It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

“Hello?” Mac’s voice answered after the second ring.

“Hey,” I squeaked, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“Are you okay?” he was able to pick up something was wrong from my simple hello. Maybe it was better that way. Perhaps a surprise break up would hurt more than one looming over head.

“No,” I decided to not pretend things were normal until I saw him. “Are you home yet?”

“Just stepped in the door actually. What’s up?”

“We need to talk,” I breathed a heavy sigh and choked back the tears. I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Uh, okay,” unease crept into his tone. “Should I come over?”

“I’ll come to you. Can I come now?” I felt it better for me to go to him, since I was the big fat cheater that was breaking up with him.

“Sure. See you soon?”

“Yeah. Bye,” I clicked my phone closed, and got ready to leave.

***
My hand trembled over the door bell. I tried to remain as calm as possible, taking a deep breath before jamming my thumb on the button. I heard slight movement, and saw the faint outline of Mac’s form heading towards the door. He swung the door open slowly, his expression remaining unchanged. He knew what was coming. If he didn’t, he definitely would have figured it out from one look at my face. My puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks, and hung head said it all.

He stepped out of the way, allowing me to enter neither of us saying a word. Closing the door before, he led me to the kitchen and took a seat at the table. I did the same, sitting across from him.

“Where are your parents?” I focused on my hands.

“Grocery shopping,” silence fell over us for a quick second before he added, “Ellis?”

His voice commanded me to look at him, his eyes piercing through me. I could feel the apprehension, sadness, and anger radiating from them

“I,” I couldn’t stop myself from crying, failing to get past the first word. “I...I…” I looked down at my hands again. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. “I cheated on you at the after party.”

The silence was deafening. Space was louder, and sound waves couldn’t even travel there. I curled back into my seat, wishing Mac would do anything to break the silence.

“Cheated?” he gulped, his voice no louder than a whisper.

“I made out with someone.”

“Who?”

I had hoped he wouldn’t want to know, but I knew that was a wasted hope. Anyone would be curious to know the person that made their significant other cheat. I hesitated, trying to find the right way to say it. I knew that any answer I provided would be painful.

“It was Carter, wasn’t it?” he asked after I failed to respond.

My head snapped up to meet his eyes, now blank.

“How’d you know?”

“Please Ellis!” he scoffed, anger dripping from his voice. “I’m not an idiot. Well, I guess I am for trying to be with someone that likes someone else. I know how upset you’d get when he was around Caroline. It was easy to put two and two together.”

I stared down at the table feeling as if I was child who had broken something very expensive.

“I’m sorry,” I wasn’t even sure if I had said it, but I definitely meant it. I never wanted to hurt Mac, but I had just been denying what I was really feeling from myself. As much as I wanted to like Mac as more than a friend, in that moment, I knew that I never really did. “I never wanted to hurt you,” fresh tears flowed from my eyes as I looked up at Mac once more.

His eyes softened as they met mine.

“I know,” he sighed a sad smile on his face for a second.

“Can we still be friends?” my voice wavered.

“Eventually,” he stood up, and I knew that he was through with this conversation.

“I wish I could say something more than I’m sorry to express how horrible I feel,” I turned to face him.

Mac shrugged, trying to give me a reassuring smile. I wrapped my arms around him in a hug that wasn’t returned.

“Bye,” I waved timidly as he shut the door behind me.

I stood for a few moments in shock. I didn’t think Mac could be so cold, but I couldn’t blame him. More tears fell from my cheeks, making wet marks on the ground. I hoped he could eventually forgive me. I wanted to be his friend even if I wasn’t a very good one by leading him on like this. I wished that I had been able to figure out that I was forcing myself to have feelings for him sooner, but I knew it was pointless to linger in regrets. I heaved one more sigh before heading back to my car. Once in the heated confines, I punched Carter’s number into my phone.

“Hey!” Carter answered the phone half way through the first ring.

“Let’s talk,” my voice was drained, and I still couldn’t help but feeling a bit of anger at Carter. “Be at my house in twenty minutes,” I slammed my phone closed, having nothing left to say, and not wanting to hear anything more from him.