Remember Last Knight

&knight

I’ve never been good with tears. It’s not because I have a Y chromosome, either. Mom and Julie always taught me it was okay to let out frustration and pain through tears, rather than causing harm to someone else. I hate the noise that crying makes. True, real crying… I hate the breaking sound of someone that it makes, and I hate how it breaks me.

I hate how right now, I’m breaking.

I was coming back to check on Elle, about ten minutes after talking to her last. Breakfast was sitting on the table. I had just taken my first step up the landing when I heard the wail. I looked back into the kitchen, where Allison and Julie were setting the table, going on with what they were doing, not hearing the noise over the morning radio.

I took the steps two at a time. I knocked my shoulder against the wall opposite of the guest room, listening for noises similar to those I had just heard. I heard a squeak and a few heavy breaths, but the noises were quieter than before. I pressed my ear to the door, closing my eyes, willing my ears to do their job. That was it. There it was.

There was choking, and sobbing. There were heavy breaths and a struggle for air. Then, somewhere between those noises, there was Elle.

“If you don’t pull yourself together, damn it… who the fuck do you think you are… there is… there has been t-t-t-too much… you can’t-t-t-t… Elle Rogers. Elle Rogers, I swear. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this. Pull yourself together, you fucking baby. Pull yourself together.”

I was amazed at how level her voice sounded now. She went quiet. There was no noise. I could barely hear her slight breathing now. My hands were pressed against the door, flat. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t walk.

Thank God, Julie came for me. Well, for Elle.

I whispered to her, slowly taking my hands from the wood of the door. I didn’t say much – I didn’t know much – just that Elle was alone, crying, and that I didn’t know what to do.

“Go downstairs,” she said to me. I nodded, and she waited until I was at the landing to knock.

&elle

I pull the covers around me; gather them about my legs and waist, brush at my eyes and comb through my hair with my fingers. I clear my throat as quietly as I can, before fighting the scratch in my throat and calling out, “Come in.”

I don’t know who to expect. A part of me figured Knight was back, irritated because I wasn’t downstairs eating. Or maybe it was his biological mother, Allison. For some reason, I just didn’t expect it to be Julie who slipped inside this beige room to talk to me.

After stepping inside, Julie sent me a small smile. When I didn’t return it, she nodded her head once, then twice, smoothing her hands down the denim of her jeans. Then, slowly, she stepped forward and took a seat by my curled legs. “Elle,” she murmured, opening her mouth to say something else, but I was done.

She had said my name so nicely, so sweetly. Like a mother. Tenderly and sweetly and kindly. My name broke the gates open, and I fumbled to hold onto her as she wrapped her arms around me. I didn’t have time to beat myself up, between the steady soothing noises she was making and her fingers brushing through my hair, I felt my lungs calming themselves as my sobbing and tears subsided.

“I’m sorry,” I choked to Julie, who just smiled and chuckled at my apology.

“No, honey, no,” She pulled my face up, forcing me to look her in the face, as she smoothed the hair on the top of my head, “Don’t be sorry. Crying is good. Crying is the release of feelings and pain and so many emotions… if you don’t release them, you’ll explode.” It was quiet as I took slow breaths, Julie squeezing the fingers of my hands in hers. “Kind of like birds that eat rice… they take too much bad stuff in and can’t let it out. But we can. Don’t be afraid to let it out.”

I chuckled some at this, wiping at my eyes. “Do you need to talk about it?”

I stopped running my hands over my face, looking at Julie. Did I need to talk about it? No, not about Louis, not really, not now, but about everything else? I needed a release. I’d been trying for that last night, and that didn’t work out as I had planned… The pressure had deflated some, but when Knight had told me about Louis, well… there had still too much, and I popped.

I shook my head, looking down. Julie didn’t say another word. She just reached out for me again, holding me against her, and then when she pulled away and stood up, she made sure to pull me with her. She gave me a few minutes alone in the bathroom to clean up, but aside from that – well, it was breakfast time.

**

Breakfast was good. It consisted of Elle’s favorite fruit, oranges, which she took the liberty of peeling and eating two, while also taking a nibble at delicious blueberry pancakes that Allison had made.

“So, how is it that you know Knight, Elle? Do you go to the same school, or…” Allison started, leaving off for Elle to begin.

“Um, well…” Elle looked to Knight, who was smirking as he took a rather large bite of pancake. “We met at a party, you see... and I’m not really into parties much, and I needed a ride home, because the group of my brother’s friends who I’d ridden with had disappeared, and your son, here, he uh… he started talking with me, and then, well…”

“She punched me. Yeah, I know, I told you I got knocked breaking up a little fight that night, but really, it was this little thing.”

“What’d you do to her?” Julie asked, staring at him, mouth slightly agape.

“Nothing, I swear. She just… hit me.”

“I have a little temper,” I admitted. I pushed the rest of my pancake around on my plate, through the syrup. “I’ve been controlling it, but I just got really upset at the party because I didn’t want to be there and… I just got frustrated. I took it out on Knight, who I barely knew.”

She looked at Knight, who wasn’t laughing now… instead, he was staring at her, eyes focused, looking as if he was slightly confused, but also coming to a realization. Elle bit her lip, taking a long sip of her orange juice.

“Yeah, she says she doesn’t like parties or anything, but she could have fooled me last night,” Knight said, dropping his fork to his plate. His voice was hard, and Elle was afraid where this was going. “She was definitely the center of attention, for some time, talking to a large group, and then, when that changed, she had to go and get into a little dispute with a girl in my class…”

“Knight,” Allison said, her voice trimming on an edge I’d never heard before.

“… ‘causing trouble when she had no right, no place at that party, since it was a graduation for my school-”

“Knight Daniel Harvey,” Allison said again, and this time, he finally pulled his eyes from my face. He nodded, once, excused himself, and left from the table and the room before anyone could say another word.

**

I was getting ready to leave, and Allison and Julie were bidding me goodbye.

“So, if you ever need anyone to talk to… or just a shoulder to cry on, or someone to hold you, or whatever… don’t hesitate to come for me or Allison. Don’t hesitate for a second. You don’t have to explain what’s wrong, and we won’t ask – that’s yours to know and yours to share.” Allison nodded beside her, both of them holding one of my chilled hands. “If neither of us happen to be available, or close, Knight’s always been a strong shoulder… even if he doesn’t seem like it sometimes. I am sorry about how he treated you at breakfast, we both are. We’ve taught him better than that, honestly. He’s just in a funk. But like I said, we always say he’s got a heavy armor, like a knight… if you ever need someone. ” I nodded at both of them, letting them squeeze my hands and kiss my cheeks before they ushered me out of the door so I could finally get home.

Sadly, the time between leaving this house and getting to my own meant about fifteen minutes alone with a certain boy named Knight, who at this particular moment, did not like me.

&knight

I exploded at breakfast. I didn’t mean, too, honestly. Elle was lying. Well, not lying, but she wasn’t telling the truth. Not to me, and certainly not my parents. Not that they needed to know, but me? I sure as hell should be authorized to get some kind of information. I’ve known Elle for a little over two weeks, and both times I’ve seen her, I’ve done some shit for her that I wouldn’t normally do. Damn it, whose car got her home after she punched me in the face? Who saved her from embarrassing herself and possibly having a breakdown last night? Who took her somewhere where she wouldn’t be asked questions, where she could get a good night’s rest without questions, where she could maybe possibly somehow chill out? Oh, and please tell me what I was getting out of this – a vomiting, crying girl who was making my emotions go haywire, one second making me sad for her and the next forcing me to go to my room to write this so I won’t lose my head. I need an explanation of some sort, and I need it now – otherwise, I’m done. Time for a little car ride.