Fake Girlfriend

I looked over in the corner of the family room where the Christmas tree was. I couldn’t remember ever having a tree like that at my house. Honestly, I could hardly remember having any Christmas trees for any Christmas I spent with any of my family. Sure, with my foster families I had Christmas trees, but they weren’t like this one. They were so personal, filled with memories and love. That wasn’t something I saw with my foster families’ trees.

I stared at all the different ornaments. The entire family must have brought them to Joshua’s house, because I saw homemade ones signed in little kid handwriting. There was a few I could see that had Calvin’s name. And there was a lot by the triplets. There was a few signed in a very unsteady hand with just a big ‘R’ on the front, painted with random swirls of red and green; I guessed that those were Regina’s, though I couldn’t tell from when, because I doubted her handwriting had gotten much better, considering her circumstance. I smiled when I saw a few by Thisbe, most of them in yellow, which must have been her favorite color from at least the age of five to ten.

Along with the homemade ornaments, there were some Christmas cards, old and new, made by hand placed in the tree. Again, I spotted one signed in Thisbe’s messy kid handwriting. The words on the card were scribbled in big red and green letters: “Merry Christmas, Mommy and Daddy!” I felt a large thump in my chest. Just like every little kid, I had made cards for my parents—that is, before my family fell apart. I wondered what ever happened to them. I could picture my mother throwing them out. My father might have kept them—I wouldn’t know, because I never really knew the guy—but no doubt they were lost after he… committed suicide. Suddenly, the memories were taking over me faster than I could push them back. I felt like I was drowning in them.

I stood abruptly.

“What’s up with you?” Mike asked, cocking an eyebrow.

I could hardly hear him, too consumed with thoughts. I held my head. “Excuse me,” I said. “Um, where’s the bathroom?”

Thisbe frowned. “Down that hall,”—she pointed—“on the left. It’s the first door. Are you okay?”

I nodded and hastily walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I breathed out, holding my head with both hands now, and slid against the door to the floor. I felt like a gunshot was going off in my head. The gunshot that took my father’s own life. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, like the tears I shed when my mother, but this time, I didn’t let them fall down my cheeks. I didn’t cry. Not anymore. I felt the hatred I had had for Lloyd when I first met him and, shamefully, Joy when she was little. I felt the sting of realizing, as a kid who was just reunited with her mother, that she had had another family for all this time while I was in foster care. Alone. I felt the fear of hearing how she had recently gotten out of rehab and how I may lose Joy. I felt the hatred of thinking that my mother only wanted me, not her little girl. Those tears were welling up again.

I don’t cry, I told myself. Not over this. I won’t.

I never realized how excruciatingly painful thoughts alone were. It felt like my insides were getting ripped out. This had to be more painful than any gunshot or stab to the chest. I was panting. I could hardly breathe. I was pretty much ripping my hair out, begging for the pain to stop, and at the same time, I tried to stay quiet so not to worry Joy and Thisbe and all the other people in the family room, just another reason not to cry. However, this pain was almost unbearable. I was clawing at the floor.

Stop, I begged in my head, to no one. Please!

“Cole?” Thisbe’s very worried voice said at the other side of the door. She knocked. “Cole, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just using the bathroom,” I answered, but my voice caught. I grinded my teeth together and accidently let out a very quiet cry of pain. She probably heard my panting, too.

“Cole?” Now she was really worried. She pounded on the door. “That’s a lie. Let me in,” she said.

“Thisbe, stop,” I growled. She would cause a scene. Then, Joy would see me like this.

“Let me in!” she said, this time louder.

Quickly, I turned the knob and opened the door just enough for her to get in, and then I shut it and locked it again. She looked at me, horribly concerned. I knew my face was twisted in pain, but I tried not to look at her. Instead, I stared at the floor. I still felt like I was drowning, but I tried to pretend I wasn’t. Right after Joy, Thisbe was the last person I wanted to see me like this.

She kneeled by me. “Are you okay?” she asked. How many times had she said that before? She lifted my face with her hands to look at her. “Are you sick?”

I grabbed her hands and removed them from my face. I looked away. I started clawing at the floor again. The pain of all my thoughts was now being accompanied by pain from the guilt of seeing Thisbe’s worried face. She shouldn’t worry about me. I didn’t trust myself to say anything without exploding in pain, so I just stayed quiet.

“Cole,” her voice was shaking. “Say something, would you? You’re scaring me.”

I rested my head on my knees. I couldn’t look at her. Not without the pain increasing. “Stop. Please, leave me alone.”

“No,” she said, suddenly firm.

I looked up at her. There were tears sliding down her cheeks. There was another stab at my chest. She was crying. For me. Hastily, I pulled her into a hug, arms tightly around her. I wouldn’t let her cry for me. I didn’t want her to be burdened with my problems.

“Cole…?” She sniffed.

I clutched her tighter. I don’t I could let her go even if I wanted to. After a moment, I closed my eyes and my arms loosened around her. My breathing calmed. I felt the pain and the thoughts melting away. It was almost like my concern over Thisbe wiped out everything else. I rested my head on her shoulder, almost smiling and swarmed with sudden relief.

She tried to pull away a little, causing me again to hug her tighter. “No,” I said quietly. “Please.”

Instead, she hugged me back without saying anything.

“Did something happen?” she asked

Finally, I forced myself to let her go and even forced a smile on my face. “Don’t worry about it. Just personal stuff. I don’t want to burden you.”

“You wouldn’t burden me,” she said, without a moment of hesitation, “so don’t think that.”

I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know how to respond. I’d never heard that before, and it was such a relief to hear. Almost like it was a weight being lifted from my shoulders. I smiled, this time genuinely. “Thanks, but it’s fine now. I’m okay.”

“Cole…” She didn’t seem convinced.

My smile got bigger to assure her. “No, really, Thisbe.” I noticed the tears still wet on her face, and I wiped them away with my thumb. “Thank you.” I stood and helped her to her feet. Finally, she smiled.

We both walked out of the bathroom, a scene that would look very suspicious, especially to Joshua who was waiting for us outside. He cocked an eyebrow and crossed his arms. He didn’t have to say anything for me to know what he was going to ask.

I felt the best way to go was to be honest. “Sorry.” I scratched my head. “I sorta melted down for a second. Thisbe was just cheering me up.”

“Cheering you up?” Joshua repeated. He looked suspiciously at Thisbe and her red eyes. He looked at me with almost a sharp glare. “Boy, she looks worse off than you.”

“Josh, it’s alright. He’s telling the truth,” Thisbe said. “I just ended up crying a little. You know me.” She gave a small smile.

He sighed. “Alright, if you say so.” He started to walk into the family room and we followed. Mike, along with Thisbe’s father and now Joshua, were now talking in the kitchen, so I took Mike’s seat on the couch next to Thisbe. Joy and Sam sat squished in one of the recliners in the room, and Sasha and Sandra took the other. Calvin wasn’t anywhere in sight.

“What was that all about?” Raul asked. He was now on the other couch squished between Luke and a giggling Regina. From the looks of it, Nico had been forced on the floor, under Regina.

“Nothing really,” Thisbe answered.

“Suuuspicious~!” Luke joked.

Thisbe rolled her eyes, but laughed it off.

“Uncle Nicooo! Uncle Raulie! Uncle Luke!” Sasha whined.

“We’re boooored,” her sister finished.

“Yeah!” Joy and Sam cut in together.

Luke grinned. “We should watch a Christmas movie!”

“Ooh! Yeah!” Raul said.

“It’s getting a little late. You’re guys’ bedtime is before it would end,” Nico told the little ones.

“We don’t care!” The three said in unison.

Nico shrugged and stood. “Okay, then,” he said. He walked into the kitchen to quickly tell the people in there that we were going to watch a movie then he walked back in up to the TV. cabinet where it seemed all the movies were. “Which one?”

“I like the Polar Express!” Joy said.

I looked over at her and smiled. One Christmas, after having a small celebration with Ross, I took her to see Polar Express. Every year since, she always wanted to watch it at Christmas, but Lloyd didn’t exactly want to watch it, so we could never watch it at our house.

“Let’s see…” Nico said, rummaging through the cabinet. He grinned and pulled out a DVD case. “You in luck, Little Miss Joy.”

Joy jumped up and down. Sam was laughing, because he was being bounced, too. “Yay!” she said.

We all shifted and got comfortable as Nico set up the movie. Josh, Shelby, Mike, and Mr. and Mrs. Byrd came from the kitchen, and Thisbe and I moved off the couch for Thisbe’s parents and sat on the floor next to each other. Regina got up for her father and sat at his feet, leaning up against the couch. After quickly going to go see what Calvin was up to, Josh was now on the recliner Sasha and Sandra had been in with the two girls on his lap. Joy came up and sat by me so that Sam could sit with him Mom, and Mike sat on the floor near Raul, Luke, and Nico. Everyone looked comfortable. It was so different to see this very close family all lounging around for a Christmas movie than my own family. Joy scooted close to me, and I put my arm around her and kissed her forehead.

I heard Thisbe laugh softly.

I looked at her. “What?”

“You’re just a good big brother,” she answered.

I smirked. “I try.” Very hard, I added in my head.

When the movie started, everyone was quiet. Joy was watching very intently, but I could tell as she started to doze off half way through. I chuckled a little and whispered to her, “I think it’s time for you to go to bed.” I picked her up into my lap than stood up with her in my arms.

She shook her head. “I wanna watch the rest of the movie…”

“Later. I promise,” I told her.

Shelby stood, too. “I’ll show you two to where you’re sleeping.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

***

When I came back, Joshua had taken the triplets to their room, and Regina went to her and her father’s room. As the movie went on, everyone else was starting to get weary and heading to bed with a “Goodnight” to everyone in the room. Towards the end, there were only four of us: Thisbe and I who had moved onto the couch, and Luke and Raul. Apparently, they two were sleeping on the couches so they had no choice but to stay.

Thisbe was falling fast. Every time I looked over at her, her head would bob in momentary sleep, and then she would jerk awake. I chuckled at her, but honestly, I was pretty tired myself. Just before I was going to stand up and call it a night, I felt something on my shoulder. I looked over and there was Thisbe, laying her head on my shoulder, resting in the crook of my neck, asleep again.

I chuckled and shook her slightly. Her eyes fluttered open, and she jerked her head up. “Hey there,” I said. “Maybe you should head to sleep.”

She shook her head. “I want to see the end. I won’t fall asleep 'til then.”

“Well, you were sleeping just now.”

She frowned. “Nuh-uh.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re worse than my little sister.” She gave me a tired grin. I grabbed a pillow that served as a decoration on the couch and put it on my lap. “At least lie down. If you keep dozing off like that you’re going to fall tip onto your face.”

She lay down on the pillow without argument.

And only a moment or two later, she was asleep once again.

Raul, Luke, and I all laughed.

“So much for watching the end of the movie,” Luke commented.

I snickered and nodded. “Yeah. She is really tired, I guess.”

“That makes two of us,” Raul said, yawning.

The contagious yawn made Luke yawn, too. “Three,” he corrected.

I chuckled, and then yawned, too. “Okay,” I said. “Time to hit the hay.” I slid off the couch, careful not to wake Thisbe as I got out from under her.

“Wakie, wakie, Bumblebee,” Raul teased from where he was sitting.

Thisbe didn’t stir.

“It’s okay. I got it,” I said.

“Got it?” Luke asked.

Gently, trying not to wake her up, I scooped her up. She shifted a little in my arms and murmured something, but I don’t think she was quite awake. I looked over at Raul, who had his eye brow cocked at me. “Erm, where’s she sleeping?”

“Very end of the hall,” Raul answered.

I nodded.

“You need help?” he asked.

I chuckled again. “Nah. I’ve done this once before,” I answered, recalling the zoo when Thisbe fainted, and I had to carry her to the aquarium where it was cool.

“Okay, then…”

I smirked. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Luke said.

I slowly walked down the hall. As I walked, I looked down at Thisbe and smiled a bit. I could hear her murmuring, but not loud enough to make sense of the words. When Mike said she sleep talked, he wasn’t kidding. I almost cracked up, but when she snuggled against my chest I stopped and froze as a shiver ran up my spine. Red faced, I walked the rest of the way to her room. With some struggle, I managed to pull the covers back and place Thisbe softly on the bed.

That’s when she stirred and her soft murmurs got loud enough to understand. “…Not a burden,” she was mumbling. “You’re not a burden to me.”

I smirked and pulled the covers up over her. “I know,” I said. I kissed her forehead. “Thank you, Thisbe.”