Be My Escape

Work for the next few days felt boring and repetitive. There were a lot of files to be filed, mail to be sorted, and things to be read over and sent to various editors in the office. Apparently, this was the busiest time of the year for my dad’s office, and so the interns help was much appreciated. We were always exhausted by the end of each day, which was nice because it meant we were actually doing stuff, but it didn’t leave a lot of time to have any fun.

Because of all of this newfound work we had to do, Jake and I weren’t hanging out as much. Or, if we did hang out, it would consist of us watching a movie until one of us (usually me) fell asleep on the couch. Jake still wasn’t staying over, mainly because I just wasn’t comfortable with moving that fast, but also because we were both exhausted each night.

Unfortunately, I still wasn’t getting much sleep either. The newest nightmare I was having was really starting to freak me out, mainly because it was a new one. I was used to the old nightmare, but now that I was having this new one I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. It was really starting to not only affect my sleeping habits, but also my mood.

I was a complete and total bitch. I’m lucky Jake hadn’t ditched me yet. I’m also lucky Max and the guys hadn’t completely lost it on me yet. I kept running into them periodically throughout the week, just as I was leaving for work or just as I was coming home, and each time I would tend to act like a bitch. I tried my hardest to put on a smile when I saw them, but it was ridiculously hard. One night I almost bit Josh’s head off, which come to think of it I still hadn’t apologized for, and he got extremely pissed off and we currently weren’t talking. Ever since that night, I tried to avoid them because I felt genuinely bad for being such a bitch.

That Friday night of the second week I was in England though, Jake and I had decided to go out to eat for dinner. That weekend was going to be crazy, with the party at the guys’ place on Saturday and a huge family dinner that I was going to at my dad’s place with Max and the guys on Sunday, so Jake and I felt like a good old fashioned date night was in order.

We went out to eat at our favorite sushi place and then came home to watch a movie, something I hadn’t heard of but that was apparently a classic in Jake’s eyes. After we settled down in more comfortable clothing, we stretched out on the couch to watch the movie.

It didn’t take me long to fall asleep. I wasn’t surprised, I guess. Work had been exceptionally tiring that night, and my nightmares were still as vivid and terrifying as ever, and I still had the fact that Josh wasn’t speaking to me nagging at me in the back of my mind. I was physically and mentally exhausted. So, I easily drifted off about five minutes into the movie, my head resting on Jake’s shoulder while his arm was wrapped around me.

Suddenly, I was standing on the same edge I always stood on in my nightmares. Amanda was nowhere to be found, though, which was the odd part. Everything else was the same; it was as if I was finishing out the dream finally.

It was like I couldn’t move. My feet were glued to the ground while I stood there in my black and white bikini. My hair was still wet from when we had just briefly dipped in the water. Then we decided to climb the rocky ledge though, and test ourselves. Tons of people jumped off these cliffs into the water, so we should have been safe.

Then I heard my name. “Peyton. Peyton, I’m down here.”

It was her. I knew it was her, just by her voice. She was okay. She had jumped, but she was just fine. She was now swimming in the water, happy as a clam, waiting for me to jump too.

I couldn’t move my feet though, and I knew I had to go to the ledge so I could see her face. I had to know she was okay.

“Peyton, help me. Why won’t you help me?” She cried.

I was helpless though; I still couldn’t move my damn feet. “I-I can’t!” I stuttered, starting to panic.

“Why won’t you help me?” she continued to cry.

“I can’t!” I cried out, falling to the ground in a heap, hitting the rocky ledge below me hard as I crumpled into a ball of fear, panic, and tears.

I jumped up, springing from Jake’s arms, in a cold sweat. “Peyton, what the bloody hell’s the matter?” he asked me, concern dripping from every word.

“I—I had a bad dream,” I told him sincerely. It was true. That stupid fucking nightmare; a year later, and I was still being haunted.

“Peyton, talk to me.” He coaxed me back onto the couch, pulling me into him as my tears began to fall. I hadn’t cried in front of anyone other than my mother in a long time, and it scared me. I hated being vulnerable like this, and yet as I sat there in front of Jake at my most vulnerable, I felt safe in a way.

“I’ve been having this bad dream,” I choked out as I cried into his t-shirt. He rubbed small circles into my back to try and comfort me, but it didn’t work. Nothing would work until I got this all out.

“’S alrigh’ love, we all have bad dreams,” he chuckled, but it was a nervous chuckle. It was a chuckle you let out when you didn’t know what else to do.

I shook my head and pulled back. “I’ve had the same bad dream for the past year. I’m used to it by now, but for the past week it’s changed and it’s worse and I’m reminded of everything all over again,” I confessed, curling into the back of the couch as I hugged my knees to my body. Everything hurt.

“Peyton, love, you have to tell me what’s wrong alrigh’? I want to help you, I really do. But you have to talk to me.”

I just nodded but didn’t say anymore for several moments.

“My best friend died right before my very eyes, and I couldn’t save her,” I admitted finally, crawling into Jake’s side for comfort as I cried. He rubbed my back and let me soak his shirt for awhile before I calmed down enough. I had to tell him the story. I had to tell him the entire story.

***

It was a month before school was going to let out; it was May, and the birds were always singing and the sun seemed to always be shining, just taunting us kids as we sat in school, just waiting for that last day. That day when the bell rang and we were finally free. For people like Amanda and I, it would be the end. As Seniors, we were almost officially done with high school, and we couldn’t be happier.

As a treat, my mom and step dad and Amanda’s mom and dad decided to take the two of us to a beach in Maine, several hours away from home. My mom knew we had been stressed to the max with finals and other things, and she knew we needed a little get away. So we decided to stay at the beach for the weekend on one exceptionally warm weekend in the beginning of May.

The beach was rather deserted; Amanda said it was because all the other “lame-o’s” were sitting at home counting down the days for vacation. I just said it was because the beach we were at was exceptionally rocky and there were tons of other, better beaches closer to home.

We couldn’t complain though. We were having too much fun, just the two of us and our families. It was extremely relaxing, and we were having an amazing time; we felt invincible.

One afternoon, Amanda was starting to get restless. She often did get that way though; Amanda was a risk taker. She liked to test the limit and push her parents’ buttons. As she and I laid on the beach sunbathing, she sat up and grinned her megawatt smile at me. “You know that cliff over there?” she asked as she pointed off in the distance.

“Yeah?” I mumbled, not bothering to sit up or evenmove. I was having a good time relaxing, and I knew Amanda was about to ruin it.

“There’s been a few people jumping off it for the past few days, and it looks like a total rush.”

“Your point?” I mumbled, lifting my sunglasses off of my face as I narrowed my eyes at her.

“My point,” she stressed with a smirk, “is that it looks like a complete rush and I think we should try it.”

Amanda was extremely persuasive. She could get me to do just about anything by looking at me a certain way or by saying the right thing. She could do this to a lot of people, which some people thought was an amazing talent to have. I just found it extremely annoying that even after so many years of friendship, I still couldn’t resist her.

I sighed. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”

It took us awhile to get to the top of the ledge. By the time we got up there, there was only one guy waiting his turn to jump, and he looked like he was going to chicken out. “What's the matter?” she teased him as she turned her flirt on. Amanda was a huge flirt, another thing I was not. “Are you scared?”

He didn’t seem phased by what she said though. He just nodded. “Scared shitless,” he admitted with a nervous laugh. “The jump isn’t bad, but you have to do it just right. There’s too many rocks down there, so you really don’t have room for a screw up.”

He took a deep breath and gave us a grin and a thumbs up. “See you down there!” he called out, launching himself over the edge. We heard him scream as he fell to the water, and then a splash and cheers from his friends. We held our breath as we waited for him to come back up, and when he did we heard him let out a loud ‘whoop!’

Amanda looked at me and raced over to the edge, pulling me along as she held my hand. “Okay, we jump together.”

I nodded, scared out of my mind.

“If we don’t neither of us will jump. Right?”

I nodded again, unable to speak.

“Best friends forever, jump together,” she laughed, letting her nerves slip into her voice. She took a deep breath and smiled at me. “One.”

Oh no. I was going to be sick. I couldn’t do this.

“Two.”

“Amanda, I can’t do—”

“Three!” she screamed, jumping over the edge.

Without me.

***

“Oh my god, Peyton,” Jake breathed quietly as I finished my story. He held me close, rocking me as I started to cry again.

“It was my fault,” I wailed. “I should have jumped. If I had, she wouldn’t have hesitated and she wouldn’t have jumped all awkwardly. She wouldn’t have hit the rock and she wouldn’t have been knocked unconscious. It’s all my fault she drowned!” I exclaimed, crying harder.

This was the first time I had said my fear out loud to anyone. I never said anything to my mom, or any of my other friends, or anyone. Jake was the first one to know that I felt like it was all my fault. A year later, and no one knew how guilty I felt.

“Hey now,” he shushed me. “It is not your fault Peyton. Accidents happen, and that’s all that was. It was a terrible, freak accident that no one could have prevented.”

I shook my head, but didn’t bother to protest. The first person I told and he didn’t even get it. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I had said way too much that night. Too much had been revealed all because I had let my guard down, and now I was being punished. The first person I tell, and they don’t have any clue what I’m saying.

I quieted down, and started to drift in and out of conscience. Finally, Jake leaned down and kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this Peyton. It’s awful, and no one should have to see something like that.”

I was numb though. I felt like an idiot for telling him anything. He just didn’t get it.

He sighed and gave my arm one last rub. “I’m going to go home now. Call me if you need me alright?”

I nodded and stayed silent. I didn’t say anything about the party tomorrow because now I wasn’t so sure I wanted him there. I kind of wanted to spend some time with the guys, maybe even apologize to Josh.

“G’night Peyton.” He said to me.

“Night,” I managed to get out. That was all though. I stayed in my spot until I heard the door click shut as Jake left. Then, I fell into fetal position on the couch and cried and cried for hours, until I couldn’t cry anymore. I eventually fell asleep in that spot. The only thing that woke me up was the sound of my own scream as I had the recurring nightmare once again.

So this was what I was going to get for finally getting it off my chest? I thought to myself bitterly as I stumbled into my bedroom. Red, puffy eyes, a maybe boyfriend who didn’t understand, and a nightmare that wouldn’t go away? I decided right then as I started to drift into sleep that I wouldn’t speak of Amanda again for the rest of my stay. It obviously wasn’t going to help anything.