It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

“Hello?” I mumbled into the receiver of my cell phone. The infernal vibrating had once again destroyed my hopes of sleeping in late on Saturday.

“Hey,” Carter’s voice sounded from the ear piece.

“What do you want?”

“Well if you’re gonna be all like that!” he huffed.

I yawned loudly into the phone.

“You woke me up! Now tell me what you want or I’m hanging up.”

“Not a morning person ay?”

“We’ve only been friends for six years and you haven’t gathered that?”

“Well you’re just always so miserable.”

“Obviously it works for someone,” I muttered under my breath.

“SHUT UP!” Carter had still heard what I said.

“Is there a point to this phone call?”

“Yeah. Um I was just wondering if you um wanted to go out tonight?”

“You called at,” I stared over at the digital alarm clock. The red neon numbers blinked twelve-fifteen. “Noon to ask me out for tonight?”

“SHUT UP!” I could see Carter pouting just from the sound of his voice.

“I guess we can go out.”

“Okay!” Carter’s tone immediately changed to one of elation. “I’ll pick you up at seven!”

“Um okay. See you then....I guess.”

“BYE!” he shouted with excitement.

I hung up the phone slightly baffled. I had just agreed to go out on a date with the friend I loved to hate. But did I even like him? Maybe I always liked him and being mean to him was a way to mask my feelings? He was pretty good looking and smart. It was still weird regardless, and I was confused about my feeling about him. I could always use a good hook up though.

***

“Another date?” my mom question, noticing my that I was not in my usual weekend uniform of sweat pants and an old tank top.

“Yeah....I guess.”

“Oh with this Carter that you’re not dating?” she air quoted the last part.

“Yeah,” I sighed heavily.

“Well you’re crazy not to date the kid.”

“We are dating...sort of.”

“Well he’s very cute and smart.”

I rolled my eyes before saying, “Mom you think everyone is cute.”

“That’s not true! I didn’t like that boy Eric that you dated!”

“Whatever.”

My mother had no time to continue her fight that she did not think everyone was cute because the door bell rang.

“Hi Carter!” my mother got to the door before me.

“Hi!” He replied happily.

“Let’s go!” I grabbed Carter’s wrist before they could have anymore small talk. “Bye mom!”
“You two kids have fun!” she called as Carter and I got into his car.

“So where are we going on our date, love?” I asked as Carter pulled the car out of my driveway.
“I dunno. I hadn’t thought that far.”

“What kind of date are you? You get me out of bed at noon, make me get dressed up, and then you don’t have a plan?”

“Well, considering you dated Matthew Perkins, I didn’t think I had to do much to impress you.”
I smacked Carter in the head, causing him to make the car swerve the car towards the sidewalk.

“HEY!” he screamed taking one hand off the steering wheel to shield his head. “Do you wanna kill us?”

“Well, not me particularly.”

“Hey! Come on! I’m paying for you.”

“Oh! OH! Well, you didn’t mention that earlier. Well, then. Drive quite carefully.”

“Gee thanks,” Carter put a cheesy pout on his face. “Now I know what I’m good for.”

“Well, I’m glad you figured that out. How about we go miniature golfing?”

“Sounds good!” his pout turned into a smirk. “I hope you’re not a sore loser.”

“ Pft!” I scoffed in reply. “I hope you’re not a sore loser!”

“Two my good sir!” Carter greeted the clearly stoned kid manning the Mini Golf hut with vigor.

“Uhhhhhh that will be ten dollars.”

Carter smacked down ten dollars, and while the kid got us two golf balls Carter and I tried to find the perfect Miniature golf club.

“Here.” the kid stared at us with glazed over eyes, indicating that he had given us golf balls.

“Thanks! Now you stay in school, ya hear?” Carter advised the golf hut kid before we headed off to the first round.

“You can go first,” he offered.

“Okay,” I began to wiggle my butt and stretch my arms over my head as I stood on the green with club in hand and ball in the ready to hit position.

“What are you doing?” Carter looked on in confusion.

“I’m warming up. It’s a fool proof plan.”

I got into proper miniature golfing position and lightly putted the ball down the straight obstacle less green. The ball rolled lightly into a hole in one.

“WHOOOOOOOOOO!” I threw my hands up over my head in a wave. “YEAH! BEAT THAT!”
Carter went. He got a hole in three. He was angry. He was losing the opportunity to prove that his penis was bigger than my non existent penis, and we had only finished the first hole.

“Hmmm it seems as if my four holes in one just might be beating your what? Oh. I believe it’s no hole in ones,” I stuck my tongue out at Carter as we began the seventeenth hole. I was winning and he wasn’t happy.

“I have time to come back!”

“Um. I don’t think that’s possible at all.”

“Not if you don’t stop distracting me!” Carter putted the ball to, yet again, not get a hole in one.
“LIFE SUCKS!” he bellowed.

“It’s alright. Not everyone can be talented at this. It takes a special kind of person.”

“Yeah. A doofus!” he continued onto the the eighteenth hole.

“HEY! That’s not very boyfriendly of you.”

“Yeah well,” he stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry in the air.

“Real mature,” I rolled my eyes, taking my place on the green. It was time for me to win me a free game.

“As mature as this?” Carter pushed me right as I took my swing, causing the ball to veer into the loser hole that returned the ball back to the hut without a free game.

“Jerk!” I grabbed his ball and threw it in the hole-of-no-return in retaliation.

“OH! You are in for it now!” he chased me to the golf hut where we threw our clubs back to Stonee Mcgee. Carter was in hot pursuit of me.

He grabbed me in the parking lot, lifting me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“This isn’t too bad. I don’t have to walk.”

“Oh well I hate conveniencing you.” Carter placed me lightly back on the ground.

“Awww,” I pouted.

“At the risk of giving you a compliment, you’re cute when you pout,” he stated with a crooked smile before leaning down to kiss my lips.