Forgotten
Anger
Why does she have to cry in front of me? I want to kill myself when she cries... The pain radiating from her body digs into me and brings out all the guilt I've tried to forget... Fuck, I've tried so hard...
It was my fault. Everything was my fault. She didn't do anything to deserve it... And so much happened, all at the same time... It killed me to see it all and know I caused it.
First Leon died... Overdose... She found him on the floor of the apartment, pill bottle in hand. She cried for weeks. He had been her best friend for twelve years.
She knew he was depressed. She told me he'd been acting strangely... But I told her he was probably just tired, and I convinced her to spend the day with me instead.
The next day, she went to see him, to surprise him for his birthday. She went to his apartment and found him.
She cried all night. I don't think either of us got any sleep that night. Her because of the tears, me because I was worried for her.
Then, five days later, Josh left her. She was devastated. They'd been together for a year and a half, and he'd just proposed two weeks before. He was her everything.
He came over to our apartment one day. He told her he was through, he was young, needed to see his options. He went off on a whole list of things he wanted, and didn't react as she started to cry.
The look on her face... He didn't even notice, let alone care.
I never told her what an asshole he was. I never told her about all those "glances" he gave the waitresses whenever our group went out. I never told her about all the fights he started with me because i was living with her.
I never told her, and I should have.
She got so mad when I hid all the drugs except two aspirin. She started screaming at me, and one of our neighbours called the cops. They gave us a warning for disturbing the peace and left.
But that was nothing compared to when she found I'd hidden all the sharp objects and alcohol. She screamed ten times as loud, and started throwing things at me.
Tre, Mike, Bianca, and Saoirse had to bail us out of jail.
But the screaming and throwing and tears were nothing compared to what she said to me on the way back to our apartment.
She glared at me, tears still falling from her eyes.
"I hate you, Billie Joe."
I couldn't look at her for months afterward. Every time I saw her, those words reverberated in my head.
I hate you, Billie Joe.
***
Keaira woke up, her eyelashes sticking together from dried tears. She groaned and rolled out of bed, untangling herself from the blanket. She walked into the kitchen, where Billie Joe was sitting at the table, cup of coffee in hand.
"'Morning," she said groggily. He grunted in response. Things had been awkward between them since they'd gotten arrested three weeks ago. Neither said much to the other, and most of their time was spent alone, in silence.
She searched the cabinet for Trix cereal. She sighed and closed the door when she couldn't find any.
"We're out," she commented.
"Yeah."
"Did you eat the last of it?"
"Yeah."
"We don't have any cereal at all?"
"Nope." She sighed again and looked through the freezer.
"No waffles either?"
"Nope." She made an exasperated noise and shut the freezer.
"And the bread's gone... You wanna go to McDonalds or something?" He shook his head.
"No, I'm good."
"Wow... More than one syllable," she grumbled. He blushed and stared at his coffee.
"You okay?" she asked. He nodded.
"Fine. Just tired." She frowned and leaned against the counter.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No... I thought you were mad... at me..." She sat next to him at the table.
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"I... I don't know..." Her frown deepened as she saw his lower lip tremble, despite his efforts to hide it by taking a sip of his coffee.
She gently cupped his cheek in her hand and turned his face toward her. She saw a single tear fall from his cheek.
"You're lying... Why would you think I'm mad at you?"
"That day... when we got arrested, on the ride home."
"Billie Joe, I don't remember the ride home."
"You were so mad at me. I... It hurt..."
"Did I... Did I say anything to you?"
"You said you hated me-"
"Billie, no... I was... I'd been through a lot, you know that... Whatever I said... I didn't mean it." She pulled him close to her, and he buried his head in the crook of her neck.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and kissed the top of his head.
It was my fault. Everything was my fault. She didn't do anything to deserve it... And so much happened, all at the same time... It killed me to see it all and know I caused it.
First Leon died... Overdose... She found him on the floor of the apartment, pill bottle in hand. She cried for weeks. He had been her best friend for twelve years.
She knew he was depressed. She told me he'd been acting strangely... But I told her he was probably just tired, and I convinced her to spend the day with me instead.
The next day, she went to see him, to surprise him for his birthday. She went to his apartment and found him.
She cried all night. I don't think either of us got any sleep that night. Her because of the tears, me because I was worried for her.
Then, five days later, Josh left her. She was devastated. They'd been together for a year and a half, and he'd just proposed two weeks before. He was her everything.
He came over to our apartment one day. He told her he was through, he was young, needed to see his options. He went off on a whole list of things he wanted, and didn't react as she started to cry.
The look on her face... He didn't even notice, let alone care.
I never told her what an asshole he was. I never told her about all those "glances" he gave the waitresses whenever our group went out. I never told her about all the fights he started with me because i was living with her.
I never told her, and I should have.
She got so mad when I hid all the drugs except two aspirin. She started screaming at me, and one of our neighbours called the cops. They gave us a warning for disturbing the peace and left.
But that was nothing compared to when she found I'd hidden all the sharp objects and alcohol. She screamed ten times as loud, and started throwing things at me.
Tre, Mike, Bianca, and Saoirse had to bail us out of jail.
But the screaming and throwing and tears were nothing compared to what she said to me on the way back to our apartment.
She glared at me, tears still falling from her eyes.
"I hate you, Billie Joe."
I couldn't look at her for months afterward. Every time I saw her, those words reverberated in my head.
I hate you, Billie Joe.
***
Keaira woke up, her eyelashes sticking together from dried tears. She groaned and rolled out of bed, untangling herself from the blanket. She walked into the kitchen, where Billie Joe was sitting at the table, cup of coffee in hand.
"'Morning," she said groggily. He grunted in response. Things had been awkward between them since they'd gotten arrested three weeks ago. Neither said much to the other, and most of their time was spent alone, in silence.
She searched the cabinet for Trix cereal. She sighed and closed the door when she couldn't find any.
"We're out," she commented.
"Yeah."
"Did you eat the last of it?"
"Yeah."
"We don't have any cereal at all?"
"Nope." She sighed again and looked through the freezer.
"No waffles either?"
"Nope." She made an exasperated noise and shut the freezer.
"And the bread's gone... You wanna go to McDonalds or something?" He shook his head.
"No, I'm good."
"Wow... More than one syllable," she grumbled. He blushed and stared at his coffee.
"You okay?" she asked. He nodded.
"Fine. Just tired." She frowned and leaned against the counter.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No... I thought you were mad... at me..." She sat next to him at the table.
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"I... I don't know..." Her frown deepened as she saw his lower lip tremble, despite his efforts to hide it by taking a sip of his coffee.
She gently cupped his cheek in her hand and turned his face toward her. She saw a single tear fall from his cheek.
"You're lying... Why would you think I'm mad at you?"
"That day... when we got arrested, on the ride home."
"Billie Joe, I don't remember the ride home."
"You were so mad at me. I... It hurt..."
"Did I... Did I say anything to you?"
"You said you hated me-"
"Billie, no... I was... I'd been through a lot, you know that... Whatever I said... I didn't mean it." She pulled him close to her, and he buried his head in the crook of her neck.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and kissed the top of his head.