Time Wasted

This hallway is so unfamiliar, yet I feel like I’ve been here many times before. The set up screamed something that I knew, yet I couldn’t place it to save my life. It was dimly lit, but not in an uninviting way. The lights seemed to be hiding something, teasing my eyes to search for the secret hidden in the darkness. My feelings became more mixed the longer I sat still. I was confused, I was frustrated, yet I was strangely at peace. Never before had something so simple seemed so hard. All I had to do was remember what I was doing before I got here. My feeling of peace was waning. I had to do something; I knew there was a reason for me to be here. I cleared my mind and relaxed. I exhaled and tried to remember what had happened last. As I leaned against the wall and folded my arms, the lights seemed to die. I opened my eyes and looked around into the pitch blackness.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” My voice sounded insignificant and scared. It mirrored everything I was feeling. The hallway remained silent, but the feeling completely changed. It was smothering me. I could no longer breathe. I fell to my knees. I couldn’t scream, I could only feel. Fear choked me, sadness weighed down my chest. My inner voice was screaming for help, begging the nothingness that engulfed my fragile and shaking body to stop. I felt like I should have been cold, but I felt nothing but the pain. There was nothing but the pain. My lungs screamed for air. My eyes searched frantically for my attacker in the darkness; they searched for a sign of anything in the darkness. Helplessness and lack of air clouded my vision. My mind became less frantic. My hands stopped groping the air. I felt the urge to just let this…thing, this darkness take me. My mind began to go blank, before I remembered something.

My purpose. I was here for a reason, and I had to find out why. My body found strength, my voice bubbled in my throat.

“You. Can’t. Have. Me!” The words exploded and the pressure was gone. I lay on my side on the hard floor. I panted and let my body return to normal. The blood surged through my veins like liquid fire. I screamed for the pain to stop, I begged to be back home. The lights pulsed and the darkness receded. My eyes strained against the sudden brightness. I backed against the wall, feeling small and vulnerable. My vision slowly came back to me, and realization hit. This hallway, the lights, the carpet, it was a theatre. This was unreal. There were no doors lining the hallway, and there was no visible exit. The red wallpaper was smooth, and the carpet was cleaner than any carpet that I’d ever seen in a theatre. There was no door behind me, so I had two choices: wait around for the lights to go out again, or move on. My breathing was still unsteady as I stumbled down the hall. I carefully looked around the corner, taking care not to make a sound. There were two doors at the end of a slight slope. One was unmarked, it was brown and looked ancient. There were carvings, all too small to see without getting a closer look, etched deep into the aged wood. The other was rather unimpressive, but was marked with an inviting “EXIT” sign. I felt my body being drawn to the exit, desiring to grasp it’s normal handle and be rid of all the trouble. As I reached the door I felt something stir deep down within me, this wasn’t right. This wasn’t why I was brought here. I glanced longingly at the door while my instinct battled with my fears of the unknown door. I turned abruptly away, afraid I would change my mind. I stared at all the little carvings, admiring their great detail. I smiled, in spite of the situation, at how they all seemed so joyful and carefree. I drew in a breath, convincing myself that stalling wasn’t going to get me any closer to where I was supposed to be. I grabbed the cold metal of the door handle and rushed inside.

The room was dark, motionless. For a few moments I believed I was going to be attacked again. I waited breathlessly, trying to count the seconds slowly passing by. My eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, making out small rounded shapes. I inched my way toward them, feeling the floor with my foot to avoid falling and leaving myself open for the darkness. Suddenly, one wall turned white. I heard a clicking noise coming from somewhere behind me. Blinded and terrified, I ran away from the clicking noises, and toward the light. After a few long strides, the floor was gone. I fell on my face and waited for the pressure. My body tingled with fear and my voice escaped me. I waited for what felt like hours, nothing came after me. The light stayed, and my heartbeat returned to it’s normal pace. After lying for a few more minutes, I pushed myself off the ground and scanned the room. It was like a shrunken down version of the theatre I used to go to with my parents. It seemed to be a personal viewing room, I always wondered what it would be like to just watch a movie with such a big screen with only me and my parents. They had shown me pictures of rooms just like these and told me that they’d build one someday.

That was before…

The light changed color, snapping me out of my trance. I realized it was the screen, it was playing a movie. I sat in the closet chair and pulled my knee up to my chest. There was a small girl in pink overalls and a green shirt running barefoot in a yard. My heart skipped a beat, that was me. I loved to dress myself and those were my favorite overalls. I remembered this video. I knew I was about to fall down. I was right, the little girl ran out to catch a bird and tripped over a dog bowl. She began to cry.

“Oh baby girl, you know tears aren’t going to make you feel any better,” a voice off camera cooed. Tears began to sting my eyes, I couldn’t handle this part. A woman walked on screen, she seemed so much older than what I knew she really was. Her hair was cut short and she wore long sleeve shirt and jeans to hide her pale skin.

“But, it really hurts!” My mother laughed.

“Well, then you cry, but only cry when it really hurts. If you cry when it doesn’t hurt then you’re just wasting time. You know what’s so special about time?”

I mouthed the words with the video, my father still said them to the very day my mother died.

“You can never get it back, only miss it.”

Tears flowed freely, I couldn’t stop them if I tried. The video sputtered to a halt. My heart ached. Everything changed when she died. Life used to be so vibrant to me, like I could do anything I wanted to do. She took all my dreams with her. I was only 15 when she died. 3 years. 3 years of pain and misery. The clicking began again, a new video was starting. I contemplated not watching it at all, my heart can only take so much.
“Baby girl, you can’t be like this.” I held my breath. I slowly looked up at the screen. My mother was smiling. This wasn’t the mother I saw wasting away on the hospital bed. This was my REAL mother. My living, laughing, loving mother. I almost talked back, before she started to speak.

“I know how you must feel, I know I didn’t really get to say goodbye,” I made a pained noise and choked on a few tears, “but you can’t beat yourself up over things like goodbyes. It wouldn’t have changed anything if you had gotten to say goodbye and we both know it. You’re wasting your time baby girl. What did we always say about time?” She paused on the screen, and I could feel her expectation.

“You can’t get it back…” I choked on every syllable.

“…only miss it.” She smiled. She looked so happy, so healthy. The pain in my chest intensified.

“I know you’re hurting, but I’ve been watching. You know I wouldn’t want this, and think of your father. He’s trying so hard baby girl. He needs you just as bad as you need him. You can get through this. I know you can. I’ll always be there, you’re never alone.” She blew a kiss and I heard the sound of the film stop rolling. I replayed the whole thing in my head, and I knew she was right. I had dreams before that she believed in, and she still believes in me. The ache would always be there, but I wasn’t alone in to take on that feeling. My dad, he had been there. He was still there, up until… whenever the last moment was before I got here. A sign blinked to life above a door I hadn't noticed before. It was an exit sign. I breathed a sigh of relief and heaved myself out of the chair. I glanced around the theatre, soaking it in, trying to convince myself that this was all real. I opened the door and fell into nothingness.

I jerked to life, blind. I screamed, thrashing around in the bed. Several people ran into the room, flipping the switch. They were wearing glaringly white suits, I wasn’t in my room. Memories flooded my brain. I lay back on the pillows, stunned by the intake of emotions. There was the pressure as I took the lid off the bottle of pills. There was the impatience after I lie down after I had taken said pills. There was the pain as I felt life leaving my body. Then nothing. My dad ran into the room, he looked so tired. His eyes were blood shot and his shirt was stained, guilt stabbed me in the gut. I had done that to him.

“Oh thank God! You’re alive!” He threw himself through the crowd of nurses to get to me.
“Sir, we really need to check and see if…”

“I’m fine, I swear…” I glanced toward him to see if he understood. Our eyes locked and I smiled, for the first time in 3 years. For the first time in 3 years, I was really, honestly, and undeniably alright.