The Darling of Dachau
The gate
They say
The greatest barrier to success is fear of failure. [Sven Goran Erikson]
As the tailpipe coughed black smoke and the rumble of the engine made the automobile hum to life, I began to count the number of times I stopped myself from telling Gleeson to turn around and head back. We followed the road by the riverside as another finger was released from the tension in my tight fist. The passing trees served as shelter to the cool blue water that rippled behind it. Something in watching the trees pass made me panic. As my lips parted, my hand flew to my mouth to stop the thought from rolling off my tongue. My eyes closed for half a second and when they opened, I let a sigh pass and leaned back in the seat.
While, whereas I was running out of fingers that represented my cowardliness, I realized when each finger represented two, that it was just as much bravery as backing down. I was almost brave for stopping myself each time. To tell myself that I had to keep going. I was already so far.
In my mind, that didn’t count for much. I fidgeted and to stop from shaking, sat on one hand. The other was busy hanging onto the knife and it wouldn’t do me much good if I stabbed myself during the trip there.
My thoughts subjected Gleeson and what he had done: draw his own blood. The question slid across my skin, sending rounds of goose bumps over my arms. I shivered. Why? Why did he hurt himself to make me go?
The answer felt right. It felt like the right answer, sure. But it didn’t make me feel any better.
To make me realize I had to stand up for myself… to be my own person with my own thoughts and opinions… the make me stand up for… what was right.
When he spoke, my racing heart along with thoughts had died down. It was as though in order for life to keep moving, one scene had to end and the other begin.
“We’ll be there soon, Hanna.” he said softly. His eyes ever left the road.
I wanted to say something. How much him being there meant to me, how strong he was and what an impact he’d made on my life. To even smile would have been fine. But I swallowed all that and nodded firmly. It hurt in the heart when he did nothing more.
The greatest barrier to success is fear of failure. [Sven Goran Erikson]
As the tailpipe coughed black smoke and the rumble of the engine made the automobile hum to life, I began to count the number of times I stopped myself from telling Gleeson to turn around and head back. We followed the road by the riverside as another finger was released from the tension in my tight fist. The passing trees served as shelter to the cool blue water that rippled behind it. Something in watching the trees pass made me panic. As my lips parted, my hand flew to my mouth to stop the thought from rolling off my tongue. My eyes closed for half a second and when they opened, I let a sigh pass and leaned back in the seat.
While, whereas I was running out of fingers that represented my cowardliness, I realized when each finger represented two, that it was just as much bravery as backing down. I was almost brave for stopping myself each time. To tell myself that I had to keep going. I was already so far.
In my mind, that didn’t count for much. I fidgeted and to stop from shaking, sat on one hand. The other was busy hanging onto the knife and it wouldn’t do me much good if I stabbed myself during the trip there.
My thoughts subjected Gleeson and what he had done: draw his own blood. The question slid across my skin, sending rounds of goose bumps over my arms. I shivered. Why? Why did he hurt himself to make me go?
The answer felt right. It felt like the right answer, sure. But it didn’t make me feel any better.
To make me realize I had to stand up for myself… to be my own person with my own thoughts and opinions… the make me stand up for… what was right.
When he spoke, my racing heart along with thoughts had died down. It was as though in order for life to keep moving, one scene had to end and the other begin.
“We’ll be there soon, Hanna.” he said softly. His eyes ever left the road.
I wanted to say something. How much him being there meant to me, how strong he was and what an impact he’d made on my life. To even smile would have been fine. But I swallowed all that and nodded firmly. It hurt in the heart when he did nothing more.
♠ ♠ ♠
Inactive and unfinished for awhile.