It's Not You. It's Me. And No! He is Not My Boyfriend!

I curled up on my bed, huddling myself into the corner against the wall. Tears rolled down my cheeks silently. I didn’t know what having a break down felt like, but I could’ve guessed that it was something along the lines of this. I felt kind of like a fool, but at the same time I didn’t have the energy to care. It was a small victory that I made it through a menial conversation about the Winter Ball with my mother without tears pouring from my eyes. I was half convinced that Carter did some kind of experimentation on me the night before, replacing my tear ducts with leaky faucets.

“Ellis!” my mother’s voice sounded from the floor below. “Carter is here?” her voice raised in question because the last time she was informed, we had broken up.

I calmed myself enough to get my voice out normally.

“You can send him up here!”


“I don’t like you having boys up in your room ya know?”

“It’s fine mom!”

“Just keep the door open!” she warned as the door bell rang and she opened the door. “Hi Carter!” her voice oozed sweetness. “Ellis is in her room.”

“Thanks Mrs. Davis,” Carter’s voice filled the air, followed by his feet padding up the stairs and to my door.

The door creaked open slowly, giving me the right amount of time to wipe away the tears and sit up straight. Basically, make it look like nothing was wrong. However, I decided against that, making him want to feel as guilty as I felt, I returned to the fetal position I had been in the moment before.

“Hey,” Carter poked his head in the door timidly.

“Hi,” I choked on the simple hello, a tear rolling down to the bed. I didn’t look at him, but I knew he had entered the room when I felt the weight of his body shifting the pressure of the bed.

“How’s it, uh,” Carter coughed slightly, his tone uncomfortable because he knew exactly how it was going, “Going?” he finished by placing a hand on my arm.

“Fine.”

“Break up went that badly, ay?”

“No,” I shot up to stare at him angrily. “He was actually kind of understanding, but that doesn’t make me feel like less of a jerk! Something you would know nothing about because obviously other people’s feelings mean NOTHING to you!” sure, that might have been a little harsh, but Carmen told me to do what I felt and that happened to be yelling at Carter.

“Hey!” Carter’s face crumpled with pain. “I care about other people’s feelings! Why would you say that?”

“Because,” I huffed crossing my arms over my chest tightly. “You cared more about getting an in-house suspension than me almost” my sentence stopped short as aching sobs rose in my throat. I was sure that I had cried enough for the next five years in the past three days.

Carter stared at me like a deer in headlights as I sobbed openly in front of him. He was like any other guy. For some reason, girls crying was some sort of horrifying occurrence for guys. They usually had no clue what to do, and in some cases panicked. Also, I was positive this was the first time Carter had seen me fully cry. I made it a point to try to not cry in front of others, especially people I was supposed to be mad at. He didn’t say a word, but simply wrapped me in a tight hug, gently stroking my hair. Sometimes the boy could be smart as I felt that this was his best course of action. It was most definitely one of those situations when no matter what the person said it wouldn’t make the matter better. He leaned back, allowing me to lay upon his chest and simply cry. In a way, it was was comforting to be able to cry freely without the burden of the other person trying to make you instantly happier. I cried and Carter held me, and it was exactly what I needed.

***
My eyes fluttered open, and I furrowed my brow slightly. I didn’t remember falling asleep, but it was obvious that it had happened because the room was now dark. I sat up gingerly, making sure not to wake Carter as the steady rise and fall of his chest signified that he fell asleep as well. I leaned over him to my nightstand and flicked the light on, causing him to stir slightly. His eyes opened slowly, a small smile formed on his face when he looked at me.

“Hi,” he murmured, stretching.

“We fell asleep,” I informed him quietly.

“Hmmm,” he sat up, and stretched some more while I looked on slightly dazed.

Catching me looking at him, he smiled and reached out to stroke my cheek. I allowed him to keep his hand there for a bit before shrugging it away.

“Hey,” I said, averting my gaze downward to the bedspread.

“I’m sorry.”


 “For what?” I returned my gaze to Carter’s voice, his expression pained.

“For everything. I should have been there for you. I screwed up majorly. More than majorly. I think I need to make up a word to express how large my screw up was,” he stroked his chin for a second. “Fogerly. I screwed up fogerly!” he nodded with conviction, smiling widely as my mood lightened slightly with his stupidity. “It’s nice to see that I’ve managed to do something besides make you cry.”

“You were getting pretty good at it,” I joked.

“It’s not something I want to add to my long list of life accomplishments.”


“Good.” I paused for a beat before adding, “I’m sorry too.”

“For what?” he gave me an incredulous look.

“For not talking about things. For just freaking out on you and breaking up with you. That was kind of overdramatic of me. I might have rivaled Melissa.”
 “I deserved it. You had every right to be,” he laughed, pulling me into a tight hug. “Maybe I should be apologizing to Caroline too. I’ve led her on twice now,” he raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh yeah. She’ll be in mourning for weeks,” I rolled my eyes.

“Try months.”

“Hey, I’ll be super generous and give you an entire year!” I pushed my hands towards the heavens.

Carter chuckled huskily, placing a light kiss on my lips. I reveled in the kiss for a second before pushing him away. He stared on with hurt and questioning eyes.

“I’m not just going to get back together with you,” I held up a finger to further the point as I informed him.

“What?” he frowned, casting his eyes downward. “Why not?”

“I just think that I should be alone for awhile. My not doing that is what got us into this whole mess.”

“But, but, but” Carter whined giving me his best set of puppy dog eyes, which were pretty convincing. “I miss you!”

“You see me every day!”

“You know what I mean!”

“Look,” I held up my hands in defense. “Please do this for me. I think we should just cool it for a bit. Just be friends without the hidden motives of making each other jealous with other people.”

“But it won’t be just friends! WE LIKE EACH OTHER!”


“You’ve done it for six years, I think you can wait a little longer.”

“Fine!” he huffed, standing up a straightening his shirt out. “I guess I could handle it.”

“Good!” I stood up as well, pulling him into a hug.

“Yeah,” he narrowed his eyes at me as I walked him to the front door. “You know this will end the next time we’re at a party.”


 “Is that a threat?”

“Take it as you will,” he waved a wrist into the air and opened the door to leave.

“Can I get that in writing?” I called to his back as he walked towards his car.