Remember Last Knight

&elle

I want to laugh. I really, really do. I want to laugh, and I want to hit something, and even though I’ve just returned from an hour long run around the neighborhood, I want to run.

In other words, it wasn’t my time to return home.

Stacy is here. She’s my probation worker, and also the woman my father is cheating on my mother with. Imagine entering my kitchen, walking on this scene: Everyone is seated around the table, which is set with a ham, mashed potatoes, corn and peas. Mom and Dad are sitting across from each other at the ends of the table, like normal. Ayden is sitting in his normal seat, Stacy in mine. Conversation is flowing quite nicely, it seems, until it goes quiet, because they’re talking about me.

I look to Ayden. He’s not acting very aware. He’s mostly blanked, eating his food quietly even after everyone else has looked up at me. He probably bit back on some vodka before dinner, since I wasn’t here. This was hard for him. We knew. We all knew; Dad is cheating on mom with my probation worker, and Mom is cheating on Dad with some man she met at counseling for parents of misbehaving teens. See what I said? If it wasn’t for me, my parents’ marriage would be golden.

“Elle,” my mom says, I can see, as I watch her mouth form around my name, but it’s not her voice that I hear. Stacy’s is louder, and she is standing up and motioning for me to sit in the open seat next to her. I don’t want to. I ignore the immediate impulse to turn and leave out the door I entered through. Instead, I do as I’m told, running a hand across Ayden’s back and squeezing his shoulder as I walk by. I sit down, and he’s looking at me. I nod once, and he shakes his head, and then looks down. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.

I’m allowed to fill my plate (the food is still warm) and take a few bites before the silence is filled again with Stacy’s loud voice. I want to gag myself. Before my Dad started sleeping around with her, I found her voice very comforting. She seemed like a nice woman, very pretty and strong minded, who genuinely seemed to be interested and willing to help me. Y’know, until she started fucking my father.
“Your mother says that you’ve been acting strangely lately,” Stacy says, and I know she’s looking at both of them in turn, before she turns to me, her voice even louder now in my ears. “Is this right? They think you might be going down the road of trouble again…”

I continue to eat slowly, only listening. Only holding one hand under myself, gripping the seat of the chair, willing myself not to get up and run, and willing myself not to stab Stacy with the fork that was currently stabbing a piece of ham.

“They told me that when your senior year was closing you started not coming home right after school, which was unusual, and that you would disappear for hours without your car. Then, last night when you didn’t come home, well they thought maybe that was it, that was the last straw and you had gone off and did something you weren’t supposed to.”

Now, I can’t take it. I can’t. I’m laughing now; mechanically, evenly, harshly. I’m choking out these hardee-har-hars, dropping my fork and looking up at them, at all of them.

“That’s really funny. So fucking funny, y’know, seeing as neither of them are ever home. Because I know last weekend, they didn’t come home Friday evening at all and didn’t until Sunday. I know for a fact that my father here was with you, like he always is, like his family isn’t important enough. Oh, and my mom here? Well, who knows who she was with. She was just off, not caring that she has two children at all, like the great mom she is. So, y’know, why is it such a worry that I didn’t come home one night? Hmmm? Is everyone afraid that I’m gonna go screw up?

“Well, it shouldn’t matter, because if I do, it’s not on any of you anymore! I turn 18 soon, and then I’ll be no problem. I’ll go to jail, and you can have my Dad for yourself, Mom can find her little man toy, and Ayden will just have to fend for himself. Great right? We’re a great family, fantastic! I can’t believe you even have the nerve to worry about me when all this other shit is going on! For all the shit I’ve messed up, I should just be backlisted and banished from this whole fucking state, and we’ll all be done. Ooh, I saw that spark. You’d want that, right? Okay, I can go. I can be gone by morning. You’d call the cops, though, each and every one of you, like I actually matter.”

I stand up, push my chair back, and make my way back to the hall. I grab my brother’s arm, raise an eyebrow. He stands without hesitation, and I guide him in front of me, pushing him toward the stairs. I turn back to them. Stacy’s standing now, phone in hand, and I know she’s ready to call an officer on me – she always was. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not causing any trouble. But honestly, next time, don’t drag little miss into this, alright? You’re doing great with those parenting skills, really taking us by our necks and enforcing yourselves as adults. Nice going.”

**

Sleeping bags? Check. Bags packed? Check. Shoes lined up and ready to slip into at any moment? Check.

The window to my room is open wide. Ayden and I are sitting out on the roof, talking, passing a bottle between the two of us. Inside, my door is locked, and we’re camping out in my room, ready to leave for real camping if necessary.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to start.

“I’m sorry,” I said to him. We were sitting close to each other, shoulders bumping, legs stretched out in front of us. He was out of his fuzz now. I felt him shake his head beside me, shake his body.

“No, Elle,” I turn my head to him slightly. “Don’t say that. Mom and Dad… you know they would have done something like this without you. It would have been someone else. Dad would be with some other woman other than Stacy, but it still would have happened. Fuck, it doesn’t even matter to me. They were never that great at being parents anyway, they were only good at reproducing.”

I chuckle, smiling at him. He’s smiling back, taking a drink.

“Why don’t you blame me?” I ask quietly a few seconds later. I ignore that this conversation is somewhat like one I had early today.

“I can’t blame you. I mean, sure you fucked up, but you’re the only one who’s been around for me. They’ve went and dropped off the planet, but you’re still here. You messed up, but you didn’t let your mess up become a mess. I can’t blame you, and I can’t hate you.

“I love you, sis.”

“I love you, Ayden.” Then I reach out, grabbing his hand. Squeeze once. He squeezes back twice. I smile, laugh, lean into his shoulder.

We’re all packed. We’re all ready to go. Two drops of bags and a climb down the tree branches, we’d be on the ground, near my car, where we could go anywhere, everywhere, away.

We won’t leave. We never will. We could, we just don’t know how.