Be My Escape

I don’t know what’s worse: having to go to work where I no longer had friends, only enemies, or living in the same building as the guys who ripped your heart out, stomped on it, cut it up, and threw it away. I guess in reality, there was no competition. They both sucked equally.

My whole life was a mess.

For the next week, I did nothing but wake up, go to work, and come home. Occasionally, I went over to my dad’s place for dinner, or I went out with Max, but for the most part I did nothing.

Not only was my life a mess, it was a sad and pathetic one at that.

I tried though. I got things organized and I spent time with the only people who cared about me in England, and I tried not to cry. Boy, did I try not to cry. It felt like crying had become the only thing I was good at, which if that in itself wasn’t completely and totally pathetic, I’m not sure I knew what was.

The last weekend that Max and the guys were going to be in their flat, I tried to go out of my shell a little. The guys were going out for a celebratory dinner for having finished recording the record and they wanted me to come. Or rather, Max, Dan, Matt, and Chris wanted me to come. Josh still wanted nothing to do with me, and vice versa.

So I agreed. Why I did, I’ll never know. But I agreed, and was determined to have a good time.

When Max swung by my flat to pick me up, I was a nervous wreck; biting my nails, fidgeting, the whole nine yards.

It was bad enough that I had spent a million years trying to find the right things to wear. I ended up settling on a pair of skinnies, black ballet flats, and a lightweight black sweater with 3/4 length sleeves. It was nothing special, but it was comfortable and I liked the way the sweater fit me so I stuck with it.

I opened the door of my flat at quarter to seven, only to reveal Max in a button down flannel, jeans, and a beanie on his head. “Hi Max,” I greeted him, turning to grab my purse of the table in the hall.

“’ello love, ready to go?”

I merely nodded and followed him out into the hall, which was surprisingly empty. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked curiously as we made our way down the hall.

“They went to the restaurant to get a table. I figured we could meet them there.”

I smiled. He had done this for me so I wouldn’t have to see Josh anymore than necessary. “You really are the best,” I gushed, reaching out to hug him.

He just laughed. “I know, I know. Let’s go though, I’m starving.” And so we went.

My nerves didn’t get any better in the time it took us to walk to Wagamama’s. In fact, they may have gotten worse the closer to the restaurant we got. I tried to take deep breaths, but nothing really worked.

I think Max noticed, too. He kept looking at me, making sure I was still breathing, asking if I was okay, etc. The problem was, I couldn’t answer him because I had no fucking clue.

I stopped him when we were right outside the restaurant. “Just… give me a minute,” I told him.

He nodded, and so we stood there, me closing my eyes and breathing so I didn’t feel like I was going to collapse and him just standing there, an air or worry radiating from his every pore.

“Okay,” I finally said, and we ventured inside.

When we located out group at a table towards the back of the building, Max and I ventured towards it. “Just relax, love. He’s as big of a mess as you are,” Max said as we got closer.

I wasn’t sure how true that statement was, but I nodded and accepted it. There was no turning back now.

When we reached the table, everyone looked at me in shock. Or rather, everyone but Josh looked at me in shock. Josh had more anger in his eyes that practically had me shrinking under his harsh gaze. Max cleared his throat and gestured for me to sit next to Dan, which was the furthest seat from Josh and I thanked him with my eyes as he sat across from me.

Conversation at the table resumed while Dan turned to me with a smile. “We’ve missed you Peyt.”

I gave him a small smile in return and nodded. “Missed you guys too. I can’t believe you’re leaving Monday.”

He nodded. “I know, but then we’ll be in the States. So hopefully we can see you?”

I smiled and said, “Hopefully,” but we both knew I was lying.

When our waitress returned, the guys all ordered beer while I ordered a glass of water. “Oh come on Peyt! Celebrate a little will you?” Max scolded me, so I quickly changed my order to a beer as well. We ordered our food and then our waitress was off, leaving our table to try and make conversation again.

“Can’t believe we’ll be on Warped Tour in a month,” Matt said finally, to which the guys all agreed.

“I can’t believe we finished our second full-length,” Dan said from beside me.

I smiled. “That’s so exciting.” I didn’t think I had said anything too loudly, but apparently Josh had heard me. Maybe his ears were tuned into my voice and so he would have heard anything I said at any level.

Whatever it was, his head snapped up from the napkin he was ripping apart in front of him as he glared at me. “It’s easy to get a record written when you have backstabbing whores sneaking around every corner.”

It was harsh, and totally unnecessary. I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Matt, who was seated right next to Josh, voiced this thought. “Easy, mate,” he said to Josh.

Josh just rolled his eyes and fell back in his seat, staying silent for the rest of the dinner. Just because he was silent though doesn’t mean the tension went away at all. If anything, it rose with each passing second.

Other than that though, dinner went smoothly. I talked to Max and Dan and even Chris and Matt and just tried to ignore Josh and his pouty little self. It was his fault we were even in this position anyways, so I tried not to feel even an ounce of guilt.

When dinner was over, we all ventured back towards our flats. Unfortunately, it had started to rain and so we had to make a dash for our building so we didn’t get soaked.

Getting back, I realized something. I grabbed Max’s arm as everyone was filing into the flat and stopped him. “You guys are leaving in two days.”

He sighed. “Yeah, we are.”

I could feel the tears in my eyes as I reached out and hugged him. “We’ll have a formal goodbye tomorrow, okay?” I told him as I pulled back.

He sighed. “Some of the guys are heading out tomorrow since we have two cars and loads of shit to bring back.”

I frowned. “You being one of them?”

He shook his head. “Josh, Dan, and I are leaving Monday and Chris and Matt are going tomorrow.”

“Make them stop by before they do okay?”

He nodded before kissing my forehead. “G’night love.”

I smiled and said goodnight before going back into my own flat.

I quickly changed into a pair of sweats and a tee before making myself comfortable on the couch. I was watching some mindless TV program when I heard it.

A knock at my door.

Maybe I should have ignored it. Maybe I should have pretended I didn’t hear it and gone to bed instead. But it was the same as if I heard a phone ringing and tried to ignore it—it’d be impossible. The curiosity of whoever was on the other side would kill me.

When I got to the door, I peered through the peephole first. When I saw Josh staring back at me, I almost panicked. I kept it together though as I thought back to dinner tonight and how irritating he was and how angry the situation made me, and I thought to myself, why the hell not? as I opened the door.

“What do you want, Josh?” My voice was tired, just as I was. Mentally, physically, emotionally tired.

“You gone, in all honesty,” he said easily. It rolled off of his tongue as quickly as if he knew I was going to ask what he wanted, and as if that was honestly what he wanted most. It stung. A lot.

“Really?” I rolled my eyes. “You’re leaving in two days; don’t you think you can suffer through my existence for another measly 48 hours?”

“I don’t mean gone as in I want you out of England, although I suppose that’s true. I mean I want you gone in the sense that I want you out of my life and out of my head.”

I shook my head as I looked at my feet. “Goodbye Josh,” I said quietly as I started to close the door.

“No,” he said fiercely, sticking his hand out to stop me from shutting him out completely. It surprised me a little, which I guess is why my guard shut down for a split second so he could open the door and step inside. “We’re not finished.”

I don’t know what it was about the way he said it, but something in his voice made me snap. “What more do you want from me?” I yelled, practically in tears, as I threw my hands up in frustration. “You’ve taken a lot more than you realize, Josh, so what more could you possibly want?”

“I want you out of my fucking head, Peyton! I thought it’d be easy to forget about you because I’m the one who dumped you, but it’s so fucking hard. You’re always there!” he yelled right back.

“Well guess what?” I hissed. “This situation we’re in? It’s entirely your fault. So do not come crying to me because it’s hard. You don’t even know the definition of hard.” We were so close now, merely inches apart. I could pick out every color in Josh’s eyes, despite the angry way they were glaring at me just then.

It happened so fast, I wasn’t even sure if it was happening or not. We were both so angry, and so frustrated, and so… a million other things, all at once. I think our brains got confused for a minute and the wires got crossed and suddenly, our lips were on each other.

There was nothing sweet or romantic about it though. It was sloppy and rushed, panic-y and frustrating.

My hands instantly went to his hair, running through it and tugging it gently. His hands went to my face, cupping my cheeks gently while we went at it rather roughly.

Then, just as quickly as it started it was over. And Josh was back to being angry. His eyes were dark and he was pointing an accusing finger at me. “We’re done, Peyton. Stay out of my head, stay out of my life, and leave me alone.”

“Fuck you,” I uttered quietly as he still stood there, staring at me. It was like neither of us knew how to move.

He shook his head softly then and turned on his heel to leave.

For some reason, I had a feeling that was the last I’d be seeing of Josh for awhile.