Be My Escape

“Max, I can honestly say I would rather saw my arm off with a butter knife than go to that party,” I called to my step brother as I walked away from the front door. I ventured into the kitchen and grabbed the container of orange juice I picked up at the shop the other day, pouring some into my empty cup resting on the counter.

“Oh come off it Peyton!” Max groaned as he appeared in the kitchen with me.

I just shrugged and put the juice away, then hopped up on the counter. I took a drink of my juice before continuing. “I’m not in a good mood Max, so I won’t do anything but piss people off.”

“You mean Josh?” he smirked, crossing his arms in front of his chest while he leaned against the counter opposite from me. “He’s a moody lad, but he’ll probably get drunk and won’t even notice you!”

I rolled my eyes and got off the counter, throwing my empty cup in the sink. “I don’t want to go, Max. Drop it.”

“Come on Peyton!” he exclaimed as he followed me into the living room, where I took a seat on the couch. It’s where I had been for most of the day, and where I was planning on spending my night. After the horrible night I had the night before with Jake, I just felt like being alone. Unfortunately, Max was stubborn and wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Just come for a little bit. You don’t have to stay even, just come say hi to the guys. We’ve been a little worried about you these past few days, you know.”

I looked at him skeptically, but his face gave way nothing but sincerity. I groaned. I couldn’t say no to him; he was genuinely worried about me, and he wanted me to have a little fun. “Fine,” I muttered, crossing my arms in front of me in a huff.

“Great!” he exclaimed, reaching out and hugging me tightly. “Are your friends from work comin’?”

I shrugged. I had originally planned on asking Beth and Jake to come to the party, but after the way I acted last night and Jake's reaction to it all. I wasn’t even planning on going to the party, so I figured what was the point? But now, I knew I had to call them both and ask them if they’d come; at least then I’d have some back ups if the guys all turned on me.

“Call ‘em up and invite them. You can even invite Jake!” he exclaimed with a broad smile. “It’ll be fun, I promise you Peyton.”

I didn’t even bother protesting. I knew that one way or the other, I would end up at that party, and there was a good chance Beth, Jake, and maybe even Sophia and Ricky would end up coming too. It was going to be an interesting night.

***

Tightening his grip on my hand as we made our way into the boys’ flat, Jake leaned down and said, “This is ridiculous,” in my ear with a little laugh. I just nodded and smiled, because it was. The guys had way too many people in their tiny flat, and I was sure they were going to end up getting in trouble.

“Peyton!” Matt exclaimed when he spotted us. He came over and hugged me tightly, careful not to spill his beer on me or Jake. “Good to see ya kid! Unwind a little tonight, alright?” he told me with a wink before heading off. I just laughed, knowing full well that Matt would end up “unwinding” enough for the both of us.

“That was Matt,” I informed Jake. “He likes to party.”

Jake smiled and nodded, and we continued to walk through. I had to find Max so I could show him I was making an appearance, and then I was basically free to go. I did not want to stay at that party, especially not with Jake. Not just the two of us anyways; Beth ended up backing out, saying she had things to do, as did Sophia and Ricky. So it was just Jake and I, and things were a little awkward from the previous night. We were getting through it I guess, it was just weird.

“Max!” I called out when I spotted him, not wanting to chase him down through the house. I pushed through a group of people so I could get to him, and when he spotted Jake and I he smiled.

“Peyt! Jake, nice to see ya mate,” he said with a tight smile and a shake of Jake’s hand. “Havin’ fun?” he asked me, genuinely curious.

I shrugged. “I guess. Look Max, I don’t know if we’re going to stay to be honest.”

I looked to Jake for confirmation and back up, but he just looked at me oddly. “We aren’t?”

I was caught off guard by his reaction, so I stumbled over my words for a minute. “Wh-what?”

He shrugged, glancing around at the lot of people everywhere. “I mean, it seems like we could have a good time. I think you could really use the unwindin’ right now Peyton.”

My mouth dropped open, and I have a feeling Max could sense the tension that was now surrounding us. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before mumbling an excuse to leave us alone and running off. “I think what I need right now is a night alone actually Jake.” My tone had taken a turn for the worse, and he could tell.

“Oh, don’t get mad Peyton. I’m just suggestin’ that we—”

“Drop it, Jake,” I growled, my words dripping with venom. “I know what I do and don’t need, and I do not need someone telling me otherwise. So fuck off.” I glared at him and turned on my heel before walking off. He didn’t come after me, which was for the better. There’s a chance I would have just slapped him—or worse.

I pushed through the crowd of people to get to the fridge where the beer was most likely located. I reached in and grabbed a can; I wasn’t a huge drinker, but I was stressed majorly and I could use something right about then. So I clutched the can and pushed through the crowd again.

I tried to find an area of the flat that wasn’t crowded, but it was nearly impossible. I ended up wandering down a hallway to one of the guys’ bedrooms. There was a sign on the door that said “DO NOT ENTER. AND NO SHAGGING. SHAG-FREE ZONE,” which made me chuckle. The door was cracked ever so slightly, so I pushed it open the rest of the way and snuck inside, closing the door behind me quickly. I leaned against it and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

“You don’ follow directions very well, do you?”

“Jesus Christ!” I exclaimed, dropping my beer on the floor with a loud, resounding thud. Luckily, it was closed, so it didn’t spill everywhere, but I knew I wouldn’t be drinking it anytime soon.

Josh chuckled, shaking his head as he held an acoustic guitar in his lap and a tattered looking notebook next to him on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” I told him sincerely. “I shouldn’t even be here, but Max is practically making me stay and Jake and I just got in a fight so I was trying to escape and when I saw the sign on your door,” I said, gesturing to the door behind me as the word vomit continued to spill, “I figured this would be the safest room to be in.”

Josh smirked. “Even if the sign said to stay out?”

I laughed and shrugged, my neck turning red with embarrassment. “I assumed no one else would be in here, so it’d make a good hiding spot.”

“Well, I’m hiding out too so you should join the club.” He scooted back on his bed and patted it, signifying that he wanted me to sit down with him.

I obliged, even though I was skeptical; I was surprised Josh was being semi-nice to me after the way I practically bit his head off the other day. But, I walked over and took a seat at the foot of the bed. I folded my legs up under me and leaned back, resting on my hands. "I'm surprised you're letting me in here after the way I lit into you the other day," I joked, albeit nervously.

Josh shrugged. "There's somethin' that you aren't tellin' all of us, and I have a feelin' that's why you've been in such a mood these days. I figured I'd just let it slide. At least this time."

I was completely taken aback. Josh, of all people, noticed my mood swing. It was almost like he knew what was wrong, but I knew that wasn't it. It was just very observant, or at least that's what I told myself.

“Why are you hiding out?” I asked suddenly, trying to change the subject, but also because I was genuinely curious. Josh said he didn’t like parties, but I figured this was different. At least this one was in his own place with his own friends.

He shrugged, strumming a few random chords on his guitar. “We needed another song for the record, and I had an idea in mind but I’ve gone proper mental and can’t get it quite figured out now.”

“You’ll get it,” I told him confidently, not doubting that he would for a second. Josh and I may not have been best friends or anything, but I could tell how important music and his band were to him, and I knew he wouldn’t let anything stop him from succeeding.

He smiled at me, but didn’t say anymore. “Want to hear it?” he asked me suddenly, out of the blue.

I nodded enthusiastically because I was now genuinely curious. It also felt kind of nice that Josh was confiding in me like this, even if I thought he hated me for biting his head off earlier in the week. I assumed it was the alcohol, seeing as he had several beer cans sitting on the stand next to his bed. He seemed like a different person when he had a little alcohol in him; he almost seemed like the kind of guy I could get along with.

He started to strum out a rhythm first after telling me he didn’t have the lyrics quite right for the first verse. He kept going and then said, “This is the chorus, which is really the only part I have down right now.” He kept strumming and then started to sing.

”’Cause I don’t know, who I am when
You’re running circles in my head.
And I don’t know, just who you are,
When you’re sleeping in someone else’s bed.”

My heartstrings pulled as he sang, pouring a ton of emotion into the small amount of time it took him to sing the few lines. I could feel all the pain and pent up anger and left over emotions he had from his breakup with his previous girlfriend, and it almost made me start to cry. I had never been so easily moved by lyrics, but then again I had never heard someone sing lyrics with so much emotion before.

“I have a verse, too, but I’m not sure about it yet,” he told me when he finished.

“I want to hear it,” I blurted out eagerly. I wanted as much of this song as he would give me.

He smiled gently and nodded, then continued to strum.

“Three whole words and eight letters late,
And that would have worked on me yesterday.
We’re not the same.
I wish that could change, but it can’t.
And I say your name, and in the same breath,
I say something that I’ll grow to regret.
So keep your hands on your chest
And sing with me,
That we don’t want to believe.”

“Holy shit, Josh,” I breathed when he finished, unable to contain my emotions. “That was amazing.” I was being honest, too. It was an amazing song, and I hadn’t even heard the whole thing.

“It’s nothin’ special,” he mumbled as a blush crept up his cheeks. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes for a couple minutes, but then he did. “You really think so?” he asked hopefully.

I smiled and nodded. “It’s amazing. Don’t sell yourself short. If I don’t see this song on that new CD of you guys’, I’ll be really mad.”

Josh groaned then, setting his guitar on the ground and shoving his hands through his hair. “I don’t get you, Peyton.”

“What do you—”

“You hate me, you say nice things to me, you hate me, then you tell me you love my song? I wish you’d make up your bloody mind,” he muttered, not looking me in the eye.

I sighed sadly. Apparently, the alcohol was wearing off him now. Either that, or he was being snapped back to reality. “You don’t know me Josh,” I told him once again. My tone wasn't harsh or biting, but more sad. I had a feeling that if Josh did really know me, he’d either think I was a complete basket case or he’d understand why my emotions weren’t exactly in check all of the time.

“You keep sayin’ that Pey, but do you really know yourself?”

I stared at him for a minute as I absorbed his question. We didn’t break eye contact for a good couple minutes; I wasn’t sure about Josh, but it was almost like I couldn’t look away from him. I thought Josh didn’t know me, but right then as we were staring at each other, I felt like he could see right through me.

Suddenly I coughed, looking down and breaking the silence that had enveloped the two of us. “I guess I should go find Jake,” I said awkwardly as I got off the bed. I didn’t really feel like going anywhere, but I knew I had to. Jake was probably looking for me, and if he found me with Josh he probably wouldn’t be too happy.

“Yeah,” Josh said, his tone monotone.

I started to walk towards the door, but Josh stopped me just as I wrapped my hand around the doorknob. What he said next was either a blessing in disguise, or purely the alcohol talking. Either way, it both freaked me out and reassured me all at once.

“Be careful with Jake. I don’t like him, and I don’t want him to hurt you more than you already clearly are.”

I gave him a funny look, not because of what he said about Jake. Right then, I couldn’t have cared less about Jake. What bothered me was that while I thought Josh didn’t know me at all, he really could see right through me. It scared me; maybe I wasn’t as tough as I thought, and maybe my façade wasn’t as thick as it needed to be.

Without saying another word, I left Josh alone to go find Jake.