It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

“That’s so strange!” Carmen dipped her spoon into the pint of Chunky Monkey. I never quite got why girls resort to ice cream when they were upset. Sure, it was fairly delicious, but it didn’t really make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse! I felt dejected and fat. A winning combination for someone who was newly single.

“He’s just lucky there were witnesses. I have a feeling that mayonnaise is going to end up in his locker.”

“UGH!” Carmen contorted her face with disgust. “Please spare the rest of us! We didn’t do anything wrong.”

I rolled my eyes with sigh. She was right, mayonnaise would really stink up the place. I would only end up hurting myself in theory considering I would have to smell the scent of rotting mayonnaise every time I stepped into the locker room. I decided to devote some time to serious revenge planning.

“Fine, fine.” I flipped a wrist while shoving the ice cream towards Carmen. I was through with Ben and Jerry for now. “I’ll just have to think of something even better. I already did the condiment in locker thing. He’ll be expecting it.”

“Sure, but just don’t ruin his car. Carrie Underwood made that too over done.”

“I already did that one anyway. Remember the soap obscenities?”

Carmen rolled her eyes with a slight chuckle, “Jesus!” she exclaimed, stretching herself out on the couch having had her fill of ice cream as well. “What haven’t you done to Carter?”

“Lots,” I mused before heaving a huge forlorn sigh. I was going to miss tormenting the little bugger.

“Look at it this way,” Carmen sat up once again so she could sling an arm around my shoulder. “You’re a free woman! Go have fun with some men folk! It’s bad to be tied down at this age anyway.”

“This coming from the girl that’s been dating the same person for two years.”

“Do as I say, not as I do,” she nodded poignantly before a sly smile spread across her face. “I hear Matthew Perkins is into you.”

I slammed a throw pillow into her face before giggling, “He is nothing but trouble, yet a very good looking,” I stroked my chin and pondered the statement.

“Yes, so I’ve seen.”

“What am I doing?” I smacked myself on the forehead. “He’s the reason I’m in this whole mess! I don’t want to go down that road again!”

“Fine, fine. It was just a thought. If you ever get desperate though...” Carmen finished her sentence by wiggling her eyebrows up and down quickly.

“Yeah, yeah... I’m not looking forward to school at all. I’m already feeling the hearing loss from Melissa.”

“Don’t worry about it. There’s nothing you can do. She always finds out.”

“I know. It’s a real talent when you think about it.”

“I’ll say! The girl’s got herself a career in private investigation.”

“Yeah...” I chuckled slightly before my thoughts returned to what school would be like on Monday. Melissa would be relentless. The whole school would know in a matter of hours, and there’s nothing worse than explaining to someone you barely know why you broke up with your boyfriend. People thrive on other people’s sadness. It’s no wonder why so many people like the character of Eyore. He makes them feel good about themselves.

“Really Ellis,” Carmen wrapped me in one of those supportive best friend hugs that seem to solve any problem. “Try not to worry. I’ll be there for you! And if you want me to tell Melissa off, I will! I’ve been rehearsing for that moment since the day I met her.”

“If that’s the case, you really need to get a life, but thanks,” I smiled kindly at her. This whole break up thing was going to be a mess, but at least I had someone on my side.