Innocence

When we finally figured out where we were going to eat for breakfast, we all sat down to see what we all wanted to order. After our waitress took our orders, it was pretty quiet around the table. So, I decided I was going to try to see if anything went on last night that I didn’t remember.

“So… What happened last night?” I asked softly, hoping to get an answer from Johnny or Jimmy.

But of course not, because the Universe just hates me this morning… “What do you think?” Brian said, rolling his eyes to look over at me. Now, to any normal person, his voice would have just sounded bored. Well, I’m not a normal person, and there was an underlying tone to his bored voice. I felt like a child being scolded, so I looked down at my water and started playing with the rim.

“I was just asking,” I mumbled, not making eye contact with him.

“By how you’re feeling this morning, I was pretty sure you’d be able to figure it out on your own.” This time he didn’t hide the tone in his voice.

I looked up at him and glared. “What is your deal this morning?” I snapped back.

“Sorry for being tired after staying up later than expected with you while you puked your fucking organs up.”

I sat back, giving him an awed look. “Hey, I didn’t fucking ask you to stay up with me.”

“Oh, yes, and I’m just supposed to let you drowned in your own bile?”

I didn’t even filter the words that came out next. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded.”

His whole expression changed, and he looked at me like I had just broken his favorite guitar. “Alright, guys, let’s tone it down,” Michelle said softly, putting her hand on Brian’s arm, and giving me a concerned look. I just shook my head and looked away, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What do you guys want to do after breakfast?” Val asked a few minutes later, trying to bring up a new topic.

“Go buy some damn ear plugs,” Johnny muttered, his head in his hands.

“Why?” Matt asked, confused.

“Because you two freaks kept me up with your damn animal noises last night!” He cried, pointing at Matt and Claire. Matt just gave a cocky smirk and Claire blushed like mad as everyone cracked up, except me. “You have no room to laugh, because you were worse than them!” Johnny then said, glaring at Zacky and Gena. Oh this is just getting better and better…

Gena laughed and it just made me want to claw my ears out. “Well sorry that I couldn’t keep him off of me,” she giggled, running her hand up and down his chest. I wanted to glare holes straight through her, but then I just wanted to turn her into ash when she stuck her tongue down his throat.

I shook my head, getting up from the table. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” I muttered, heading towards the bathroom.

I walked into one of the stales and slid down the wall. Pulling my knees to my chest, and buried my head between them. My mind is a dark place when I’m left with it for too long… I never used to be like this. I didn’t let small things get to me, I was always optimistic and never second guessed myself. And now… I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not that girl anymore, and I hate it.

Just as I decided to suck it up, and go back out, Val came looking for me. “Are you okay?” She asked, knowing I didn’t want a pity party, but I sure could use a friend.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, giving her a small smile. She nodded, before wrapping her arm around me as we walked back to the table.

After breakfast, we decided to go back to the hotel and just hang out at the pool for a while. While everyone was changing, and getting ready to go down to the pool, I just lay on my bed, already changed. My door opened a little while later, and in walked Brian. At first I was confused to see him, but then I went back to staring up at the ceiling.

“Are you coming down?” He asked when I didn’t acknowledge him.

I shrugged. “I’m obviously dressed for it. I just got caught up in my thoughts.”

“Oh, you mean the ones about Matt? Or the ones about Zack? Sorry, I just can’t keep up with the circles you’re going in right now.”

I looked up at him, seriously feeling a slight pain in my chest. “Low fucking blow,” I said, glaring at him and sitting up.

He sighed agitatedly, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Amanda, but I’m a little upset with you about last night.” His stare was hard, and I hated it. Brian has never been like this towards me.

“So I got drunk last night? Big fucking deal! You are such a damn hypocrite, Brian. You and the guys get drunk all the time. Don’t even get me started on high school when I used to take care of your drunken asses,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“We didn’t and still don’t get drunk for the reasons that you did last night,” he hissed.

“And what would that be?”

“Running away from your problems! That’s all you’ve done since you left, and since you came back. You just keep running, and you don’t stop to look back. Fucking grow up and face them.”

“You are not my father, so stop treating me like a child.” My voice was low and cold. I was not going to put up with this. I was a grown ass woman; I did not need him sitting here telling me what to do.

“Yeah, well, what do you think he would say to you right now if he saw you living like this, putting yourself in this position?” He shook his head. “He would be so disappointed.”

That was just a stab in the heart. He just crossed the line. “What has gotten into you? You aren’t the person I remember you as,” I whispered, trying to blink the tears away.

“Like wise.”

Hearing enough of his shit, I got up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Zacky, Gena, Michelle, and Johnny were in the hall talking when they saw me storm out. I ignored them as I headed for the elevator. “Manda,” Zack grabbed me arm to turn me to look at him. His eyes were soft and looking into mine with concern.

“Just leave me alone,” I said, trying to get out of his hold.

“Manda, what’s wrong?” He asked, not letting up.

I glanced down the hall, now seeing Brian staring down at us. “Don’t worry about. I just run away from my problems anyway, right?” I muttered, my eyes never leaving Brian’s. I could see a twinge of regret in his eyes, but there was no taking back his words.

I got out of Zacky’s hold and got in the elevator. When the doors closed, I threw my head against the wall, hating myself right now. I hated crying and the reasons I was crying for right now. It just made me even madder at myself. It was like I was having an inner battle with myself, and I was losing miserably.