Lost in Stereo

Jade's Point of View

When I showed up at Alex and Skye’s apartment, he looked ridiculously on edge and nervous. A few moments after I got there, he retreated to his room and Skye went in there with him. They were gone for a while, and I was starting to get curious, so I knocked on Alex’s door and let myself in. Skye excused herself right away and headed out. I could hear her yell something at Jack, but that was typical so I ignored it.

I sat down next to Alex on the floor against his bed. I leaned my head on his shoulder and his body semi-tensed. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” he replied. His tone was sharp, like he was ready for a fight.

“Please tell me we’re not back to this again,” I complained. “Alex, please just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing,” he repeated, running a hand through his hair. All the emotion in his body seemed to just leak out at that point. “I’m just not feeling that well. I’ve been sick on and off all day.”

“So you decided to hide out in your room?” I asked dubiously.

“Yeah,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “I was afraid I was gonna throw up and I didn’t want you to see. That’s all.”

I didn’t fully believe him, but I didn’t want to force him to talk. That would only push him away, and that was the opposite of what I wanted, especially right before he was going on tour again. “In that case, don’t kiss me.” I pushed him away jokingly before leaning up to kiss his cheek. “I’m kidding. It’s been a really stressful few days. Maybe you should rest for a little bit.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he said. “I don’t want to feel run-down right before we leave again.”

“Do you want to take anything?” I asked. “I could run to the drug store and pick up some Pepto-Bismol or something if you want.”

“I’ll be fine,” he shook his head. “I just need some sleep probably, that’s all.”

“Okay,” I nodded. “If you change your mind, let me know.”

I kissed him again and got up off the floor so that he could be alone. I joined everyone in the living room and watched while they played video games for a little while. Skye and Zack sat next to each other, and every now and then, I’d catch them look at each other and smile. I thought about how I wanted to have a love like that. From what Skye said, things weren’t always perfectly easy between them, but they loved each other and they trusted each other. At the end of the day, they were meant for each other. I wasn’t sure I could say the same thing about Alex and me.

After another hour or so, I decided to check in with Liz and Andrea. We met up for dinner in town to catch up since we hadn’t had a chance to do that yet. So far all we’d talked about since I’d been home was the apartment. Over dinner, Liz talked about how crazy her mom had been acting lately, and Andrea talked about how much she hated her job as a dishwasher, and finally, it was my turn to rant a little. I broke the news that Alex and I were back together, and Andrea looked mostly indifferent, but Liz let out a frustrated groan.

“Okay, one second you hate Alex, the next you love him again,” she grumbled, frustrated. “What gives?”

“He’s different,” I defended. “He’s matured a lot. And we’ve just always had a connection, you know?”

“You sound more like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Liz said, Andrea nodding in agreement.

“I’m not,” I replied immediately. “He’s different.” They were still giving me weary looks. “He is. You’ve never even met the guy, so how would you know?”

“Look, all we know is the shit that you’ve told us,” Andrea said. “And it sounds like he was an asshole to you. I just don’t understand why you’d want to put yourself through that again. Maybe he’s different, maybe he’s not. I don’t know. But if he screws up again, it’s gonna be you who feels like the idiot.”

Liz shot her a look indicating that she should shut up. “If you’re happy, we’re happy. But you don’t seem like you are.”

She had me there. I loved Alex, but he was frustrating, and I still didn’t know if I could trust him on his own. On tour, we’d had terms and agreements enforced by Flyzik. When he was back on the road, we wouldn’t have that. “I am. I think.” I shook my head. “I thought I wanted him back, and now that we’re together again, it feels fine half the time, but the other half of the time, I have all this anxiety about what’s going to happen with us.”

“Maybe you don’t know how to let go,” Andrea suggested. “When I was dating Lydia and we broke up, I wanted her back really badly at first. I wanted to still be friends with her, and I wanted to still do things for her to prove that I still cared. But that faded after a while because we weren’t around each other, and I had time to think about what an asshole she really was to me. But you can’t escape Alex, and it seems like there’s always someone trying to force some kind of opinion about him on you. You haven’t had time to sort everything out.”

I stared at her blankly for a few seconds, trying to process everything. “I think that might just be the smartest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Or ever,” Liz added, scoffing. “But she’s entirely right. Maybe it’s good that he’s leaving again and you’ll have school and stuff. You’ll be away from your mom and your brother, and maybe you’ll get some perspective and be able to figure everything out.”

I nodded. “Yeah, you’re both probably right.”

That night when we were done with dinner, I went back to my house and locked myself in my room to just think. Jack knocked on my door a few times to see if I was okay, but he finally stopped after I threatened to sew all of his underwear together if he didn’t stop. I had a lot to reflect on. I decided that an easy way to sort my thoughts out would be to write in my journal, so I grabbed that out of my bag and started flipping to a fresh page to write on. But as I was going through the pages, I noticed one that was ripped that hadn’t previously been that way. I frowned, feeling suspicious. My mind immediately went to Alex or maybe Jack, but I shook the thought from my mind, insisting that it had just gotten tossed around a little in my bag. But how long could I dismiss those kinds of thoughts?