Innocence

I haven’t heard from Zacky in a few days, but I didn’t think anything of it. He sometimes drops off the radar and I just put it off as that. I’ve been keeping busy to keep my mind off things. Even though things have gotten a little bit better, everything isn’t all cleared up.

Earlier today, Val had called me and told me to come over for a barbecue tonight at Matt’s. They said that they all had something to talk about; the question was, about what?

When I got to Matt’s, I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. I didn’t know what Matt was going to act like, and I also didn’t know how Zack was going to act. “Hey! Come in!” Leana said, pulling me into the house. “Look who’s here, guys!” She smiled as we walked out back.

“Hey! Look who finally showed up!” Brian said jokingly. “Want a beer, Manda?”

I laughed, shaking my head, knowing full well that he was already tipsy. “No thanks, Bri.”

“You sure? There’s plenty to go around.” He raised his eyebrows, waving one around, cocking his head to the side.

“Anyways…”

“Matt, your phone’s going off,” a girl I’ve never seen before, came out and gave him his phone. Well, at least she looked over twenty.

“Thanks.” He stood up and walked inside, while we were left with an uncomfortable silence. “So… Manda, this is Claire. Claire, this is Manda.”

“Nice to meet you,” she smiled shyly. She seemed genuine, so maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

Matt came back out kind of hesitantly. “Manda, this is-”

“Don’t worry, Johnny introduced us,” I said, giving him a soft smile.

From then, we started conversation and waited for Zacky to show up. Sitting and talking to Claire wasn’t so bad. She was a really sweet, down to earth girl. Maybe I was okay with her because I was interested in Zacky now… How pathetic.

“Well, well, well, look who else decided to finally show up,” Jimmy snickered, which made all of us laugh. Zack was usually the one to bitch about others being late, but now he was the one that was late.

My smile quickly faded when I saw him walk out with Gena. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, and that just made me even more upset. At least have the decency to look at me!

But who was I kidding? He had a beautiful woman with him already, so why give that up? I was so naïve. Maybe I should just stay single…

“You know, Bri, go ahead and hand me one of those beers,” I said, nodding towards him.

A grin split across his face. “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” He handed it over to me, and I could see Matt giving me a look out of the corner of his eye. I was just going to drink one to take the edge off, no big deal.

“So, I think we’ve all decided on Vegas for a week, yes?” Jimmy said, trying to get some conversation back up.

“Wait, Vegas?” I questioned, confused.
Then, they went onto explaining about a Vegas trip that they had recently talked about. “Just for a week or so; it’ll be fun,” Jimmy said, looking over at me with a grin.

“So… Are you in Manda?” Matt asked, a little apprehensive.

“It’ll be a lot of fun,” Brian said in a sing-song voice and smirking.

I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. “Sure, I guess I’m in.”

“Sweet!” Yeah, Brian is definitely drunk.

A little while passed by and I was just getting more and more uncomfortable. “I should probably get home, I have to be up early for work,” I said, standing up. Everyone frowned, but didn’t question me. “I’ll see you guys next week when we leave.”

I thought I was in the clear, until Zacky’s voice stopped me. “Manda please let me explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain, Zack. Really, it’s fine, I understand.”

“No, Manda-” he tried grabbing my hand, but I pulled away, shaking my head. “It’s fine, Zack.” He finally dropped it, and let me walk out to my car.

I sighed, resting my forehead on my steering wheel. Why do I have such bad luck with guys? This was starting to get ridiculous. Maybe I cause it myself… God, I’m so screwed up.

There was a small knock on my window. I looked up to see Matt. He opened up the door and leaned against it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shrugged. “It won’t really help.”

He gave me a look that said he knew I was lying. “You know you can talk to me about anything, Manda.”

I stared at him, before letting it out. “I just don’t get it. Am I some type of anti-boy magnet?”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “In all defense, you push us away,” he said cautiously, waiting for me to blow up at him.

“I-you-ugh.” He had me there, I couldn’t deny it. I start to push guys or even friends away when I feel threatened of scared. I really didn’t have any reason behind it, but I hated it.

“Manda, I didn’t mean anything-”

“No, you’re fine, Matt,” I said, giving him a small smile. “I should go, though.”

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” He asked his eyebrows furrowed. I simply nodded. “Don’t think about it too much, okay?”

I nodded, before closing the door. Of course I was going to think about it too much. That’s another thing about me; I think about things too much. I couldn’t help it though! It was like my mind was on over drive and wouldn’t stop thinking.

Maybe I could distract myself with this Vegas trip… This should be fun.