Strawberry Gashes

Why are so many people afraid
of the dark?
I think it is the idea of darkness that
scares you.
I mean, you would be more afraid
of what could be there,
than what actually is there, right?
I wonder why so many people have
faith in the light.
Just because you can see in the light,
does not mean it is as safe as you think.
Because you must not forget,
Shadows are born
from within
the light.

The blood seeped into the rug. The beautiful snow white rug. It began spreading around, creating such a stain even the dry cleaners would cry. My arm felt like ice was shooting through it. Exactly like pricking myself with hundreds of needles. I could hear him crying in the room. Every time, he cries. Why? I always wonder, why? He has to learn that I am me. He can not change me, and his love will not fix me. But I know he will not give up. No matter how much I beg, he will never give up.

I walk into the room after I cleaned my arm up. He was leaning against the bed post, smoking a menthol cigarette. I could practically taste the peppermint from across the room. His eyes were puffy and red. He looked over at me and smiled. “Are you ready to go Ella?” He asked. I grabbed a cigarette from his pack, lit it, took in a long drag, then I turned back to face him. “No,” I said, “But I have to go anyway.” We both left the room and walked out of the front door.

The funeral was long. It took nearly three hours. She always hated long things. She could never sit around for longer than an hour without getting fidgety. I sat in the back, not wanting to be any closer to the casket. My little sister lie there, empty, and full of nothing. It was too quiet in here. She always hated the quiet. I remember exactly what the preacher said about her. He said she was 'always happy' and 'such a great person'. So 'generous and kind towards anyone she met'. Did her ever even meet her? She was selfish and greedy. Always pissed off at someone. She was a horrible person. But she was my person. My other half. I was older by two minutes and twenty-two seconds. Two-Two-Two. It had always been our lucky number. When they told me she died at 2:22 am, I didn't believe them.

My arm stung from earlier. Mason looked at me. His eyes only a little shade of pink now. “It's time to go Ella.” He stood up and walked to the end of the row, waiting for me. He stood there for fifteen minutes while I sat in my chair. When I had finished my personal mourning I stood as well. Right before I walked out of the door I turned one last time and whispered, “Goodbye Anni. See you again someday.”

As I lie in bed that night Mason rolled over and looked at me. He traced the cut on my arm. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” He asked for the hundredth time. I closed my eyes. He kept going, “Can you not just cry and get it over with like normal people?” I looked at him with no emotion on my face, “You may rid yourself of your pain how you wish to. I do not question your methods or your tears. So if you will please leave my methods at peace as well, I will greatly appreciate it.” Glaring at me he moved to get on top of me as he pinned my arms above my head. I let him have his way with me for the night. I never let out a single noise as he thrust into me. I did not flinch, nor did I grin. I was just as dead as ever.

If you do not let yourself feel, you do not experience pain. If you keep your emotions in check, you have no weakness. I married a man I did not love. I lived through my brothers and sisters funerals, as well as my parents. I controlled every aspect of my life and I never wished for a thing. I did not want, and I did not need. The only thing I held onto in life was my razor. My emotion and pain came out of my body with the blood. My strawberry gashes kept me alive. They were the only thing. My strawberry gashes also destroyed me. Eventually one was a little too deep. I was alright with it. I sat there, knowing my life was draining away. All over that new damn snow white rug. I always had a new rug. This one though, was my favorite. I imagined it to be magical because it went from white to red in an instant. Now I could finally see all of the things that left me in life. Now I am free.