Taking the Leap

The wind never felt so good before. The city lights never looked so beautiful. As the sun hit the horizon, Alex felt salty tears chasing each other down his cheeks. The sight before him was something you only saw in movies or altered photographs. A dusk orange painted the sky, accented by tiny points of light littering dark skyscrapers.

There was only one thing that could surpass the sight before Alex’s eyes. A blue-eyed beauty with the biggest heart he had ever known. Before her, his life was a mess. He was a binge-drinker, and a user. Before her, heroine needles and bottle-openers were the only things keeping his heart in place. She was his rock, and he wanted nothing more than for her to be there at that very moment.

Even though he could no longer see her, or embrace her, he could feel her. She was the wind surrounding him. She was the constant buzzing in his ear, reminding him that peace was never close, even in a silent room. There was always something to remind him that she was gone, and he couldn’t get her back.

”I miss you.” A tired Alex Gaskarth sat in a one star motel room; talking on the phone he was pretty sure held some type of incurable disease. “I’m not sure what day I’ll be back.”

“I wish you could just come home right now. Sebastian misses you.” That was her way of sayingshe missed him, but was too proud to admit it. Her independence was important, and she never wanted to feel like she was clinging onto Alex for dear life, even if that was true.

“I miss him, too. Saucy doesn’t bark.” He smirked at the fishbowl next to his bed, holding a very slow snail inside.

“Shit,” Autumn mumbled quietly, “My dad is on call waiting. I’ll call you back?” Alex sighed and frowned.

“I should probably just catch some sleep. I’ll talk to you later, love.” Autumn said a quick goodbye before the line went dead. Alexander let out a frustrated noise and reached into his duffle bag. He pulled out a bottle of Absolut. He was so tempted to take a swig and just forget that he wouldn’t be home with his girl for a few more months, but he had promised. He promised not to get too wasted on tour.

He put the bottle back and took his spot on the bed again, closing his eyes slowly.

A pack of cigarettes smoothly lifted into Alex’s hand from his back pocket. He took out the last one and stuck it between his chapped lips. His lighter flicked open quickly, lighting the cancer stick. He took a long, much needed drag.

“Mortem sibi consciscere.” He mumbled quietly. It was Latin, meaning that Hell was empty, and all the demons were here. He figured that was why it was never peaceful; the demons. They lurked in the shadows, mocking his past. That was why he was standing on the ledge.

He was there because she wasn’t. She was gone.

He stood in the hospital, pacing in the waiting room. It was agony, not knowing what was happening in room 4037. Alex cursed the doctors for sending him out of the room. Why should he be kicked out? He was belonged in there just as much as they did, if not more. The doctors weren’t in love with her, the doctor’s hadn’t been there through it all.

“Alex Gaskarth.” A doctor in blue, blood-spotted scrubs called out into the room, holding a clipboard. Alex stopped pacing and dashed to where the man was standing, “You’re the boyfriend of Autumn Evelyn?” Alex just nodded, waiting for a recall. “I’m so sorry…”

Alex didn’t have to hear anything besides those three words. He saw in the doctor’s eyes. His lover had passed on, and she wasn’t coming back. This wasn’t like one of their fights where she would leave for a week and then come back .This wasn’t like one of their games of hide and seek. This was real.

Sinking to his knees in the middle of the hospital floor, Alex put his hands over his red eyes. He wanted so badly for this to be a dream. He wanted the doctor to pull out an April fool’s card or say ‘Oh just kidding, Mr. Gaskarth’. Was that too much to ask for? Obviously.

The brunette looked up at the man, “What about....?”

“Just fine.” The doctor gave a half smile. Alex just nodded sullenly and hugged his arms closer to himself.

Sighing, Alex took one last glance at the horizon. He had to stop doing this. He had to stop remembering the bad things. Lowering his eyelashes to the cement below, Alex took the initiative and jumped off of the edge.

”I love you so much,” Autumn spoke into his ear, making his spine tingle, “You have no idea.”

“I think I’ve got a clue.” Alex smiled against her pink lips and tangled his hands into her curly brown hair.

He would always remember this. How could you forget something like making love with your better half?

That night Alex realized that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Autumn Evelyn. Without her, he was nothing. He was the earth without an atmosphere.

“Hey baby girl.” Alex landed on his feet and took a step down the sidewalk to his daughter. She had her mother’s curly hair, and soft blue eyes. He picked her up slowly and cradled her in his arms. “Are you tired, Elizabeth?”

The baby yawned and grabbed at her father’s hair. He smiled, tearing up. This was his reason for living now. In his arms, he held the other half of his heart.

”Autumn, what’s wrong? You’ve been so distant lately! I can’t take it anymore!” Alex threw his arms up in the air for emphasis. “What the hell is it?”

“I can’t tell you.” Autumn winced at his tone. She was afraid of him at that moment.

“Why the fuck not?” His facial expression showed anger, but his eyes showed otherwise. He was worried sick.

“Because I’m not sure if I’m right or not.” Her face showed remorse. She wanted so badly to tell him.

“Just tell me! I’m so sick of you moping around! I can’t even look at you without you hiding something. What the-“ Autumn cut his rant off.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Elizabeth, you see the pretty colors in the sky?” Alex pointed her chubby hand towards the sunset. His daughter just gave him a cute, baby smile. He sighed happily, “That’s where your mother is. She loved you very much.”

And he knew she did. Autumn died giving birth to their beautiful creation. So many times he wanted to suffer because of it. He wanted to be in her place, instead of the other way around. It wasn’t easy being a single father, but he managed.

“I still miss you.” With one last look at the landscape, Alex turned away. He never looked back.