Burning

That encounter with Ian had been extremely awkward. I was still not quite ready to show myself to other people. For the rest of the day, I just wandered the burn ward, talking to patients that had come in after me, comforting them and telling them that things weren't that hard. Exactly what others had done for me. I realized that the people who had told me it wasn't hard had been lying just as much as I was now. It really was hard, but no one was going to tell that to the people that would be going through it in the future.

I was awake for hours that night, just listening to music and thinking. I had a talent for that; I could just sit forever, thinking through life, my music playing softly in the background. Nothing made sense, really. Especially how I'd felt around Ian. I knew I didn't like him. I couldn't like anyone after only seeing them for a few seconds. I hadn't even talked to him. Besides, I loved Ryan. Despite our history, I loved him. And I knew he loved me.

Slowly I succumbed to sleep, still muttering about how I didn't love him. I know, I was being over-dramatic about it all. But can you blame me? I guessed it was because mentally and emotionally, my burns and wounds were still ripped wide open. I really wasn't ready for human contact outside my immediate family, and people like the nurses and doctors. My self-esteem was completely nonexistent in this state, and I was fairly happy that Ryan hadn't come to see me. I knew he would eventually, but I didn't want him remembering me like this. I was too weak, too ugly.

The days passed as I tried to make peace with my appearance. It was only a few days from my scheduled release date when they had decided that I needed more skin grafts, to make sure the risk of infection was zero when I went home. My skin above the waist was already a mishmash of almost-matching colors, but there were still a few patches of my own skin, both burned and some ivory on my legs. I guess it wasn't safe to keep the burned skin on or something.

Skin grafting was a nasty procedure, and I was put under general anesthesia beforehand. The pills had burned while going down, but the liquid in my IV was beautifully calming as it went up my arm.

When I woke up, several things were different. There was an insistent, achy pain in my stomach and thighs and I felt the pressing of the foam, tubing and dressing for the area to drain. All of that told me that the graft had been successful. A more pressing, interesting matter presented itself when Kelsey, a brilliantly blonde nurse intern, told me that I had two visitors.

"Send them in," I muttered groggily. She nodded and walked to the hall. It only took her a few seconds before coming back into the private room I'd been moved into after the graft. She had the visitor in tow, and I was slightly surprised to see Ian walking in, but surprise was the only emotion my drugged brain could muster.

I did notice that he looked better than the last time I'd seen him, however. He seemed stronger, and there looked like there was a bit more color in his cheeks. He also had a bit of light brown hair, though it was extremely short. I'd only seen him a few days ago…his hair must have grown quickly. While I was scrutinizing his changes, I noticed that he looked slightly embarrassed. I motioned that he could sit next to my bed.

He sat on the small plastic chair gingerly, as if his skin hurt more than mine did. There was a slightly awkward silence. I had always learned that whenever there was an awkward silence, a gay baby was born. I smiled genuinely at the thought, and Ian looked encouraged at it.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the other day. I was kind of out of it…. You caught me on the way out of my last chemo treatment," he sounded proud. I noticed his hand move to nervously pet his short hair forward. It was a sad-looking scene, as if he'd had to quit the habit after losing his hair.

"It's okay," I said, voice still not quite up to snuff, "You didn't have to come see me to say sorry. And I'm really glad you're out of chemo!" He smiled at my enthusiasm, even though it was stated hoarsely and without much volume.

"I didn't, really. I wanted to see you again," He said, blushing slightly. He ducked his head, and I imagined that if his hair was it's normal length, it would have fallen over his face. He really was cute, I thought, in an innocent little boy way.

"I kind of really like you," he said, blushing again. I felt bad for him…I loved Ryan, not him. I would have to let him down lightly.

"I'm sorry, Ian, but I already have a boyfriend," I said, feeling horrible. His face crumpled, and I knew that I whoever caused such an innocent boy to look like that. It broke my heart, but it was necessary.

Right at that moment, mywonderful boyfriend burst in….