Be My Escape

I woke up the next morning with puffy, bloodshot eyes, a headache the size of Texas, and an aching desire to be home.

The conversation with my mom the night before hadn’t exactly gone how I had wanted it to. After crying to her for what felt like an eternity but was probably only ten minutes, I finally choked out an abbreviated version of what was wrong. I told her about Jake and I told her about Josh and I told her how my nightmares had gone away but were back again. I told her how all the guys probably hated me now, but I couldn’t fix that because no one would listen to me, so now I was hopelessly alone in England and I just wanted to go home.

She had listened intently, giving the appropriate affirmations that she had been listening throughout, but when I finished she was quiet.

“Mom?” I questioned, hoping she hadn’t fallen asleep.

“Still here, baby.”

“Well?”

She sighed on the other end. “Well what sweetie? You can’t just abandon your father. You have a job to do. And besides, you only have what, another month? That’s not that long, Peyton.”

I remember pulling the phone away from my ear and staring at it in shock. Who was this woman claiming to be my mother? “You’re seriously not letting me come home, even after I just cried to you?” I said in shock.

“Hon, be realistic. What will running away do for you? The nightmares won’t magically go away just because you left England, and you still won’t have fixed things with any of the boys, which I think is what is bothering you the most.”

After talking to her for a little while longer, we finally hung up. I didn’t feel any better than I had before the call, which sucked. The whole reason I had called was so my mom would make me feel better, but it hadn’t worked.

So when I woke up the next morning and was reminded of this all, I felt terrible all over again.

The best thing about waking up was the fact that I didn’t have to go into work that morning. I decided to take a hot shower to try and wash away the terrible feeling I had, but it was to no avail. I got out and got dressed in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and my favorite hoodie before settling down with a cup of tea to watch some TV.

I still wasn’t familiar with English TV though, so I couldn’t find anything comforting to watch. I changed the channel one hundred times before throwing the remote down next to me in a huff.

I was restless. I was bored. I was lonely.

I almost decided to get dressed and go into work, but then I realized that would involve seeing Jake and I didn’t want to deal with that.

Just as I was almost giving up on everything to lay down to nap, an idea popped in my head.

The roof.

It would be the only place I could go that could hopefully calm my frazzled mind at least a little bit. So I grabbed my iPod and phone, slipped my slippers on, and left my flat. When I got up to the roof, I was ridiculously thankful that no one else was up there. I needed some time to myself to think, and if anyone had been up there I wouldn’t have been able to do that. Even worse, if anyone had been up there, it probably would have been Josh and I really didn’t need that.

I took a seat in the middle of the roof, completely oblivious to the fact that it was probably ridiculously dirty. I just didn’t care anymore.

I let my thoughts consume me as I stuck my headphones in my ears and turned my music up loud. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the palms of my hands, looking up at the sky.

I wasn’t alone long though.

My music was too loud, and I was spacing out too much to realize this though. I think if he hadn’t tapped my shoulder, I would have stayed oblivious for God only knows how long.

“Mind if I sit with you?” he asked quietly once I pulled my headphones out.

I nodded, sitting up and pulling my legs under myself to sit Indian style. Max sat down beside me and we were quiet for awhile. It was hard to think of words with the amount of awkward tension between us though.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you Peyton,” he said finally, which made me let out a sigh of relief. I could try my best to deal with whatever was going on with Josh and I, but having family mad, disappointed even, in you is a lot harder.

“I just wish someone would listen to me, Max. No ones listening and they’re picking sides and I’m sick of it. It’s barely been two days already and I feel like I’ve lost all of the friends I had here.”

Max sighed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. “You haven’t lost all of your friends, Peyton. It’s just all a little messy right now, y’know?”

I nodded, because boy, did I ever. It was a lot more than a little messy.

I was suddenly curious why Max was here in the first place, how he even knew I’d be up here. So I asked him.

“I heard you leave your flat and realized I needed to talk to you, so I came up with you.”

I quirked my eyebrow. “Realized you needed to talk to me? Why?”

He sighed again. “I know you didn’t sleep with Jake, Peyt.”

Confusion covered my face.”How?”

He laughed lightly. “I can just tell, I guess. And you told me you didn’t, so I kind of have to believe you, yeah?”

“I wish everyone believed me, though. Why won’t Josh listen? Why won’t he listen to anything I say? He thinks he can just storm into my flat, yell at me, break up with me, and leave? Does he honestly think that’s okay to do?”

I was getting fired up, and Max noticed. “Calm down, Peyt. First off, he’s Josh, and he has a hard time trustin’. You’re no exception, y’know? if anything, he wanted to trust you so badly but then all of a sudden he’s being told these things that are making him doubt that trust.” Max shrugged. “It’s not you, Peyton, honestly. It’s Josh and the shit he’s been through.”

I started to protest, to say that Josh wasn’t the only one who had it rough, but Max stopped me.

“I know, love. But tell me this. Does Josh know about any of that?”

I was silent.

Max had his answer.

“I’m not saying it’s your fault, but you can’t forget that fact.”

“This really, really fucking sucks Max,” I finally said, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Y’know, I tried to leave early. I called my mom last night and tried to get her to book me a flight home early, but it’s a no-go.”

Max nodded. “How much longer are you here for?”

“The end of July, then it’s home sweet Boston.” Suddenly I was unsure of when they’d be leaving, so I asked Max.

“Actually, end of June. Then we go home to Surrey for a month and head to the States at the end of July.”

I nodded. “For Warped right?”

He nodded as well. “Warped, and then we come home for a little bit and go back to the States for AP Tour.”

I laughed, but it wasn’t happy. It was sad, slightly pathetic, and overall humiliating. Max gave me a look, as if asking what I was laughing about, and I shook my head.

“I just think it’s funny that when I don’t want you guys there, you’re going to be in the States for God only knows how long. I feel like if I wanted you there, you’d have a tour in like, Japan or some crazy shit.”

Max pouted. “You don’t want us there?”

“You know what I mean,” I told him with a roll of my eyes.

He nodded. “I do. But just because you and Josh are all fucked up, doesn’t mean you don’t still have me and the guys.”

“For a couple more weeks,” I mumbled, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Better than nothing. And then you can come see us on Warped, yeah?” he asked, his voice full of hope.

I just laughed and nodded, even though I had no intentions of going to see them. I felt bad, because Max was my brother and the other guys were my friends. But with Josh and I nowhere near speaking terms, I felt like I was invading, like I wasn’t allowed to see them anymore than necessary.

That’s why I didn’t tell Max that once they left at the end of June and once I left at the end of July, I probably wouldn’t be seeing him again for a long time. I already had Josh hating my guts, I didn’t need Max upset too.

We sat on the roof for awhile, not saying anything. It was nice to have Max back again, even if I didn’t and maybe never would have Josh back. Maybe family is all I need? I told myself hopefully.

But we all knew that was a lie.