Lost in Stereo

Alex's Point of View

When I woke up the next morning, Jade was sound asleep. It was still fairly early, so I let her sleep and started to head over to my bathroom. I noticed her bag by her doorway with a black book poking out of the side. The bag seemed like it was starting to fall over, so I went to stick it further into her purse. I studied it for a moment. The pages looked really worn and the cover was a bitch scratched up. I fought the urge to flip through it and set it back in her bag.

I went to use the bathroom, and the curiosity of what was in the book was agonizing. Obviously it was private, or Jade wouldn’t have rushed to cover the pages up any time one of us saw her writing on tour. But it was killing me. I had to know if she’d written anything in there about me, and if so, what.

I finished in the bathroom and opened the door slowly, hoping Jade was still asleep, and she luckily was. I stared at her bag a few more seconds, debating whether I really wanted to read her journal or not. On one hand, that was a huge breach of trust and I might not like what I found, but on the other hand, it was making me crazy. I finally decided that it wasn’t actually reading her journal if I just so happened to leaf through it and glance at a couple of words. That probably wouldn’t hurt anything, right?

I slipped the book out of her bag and retreated to the bathroom, sitting on the floor with my back to the door. I started on the first page, noting the date at the top. She’d started the journal on the night we’d broken up.

I hate his stupid fucking face, was the first thing I read. I continued reading. I hate his hair. I hate his voice. I hate how Goddamn smart he thinks he is, and I hate that he thinks he’s so suave. He can fuck all the girls he wants, because I’m done. He can fuck himself too, while he’s at it. I can’t stand Alex Gaskarth.

I set the book down next to me, feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. Was that really how Jade had felt about me? Had I really hurt her that badly? I wasn’t sure that I wanted to read anymore, but maybe it would get better from there. It didn’t. There were a few pages where she wrote about our breakup and all the things she felt about me and the situation, and there was essentially nothing nice that she had to say on either subject. A few more pages in, I found a poem titled Alex, so I decided to read it.

She wanted him back
It was two hours she lay on the floor sobbing
Pain
Nausea
New sounds strained out
Her head pounded fiercely
You could actually see her forehead contract with each
Wave of ache
Her hands tingled from the overexertion
Her body was going through
She wanted him back.

It didn’t seem like it was quite done, almost like she’d gotten cut off from writing it, or just got stuck with the words. Or maybe that was all there was to it. I’d never know, since I’d never be able to ask her about the journal without her knowing I’d read it. If that happened, we’d probably be back at square one, or rather page one. And I did not want that to happen.

I read a little more after that, and she wrote about me less frequently and more about her life in college and her adventures with Andrea and Liz. She seemed happier writing about that, but the tone of her writing changed anytime she mentioned that a tour was over and I would be back in town, or when she wrote about any concerns she had for Skye. I started getting closer to the point where she left for the tour we’d just finished up and decided not to read any more. Besides, we were happy now. That’s what mattered to me. Still, I figured I’d just flip through a few pages, seeing how much she’d detailed. There wasn’t a whole lot written while we were on the road, but the last page she’d written on had the previous night’s date scrawled on the top. I couldn’t help myself from looking at that one.

I just can’t help feeling like this isn’t going to work, she’d written on the first line. Alex has this unfailing confidence in this relationship surviving, but I can’t help not feeling the same. There’s too much that could happen, especially with him going away all the time. He says I’ll be busy with college and my friends, and that I won’t even notice he’s gone, but that’s so unlikely. I think it’s more likely that he’ll forget about me. It’s happened before, it could happen again.

He comes off as so changed right now. Not that I ever doubted his commitment to family, but he’s so focused on helping Skye, and that’s something I never expected from him. He’s been perfectly lovely to me as of late, and I thought getting back together was what I wanted for the longest time. Then I realized I didn’t want him back, and when we went on that tour, everything resurfaced. I didn’t want to want him back, but I did, and now I have him. But how long can that last? I’m not entirely sure I can trust him again, especially for all the months he’ll be away from me. Skye is lucky. She’s never had to doubt Zack the way I’ve had to wonder about Alex. He’s behaved the last few weeks, months even, but who’s to say that he won’t run off again?

She’d ended her entry there. I wondered if she had anything else to say after our talk last night, or if that was it. It didn’t seem to have a set ending, though none of the pages really did. My first instinct was to feel angry about her not trusting me, but then I realized how right she was, considering that I was the one reading her journal. I felt sick at myself. I’d prove her wrong this time. It could work out. It had to.