Be My Escape

I had never experienced sleeping on something that was continuously moving throughout the night. I had also never experienced being in a bunk. It was a weird experience, that’s for sure. For one, our bus driver felt like he was practicing for a NASCAR race; he raced through town after town and sped over curves like he was invincible. I had to stiffen my legs so they held me in place because even though I was on a bottom bunk, I was afraid I was going to fall out.

The drive was only about seven hours, but since we had to be to the venue so early bus call was around midnight. After my run in with Josh and our impromptu make-out session, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I made my way back to the bus and found Max there with some others so he got me set up in one of the spare bunks, where I promptly collapsed in and fell asleep in mere minutes.

It wasn’t a long lived sleep.

I woke up when I felt the bus moving at what I thought was an unsafe speed, so I rolled out of the bunk and wrapped my arms around my middle. I quietly made my way out towards the front of the bus and sat on one of the couches, pulling my legs under me. I watched as the lights outside sped by and the stars in the sky shined brighter than I had seen in awhile.

The lights were lulling me asleep rather quickly, which was surprising. I couldn’t fall asleep in a horizontal position in an actual bed, but when I was sitting out in the front of the bus I could fall asleep in minutes.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice that I wasn’t alone anymore, at least not until they were sitting next to me. My eyes snapped open and I stared at Max with tired eyes. I smiled sleepily and said, “Hi.”

“You’re a mess, Peyt,” he said sympathetically. It wasn’t insulting; it was just him being concerned. It made me hurt that much more.

“I’m okay Max,” I said quietly, turning my head to look out at the darkness. I didn’t want to talk about how screwed up I was, I just wanted everything to be quiet.

He sighed and patted my knee. He didn’t say anymore for a few seconds and then dove right back in. “You aren’t, Peyt. You’re worse off than when you first arrived in England. It’s like because you met me and all the lads everything’s gotten worse for you.”

I shook my head adamantly. “That’s not true, Max. Things may be screwed up, but it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault really.” I laughed bitterly before adding, “Well that’s not true. I guess I can blame someone but still.”

“Did Josh say something to you today, Peyton?”

I shook my head. “It’s not exactly what he said that screwed me,” I muttered. “But rather, what he did. And what he stopped doing. And what he stopped feeling, apparently.” The last part came out only by me struggling, and even then it was choked up and I’m sure Max could hardly understand.

The tears started then. No huge sobs or anything drastic, just quiet whimpers that had me sounding extremely pathetic. Max pulled me close and wrapped his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but it was long enough. When I was finally all cried out, I sat up fully and pulled away, wiping the remaining tears off of my cheeks before uttering another, “I’m fine.”

Max wasn’t convinced, and rightfully so I suppose. He shook his head. “You aren’t fine. Will you be? Yeah. Are you fine now? No.” He rubbed my arms again comfortingly. “And is that fine? Of course it is, Peyt.”

He said no more as he got up to leave, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead and telling me to get some sleep.

***

That morning was incredibly hectic. The boys had another early morning set with press all afternoon. It was good for me because after enduring round two of their set, I got to head back to the bus to try and get some rest.

It was funny how easy it was to fall asleep when the bus wasn’t in motion. I’m not sure how long I was passed out in my bunk for, but long enough apparently.

When I woke up, Dan and Matt were sitting in the front lounge, playing Fifa on the Xbox. They were right at the end of a match, so I took a seat on the couch and watched in interest as Matt killed Dan’s team, and from the sounds of it it wasn’t the first time.

“Bullocks!” Dan muttered, setting the controller down in disgust. “I’m bloody horrible at this game, why do I try?”

I laughed and he turned to me then with a smirk on his face. “Have a nice rest Sleeping Beauty?”

Rolling my eyes, I smacked him on the shoulder. “What time is it?”

“Quarter to five, love.”

I laughed lightly before standing up and stretching. “Where’s Max?”

“Dunno,” Matt answered this time. “Try calling his mobile though, he’s probably out and about.”

I nodded before walking off the bus to go find him. I tried calling his phone but he didn’t answer, so I just wondered. It didn't take me very long to find him, luckily. He wasn't alone though, as expected. He was with Josh and as I rounded the corner into the catering tent, flashing the pass Max had given me as I went, I stopped short. I sat down at a table that was to their backs and tuned myself in to their conversation. I knew it was bad, but then I heard my name and there was no turning back.

"When is Peyton leavin'?"

"Tomorrow mornin', early. You can survive one more day, yeah?"

"It's not a matter of surviving, it's a matter of me not goin' insane alright?"

I heard Max chuckle before continuing. "She's tryin', mate. She really is."

"Not hard enough," Josh muttered. "This is nowhere as easy as gettin' over Beth. This is a completely different ballgame."

"Peyton's a completely different ballgame, mate. You know that. I also think you need to talk to her, but that's just me."

I couldn't hear Josh's response, but I was done listening anyways. Josh wanted to get over me. He didn't want to talk to me and he didn't want to hear what I had to say. He just wanted me gone. I could respect that. I would respect that, because even though Josh had hurt me I had hurt him too.

Because it wasn't about Jake. It wasn't about him believing I had slept with Jake when I hadn't. It was about all of the secrets I was keeping from him, the ones I couldn't tell him now even if I wanted to, because he wouldn't believe them even if he did stop hating me long enough to listen.

I left the catering tent then to go pack up my stuff. I needed to get back home.

***

The following morning once we arrived in St. Louis, I said my goodbyes to the guys (minus Josh, who didn't even bother to get out of his bunk). It was tearful, and I made sure to have them all promise to visit next time they were in Boston, and they made me promise to come back to England sometime soon.

After a few reassurances that I was going to be fine from the guys, Max and I climbed in the taxi waiting outside of the amphitheater for us and we were off.

"I can't believe you're going," he said sadly.

I just nodded. "I know. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was going out to breakfast with you and my father."

Max chuckled. "We've had a good time though, yeah?"

I looked at him with a smile. "Yeah, we have. A rough time during some of it, but a really fucking great time for the most part."

He smiled and hugged me and we were quiet for the rest of the drive.

When we got to the airport, Max couldn't go in very far with me due to all of the security. So we decided to just say our goodbyes by the taxi to save time.

"You're goin' to be fine, Peyton," he reassured me once again. "You'll get everything back in order and it'll all be fine."

I smiled weakly. "I hope you're right, Max."

We hugged again and he kissed my forehead. "You'll call me yeah? I don't want you dropping off the face of the earth. You're my sister, step or not, and I love you. I'm going to want to check on you."

"I know Max, and I will," I laughed with tears in my eyes. "Keep an eye on everyone Max. Emmy, your mom, my dad, the guys... just, watch out for them for me okay?"

He nodded, knowing what I was getting at.

Josh.

"He'll be fine Peyton."

"That's what I'm worried about," I muttered under my breath. "Just, let me know how things go, how this tour goes. And I want a copy of that CD as soon as you can get me one!" i demanded, pointing a finger at his chest so he knew I meant business.

He laughed but nodded. "Promise."

"To all of it?"

"Every single word, love."

We hugged again before I knew I had to leave. "I'll call you when I get to Boston, alright?"

"I love you Peyton."

I smiled. "Love you too Max." And then I left, because if I didn't walk away then I never would.

As I was walking through the airport towards check in, I thought back over the past few months. Yes, things were rough--between Jake and Josh and everything in-between--but it was also great, too. I met my step-brother and half-sister. I got to spend time with my dad. I got some work experience. I gained friends that mean the world to me.

And as I was getting my boarding pass and heading off to security, I realized that even if Josh hated me right now and even if it absolutely killed to think about him, and even if I still had intense feelings for him, I knew that meeting him was important too. Because for a little while, I no longer felt guilty about Amanda's death. For a little while, Josh made the bad go away.

That meant more to me than he would ever know.

After I went through security and once I finally boarded my plane in Aisle 22, seat A which was the window seat, I stared out at the morning sky and realized I was going home.

It was time to face reality again, and this time there was no escaping it. I just hoped I was going to be as okay as everyone claimed I would be.

"Welcome passengers to Flight 389 to Boston, Massachusetts. This is flight attendant Allison speaking. Please direct your attention to the front of the aircraft and pay close attention to the following procedures before we take-off so we have a safe and happy flight."