It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

Carmen giggled as I had just finished recounting my Friday night with Carter. “Is he a good kisser?” we spoke quietly as we were in the locker room where lurking ears are always about.

“The best I’ve ever had, which is interesting considering he’s never had a girlfriend.”

“Well, you know how it is when passion take over!” she flipped a wrist at me.

“Do I ever!” I sighed, the memories of Friday replying quickly in my head. “OH!” my mind had hit a point of the night I had forgotten to tell Carmen about. “When I was leaving his house,” I leaned in closer to her stifling a giggle. “He almost told me he loved me!”

“WHAT?” Carmen discarded her quiet demeanor and screamed across the locker room.

“Really?” she returned to an excited whisper. “How do you feel about it?”

“Weird,” I admitted with a casual shrug. “We’ve only been dating a month. Isn’t it a little fast for saying I love you?”

Carmen knocked me on the skull before yelling, “Hellooooo? Why can’t you get this through your head? For Carter it hasn’t been just one month of dating! Ellis! The boy has been in love with you since seventh grade!”

“I know. I know. Not a day goes by without you reminding me of that. I’m just not ready yet. I haven’t fully gotten used to the whole us dating thing yet.”

“What do you mean?” Carmen shot skeptical eyebrows in my direction.

“Well, I mean, I know we were always friends, but we’re never nice to each other. It’s just weird to be so kind to each other I guess. I really just don’t want to have to deal with I love you just yet!”

Before Carmen could continue her counter argument, Melissa interrupted our conversation.

“HEY YA’LL,” she greeted us as if we were in China instead of a mere two feet away from her.

“Hey Melissa,” Carmen rolled her eyes as she replied in a monotone voice.

“What are you guys talking about?” Melissa took a seat next to us. Her prying eyes locked on us.

“Nothing of importance really,” I said.

“Yeah,” Carmen added, knowing the horrors of having Melissa know important information.

“Just our science project, and the upcoming Halloween party.”

“Halloween party?” Melissa’s eyebrows popped with excitement.

“Yeah! It’s at Jennifer Leeman’s. It’s a costume party.”

“WHAT?” Melissa acted as if Carmen had just told her that Aliens do in fact exist. “How did I not know about this?”

“Everyone has their bad days,” I shrugged. “Maybe you’re losing your touch. You’re not getting any younger you know.”

Melissa laughed heartily at my jab.

“Nonsense!” yet another wrist was flipped in my direction. “Gossip wrangling is something that only gets better with age.”

“Gossip wrangling?” Carmen and I both stared at Melissa with narrowed eyes.

“It’s the name I gave it. It makes it seem...professional!” a moment passed before Melissa continued on a new subject. “By the way! Your boyfriend is a huge ass!”

“You’re preaching to the Choir!”

“Are you going to stand for this?” Melissa’s face mirrored one my mother would give me if she had found out I skipped school three days a week.

“What do you want me to do about it? I can’t control what he does.”

“Are you serious?” her face changed to one of humor laced with pity. “You’re his girlfriend.”
“Am I missing something?” I turned towards Carmen confused. “Last time I checked, girlfriend was not a synonym for slave master.”

“Yeah, BUT!” Melissa began to impart her boyfriendless wisdom upon us relationship girls. “You have to power to whip him! You can basically control him.”

“I’d rather not go that route.”

“Fine, but let me tell you!” another wrist flip came from Melissa. “It’s better that way!” with that said Melissa stood up and sauntered towards another group of girls.

“I wonder how she knows that,” Carmen mused laughing slightly. “Anyway,” Carmen began after a beat of silence. “Back to you and Carter, now that Sonic Ear is gone.”

“It’s weird. I’m kind of nervous to see him. A lot of feelings happened Friday night. Feelings I haven’t quite figured out yet.”

“Well, you’re going to have to figure it soon,” Carmen pointed to the door as Carter walked in the door. “Don’t worry so much about it,” she advised, standing up. “You two are made for each other.”

I hoped she was right, as Carter came towards me. It wasn’t that I regretted anything that happened, and it wasn’t that I didn’t have any feelings for Carter. I definitely liked Carter, he was great, but it was just a lot to process as once. However, I didn’t have to process the emotions as quickly as I thought because Carter never made it to my locker. Instead he stopped at Caroline Henderson’s locker, and a whole new set of feelings flushed back. The feelings of hurt and anger rushed back as I watched the two interact. The last thing I saw as I rushed out of the locker room was Caroline laughing, flipping her hair while playful hitting Carter’s arm.

***
“Hey!” Carter planted a kiss on the top of my head after he finally located me in the library. It was the one free period we had together and I was hoping he wouldn’t find me if I hid myself in the worst spot to spend a free period in the world. Nobody liked the library. One had to be completely silent and the librarians were the meanest teachers on the faculty. I guess I would be mean too if my life existence revolved around watching snotty brats in a Catholic school library.

“Hey,” I gave a weak smile as Carter took the seat across from me. I quickly buried my head back into the history book I had been studying before he interrupted.

“Where were you this morning?” he leaned the book towards him so he could see my face, “You weren’t in the locker room.”

“I had a test to study for, and I kept getting distracted in the locker room.”

Carter eyed me skeptically before letting me get back to studying. I wiped away the proverbial sweat beads that formed at my forehead. I thought this whole avoiding the situation thing was going to be easy.

“Ellis?” Carter leaned the book away from my face again. This time I was met with his concerned eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”

I turned my eyes downward, tears welling in them. I thought hard at doing anything but crying. The last thing I wanted was for people to see me cry, and if it was possible to want something less than that it was to have people see me crying in the library.

Carter, noticing my state of upset, stroked my cheek tenderly.

“Let’s get out of here and talk,” he pulled me out of the chair and guided me out of the library. We didn’t stop walking until we reached the back stage of our assembly hall.

“Ellis?” Carter gently lifted my chin to see the tears that now fell freely. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

I shook my head, trying to regain composure before starting, “I thought I was over it, but I guess I’m not. I mean. It’s really only been a week, and I didn’t think about what would happen if you two were ever together, and I just. This weekend. There was so much that has happened, and, and I’m still adjusting to this whole relationship thing an-” I realized I was rambling, but my thoughts were so fractured.

“Wait,” Carter chuckled a bit at my nonsense. “What do you mean if you two were together?”
I heaved a big sigh before finally being able to form a thought cohesive enough to form a sentence.

“I saw you with Caroline Henderson this morning, and I know it’s stupid to think that things are going on between you, but I can’t help it!”

Carter let out a huge barking laugh at my confession of what had been on my mind.

“HEY!” I crossed my arms tightly over my chest. “This is serious!”

“I know,” Carter wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m sorry, it’s just kind of ridiculous of you! Is your Aunt Flo on a visit? Because I never thought you would get so emotional.”

Before I could stop myself my fist slammed Carter in the jaw. He looked more shocked than upset as he staggered backwards a few stops.

“Whoa!” he stared at the hand he removed from the spot I made contact with. “I didn’t think that was possible. I mean me, a chiseled man, and you,” he gestured to my entire body with one fell swoop, “you’re a bean!”

“Carter!” I shoved him with a little less force than I had punched him with. “This is serious!”
“I know, but you are over reacting a bit.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “You cheated on me with that girl! I don’t think I’m over reacting at all...okay, maybe the punching was a bit of an over reaction, but everything else...was a bit of an over reaction,” I narrowed my eyes even further. I hated it when Carter made sense.
“Even so!” I continued a second later. “When I saw you with Caroline all those feelings of hurt and anger came back. I just, I dunno. I guess I’m still really upset with everything. How do I know it won’t happen again? Your gestures were sweet, but I dunno,” I bit my lip, having run out of things to say. I wasn’t quite sure what I felt any more.

At this Carter let out another laugh. This time it was a bit more exasperated as he ran his hands through his hair. His muscles strained a little while he did this, and I could help but slightly cock my eyebrows thinking of what laid underneath his shirt. Even if I was confused about a lot of my feelings I definitely knew I really really enjoyed Carter’s shirtless body.

“Ellis,” his tone sounded a bit upset. “If anything, Friday night should’ve proved that Caroline Henderson is no threat to us. We were drunk! I’m not going to deny that I think she’s attractive, but I would never consciously hurt you like that again. And honestly, and I don’t want it to sound like a cop out but, I probably wouldn’t have done it that night if she hadn’t hit on me. I know it doesn’t sound like a great explanation, but that was all it was. One stupid mistake.”

“I know. I know,” I shook my head. “But I can’t help how I feel.”

A huge sigh released from Carter before he continued his argument of why I shouldn’t be upset. This time he was a little angrier. “Come on! How is there doubt in your mind? You know what I almost let slip!”

“It’s just a word. People say it then cheat all the time,” I looked down to the floor as I said this. Perhaps I was being pessimistic, but it’s hard to look at things optimistically when remembering how one was cheated on.

Carter’s only response was taking my hand and placing it over his heart.
“What do you feel he asked?”

“I don’t need to study for anatomy. I took that class last year,” I flipped my free wrist towards him with a scoff.

“Indulge me.”

“Your heart beat.”

“How?”

“From your brain sending messages to it.”

“ELLIS!” he stamped his foot, giving me images of him as his little brother throwing a temper tantrum.

“Okay. Okay. I’m not a connoisseur of heart beats, but I would say your heart is pounding.”

“Do you want to know why?”

“I think I know the answer. I see what you eat for lunch, it’s definitely clogged arteries.”

Carter rolled his eyes.

“You know, you’re up there with Melissa for ruining special moments. You might even be worse! How did you manage through Valentine’s Day with your last boyfriend?”

“Easy. He was a loser. Okay. Tell me seriously.”

Carter let out a chuckle at my witty remark before continuing, “My heart is pounding because you’re next to me.”

My face flushed a deep red. I’ve had a few boyfriends in my life time, and I’ve also had quite a few guys perusing me. However, I’ve never had anyone say anything so sweet to me.

“Really?” was all I could breath out.

“Can I tell you about the first time we kissed?”

“Which first time?” I snorted thinking about how many ‘first kisses’ we’ve had.

“The really first one. In the locker room when we were trying to convince people we were dating.”

“Well, I was there. So I kind know what it was like. We basically hated it from what I remember. Well, I mean, it was a pretty nice kiss, but we were pretty grossed out,” I smiled a bit thinking about how fun pretending was.

“Maybe you were grossed out,” Carter gave a sly side smile. “I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was worried though.”

I tilted my head in confusion at his last line, prompting him to continue wordlessly.

“I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so fast! It was unbelievable!” he smiled sheepishly, his bright green eyes glowing.

I threw my arms around Carter’s neck. It seemed like this was the best way to convey how I felt. He had just said the sweetest things any one had ever said to me, and I couldn’t even begin to find the words to explain how touched I felt.