunch table. Our scrip. We didn’t have one. It was just go out with a bang. Maybe a tossed drink, a slap in the face, nothing that would hurt me. Anything to show everyone that it was completely over and done with.

“Where’s Carter?” Melissa asked in a sing song voice.

“What do I look like? His GPS?”

Melissa screwed her face up with a look annoyance and rolled her eyes.

“No. I just figured you would know what class he had this period. I mean you two are dating.”
“Yeah well we like keeping the mystery.”

Melissa laughed loudly, forgetting the rude comment I had made minutes before.

“Oh you are just a riot!” she playfully, but not really, hit my arm.

I cringed. She really did not know her own strength, and everyone was afraid to tell her. No one wanted to know what it would feel like if she hit someone with the intention of causing bodily harm.

“OH!” she grinned deviously. “Here’s your favorite! I’ll leave you two love birds alone.”

One perk of ‘dating’ Carter was that I only had to spend five minutes of the lunches I shared with Melissa actually talking to Melissa. Carter took Melissa’s spot at the table looking like he had just received a death sentence.

“Did you fail something?”

“NO!” he shot back in a defiant tone.

“Jeez! SOR-RY! Good thing we’re ‘breaking up’ today!”

“Yeah whatever.” he mumbled under his breath.

“Seriously. What’s wrong? I don’t like seeing you upset unless I inflict the pain on it. Did someone make fun of you? Huh? Do you want me to call his or her parents?”

“Just shut up okay!” if looks could kill I would’ve been pushing up daisies with the daggers, no machine guns, that Carter shot at me. Breaking up with him would go more flawlessly than I planned.

“Um okay.”

We ate our lunch in almost complete silence, except of some inaudible mutterings from Carter. He was acting stranger than usual.

“Are we going to go through with th-”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” he bellowed before grabbing the rest of his lunch and running from the Cafeteria.

And I thought girls were supposed to be the moody ones.

***

“Hey,” I called out on deaf ears. “Hey!” no response. “HEY!” I screamed so loud about three quarters of the locker room turned to stare at me.

“WHAT?” Carter replied harshly.

“What the hell is up with you?” I followed behind him as he strode out of the locker room.
“Let’s not talk about it.”

“No! We’re gonna talk about. Because of your stupid bad mood we’re still going out and we have to go through another weekend as a ‘couple’.”

“So don’t go out anywhere. What do you want from me? You got us into this mess. Why don’t you just change our relationship status on Facebook or something? Don’t all you girls tell whether people are still together or not through that?”

“Wait!” I grabbed his arm. He dragged me along a couple inches before he stopped and turned around to face me.

“I got us into this mess?” my voice rose. “I wanted to break up four days ago! Someone here said ‘ohhh no that’d be fishy let’s wait a couple days,’” I lowered my voice to sound like a stupid teenage boy in order to imitate Carter’s voice.

“Just....I...I...I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!”

I once again positioned my knee in line with his crowned jewels. He was either going to tell me or feel physical pain along with any kind of emotional pain he was going through.

“Tell me!”

“NO!”

I swung my knee back ready for the smashing.

“You have one last chance.”

“Just drop it! Okay?”

I started to swing my knee back forward, almost hitting Carter’s package before he screamed,
“NO! STOP! I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK! Just leave the balls alone. They never hurt anyone.”

“Well I’m glad you can see it my way.”

“Um...well...” Carter rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “It’s just that....”

“When I wanna get something off my chest I just say it really fast like I’mtheonewhosquirtedallthatmusteredinyourlockerlastyear. Like that! It feels liberating.”

“THAT WAS YOU?”

“Stop trying to change the subject Carter.”

“Everything smelled like rotten mustered for the rest of the year! I had to throw out my favorite sweater!”

“It’s useless to linger in the past.”


“I can’t believe you!”

“HEY! This isn’t about me! This about you being a little prick today, and you needing to tell me why.”

“It’s all your fault!” he narrowed his eyes at me.

“Mine? What did I do to you? I didn’t even see you until lunch.”

“No. It wasn’t something you did today.”

I was starting to get a headache, and feel like Melissa. I appreciated her a bit more. It was hard work coercing someone into telling you something.

“I don’t quite follow.”

“Well I’ve been thinking a lot about this ‘breaking up’ thing.”

“What we should wait more or something? Or do it in a different way?”

“No. I....I....” Carter stuttered and stopped mid-sentence.

“Fast. Remember?”

Carter took a deep breath and let loose.

“Idon’twannabreakupbecausethisstupidfakerelationshipthinghasmademelikeyou!”

“Can you say that slower? I didn’t hear you.” I heard him.

“You’re a dirty dirty liar.”

“What? I never said that using that method wouldn’t cause you to have to repeat what you just confessed to.”

“I hate you.”

“Something tells me otherwise.”

Carter sighed heavily before repeating his confession again at a normal speaking pace.
“I don’t wanna break up because this whole fake relationship thing...it...it...well...I’VE DEVELOPED A CRUSH!” he hid his face in his hands.

“On who?” I leaned my head to the side a smug grin on my face.

“Yoouuu,” he moaned through his hands.

“Who? Didn’t your mother tell you that talking through your hands muffled your voice.”

“YOU!” he whispered harshly, looking around frantically to make sure no one was around to listen.

“Hmmm. Well, I can’t blame you. I am quite irresistible.”

“I hate you!”

“No ya don’t,” I smiled deviously and wrapped my arms around his chest. I squeezed him lightly while singing, “Youuuu love me!”

“Don’t touch me,” Carter commanded weakly and without any efforts to remove me from him.

“If only I believed that’s what you want.”

“I will stab you in the face.”

“Okay. Okay. My face is obviously the money maker. I’ll let go and leave, but not before I give you a kiss.”

I stood on my tiptoes, leaning on Carter’s chest for balance. I leaned in slightly, keeping my eyes open in order to watch Carter lean in for the kiss. I let our lips come close enough that he could practically smell what I had for lunch without me breathing before I pulled away.

“Whelp see you tomorrow!” I skipped away jovially.

I left Carter staring after me muttering something along the lines of,

“I hate my life.”