Be My Escape

Waking up next to Josh was, oddly enough, not the strangest thing to happen to me that morning. It should have been, but it wasn’t.

The weirdest thing was when I woke up and realized I hadn’t had a nightmare. The second weirdest thing was when I woke up only to find Josh’s arm nestled around my waist. The third weirdest thing was that I wasn’t in any way, shape, or form repulsed by this action. I was actually enjoying it.

When I woke up though and realized Josh had his arm around me, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I snuck a quick peak at the clock only to realize it was only eight in the morning and I groaned quietly. Josh stirred next to me, and I held my breath, praying he’d fall back asleep. When he did and I felt the coast was clear, I detangled myself from him and slowly crawled out of my bed.

After grabbing my hoodie, I walked out of my room and shut the door before padding out into the kitchen. When I got there, I just stood in the middle of the tiled floor, unsure of what to do with myself. I wasn’t usually up this early on the weekends, but now I was up and had nothing to do.

Sighing, I walked over to the tea kettle and filled it with water before setting it on the stove and turning on the heat. I looked out the window above the sink while I waited for that familiar whistle and let my brain get the best of me.

Josh had slept over last night. Josh slept with me in my bed. We slept together, in the most literal sense of the word.

I let a shiver travel up my spine just thinking about the previous night.

I looked at Josh sadly and said simply, "Don't go."

So he stayed.

After our lips got reacquainted for the second time that night, we made our way back into my flat. It was all lazy movements and easy touches, because for some reason we felt like we had all the time in the world.

We both sat down on the couch and continued our making out from before, only this time it was much less rushed. We were slow and easy and nothing was stopping us unless we wanted to stop.

And we did stop, of course. We got about as far as me leaning back on the couch with Josh hovering over me, his hands under my t-shirt and his lips on my neck before I told him we should stop.

And he did, which was the best part. There was no protest and no argument. He just silently agreed, pulling his hands out from under my clothes and taking his lips off my neck. We both sat up and sat on the couch, suddenly extremely tired. So we got up and made our way to my bedroom, even after Josh asked me a million times if I was sure. And I was. I had never been so sure in my life.

The sound of the whistling tea pot should have taken me from my daydreams and my thoughts of the night before, but it didn’t. I was completely oblivious. The only reason I snapped out of it was because Josh was saying my name, over and over again until I looked at him. “Oh,” was all I said, suddenly feeling awkward for zoning out so terribly. “Morning,” I smiled shyly.

“You mental case,” he laughed, moving the kettle off the heat and then pouring us each a mug and dropping a tea bag in. “You were completely out of it.”

I shrugged, picking up my mug and mouthing my thanks before dumping cream and sugar in. “I was just thinking.”

“What about?” he prodded before fixing his own cup with honey and milk.

I shrugged and took a sip, letting the warm liquid sit in my mouth for a minute before swallowing. I cringed after realizing it had too much sugar in, but continued to drink it anyways. “Last night.”

He nodded knowingly, as if expecting this. Which, I mean, really. Of course he should have expected this.

“Regretting it now?” he said, still as if he knew everything which irritated me.

I rolled my eyes. “No, don’t put words in my mouth. I was just thinking, I guess. Wondering what the hell we’re going to do, what we are, what’s going on. That sort of thing.” They were all normal questions to be wondering, or at least I thought so. I mean, we had practically hooked up the night before. We used to hate each other. I still wondered if Josh was using me in some unconscious way, but I wasn’t going to voice that concern; not yet anyways.

Josh set his cup down and sighed before raking his hand through his hair and shaking it out. It was a habit I used to find annoying, but now I just found it sort of comforting. “You shouldn’t over think it, Peyton. I’m not. Just go with the flow for once, yeah?”

I rolled my eyes again; Josh’s presence had given me the habit of rolling my eyes a lot. “You can’t tell me to not over think something like this, Josh. I have no idea what’s going on, and I hate that. I hate not having any sort of control over something like this, because it could lead to me getting hurt and that’s really just about the last thing I could take right now.”

“You’re not always goin’ to have control, Peyt. You have to realize that. Sometimes, things happen that you aren’t expectin’ and you just have to go with the flow.” He shrugged again, as if he didn’t know what else to say. “If you can’t take that then maybe we should act like last night didn’t happen and we can go back to hatin’ each other.”

I gave him an expressionless look, because I was sure he knew that’s not what I wanted. Maybe I didn’t know what I wanted out of whatever this was between Josh and I, but going back to constantly fighting with him? That just didn’t sound like my idea of fun.

“Alright then,” he smiled when I didn’t argue. “I gotta go to the studio to do some quick vocal parts, but I’d like to maybe take you out for a proper date tonight if that’s okay with you.”

I just nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. “We’re going to have to talk about this though, Josh. I’m not saying we have to define anything, but we have to at least figure out what’s going on.”

“Later Peyton,” he sighed, frustrated. “I’ll come over around six, alright?”

I shrugged and nodded.

“Bye love,” he smiled, kissing my forehead before heading out.

I had no idea what Josh had planned for tonight, and I had no idea where we stood. I hated feeling like I had no control. The last time I had no control was when I watched my best friend jump off a cliff, and let’s face it, that obviously ended terribly. I felt like I was holding my breath until this all ended horribly, also.

Sighing, I shook the thoughts away. I had to look on the bright side. Josh and I would talk later and we’d figure things out and then I’d have at least a little bit of control. Things didn’t always end horribly, and maybe this was just an example of that.

I really fucking hope so, I thought to myself as I finished my tea and went to get a shower. I needed this all to work out more than I realized I think. Which was a hell of a lot.