Remember Last Knight

&elle

When I found my way back to the pool, the group I had been with had tripled in size. The in-ground pool was full to the max, it seemed, as people splashed and screamed and laughed with one another. I settled for a place on the edge of the pool where I could sit on the concrete and drink my beer and just mull over the scene that was my life right now.

Or, the right now that was separate from my real life.

&knight

I wasn’t having fun.

I wasn’t feeling any emotion, really. I was sitting on the patio steps, where she had left me, chasing my beer down with a cheeseburger. Andy’s sitting on my right, doing the same.

“What’s up with you?” he asks, and not too late. He’s my best friend, if you could say I have one of those, and when I can’t feel my own discomfort, he can.

“I’m not sure.” I’m really not. Andy’s not convinced.

“Well, just, uh… chill out. I mean, figure it out. Y’know. Don’t go fucking with nothing and nobody.”

I laughed. I choked. “Can do.”

&elle

I used to drink, a long time ago. I started drinking when I started going out with my first boyfriend. He was older than me, by a year and a half. He liked to drink, so I did too. He also liked to treat me like shit, get high, and cheat on me. We started dating halfway through my freshman year, around October, and we broke up in the Spring. He had hit me once, which left him with a black eye. That black eye only landed me a handprint on my thigh, where he’d grabbed and squeezed. That and an ugly, purple bruise to my stomach.

Finally, though, I had caught him. Louis was a cheater. Louis was the messiest cheater. He hooked up with girls who liked to talk, and who would talk and talk and talk until the news of his messing around became news to me. I called it off. I told him to never look at me again, never speak to me again, and that if he ever touched me again, I’d have his head for the marks he’d caused me. I was done.

Until those girls, the same group of friends who had hooked up with Louis started talking. They didn’t care that they’d all practically swapped spit and God knows what else with Louis, they didn’t care about the reputation they had as whores and sluts; they didn’t care about any of that. They cared about making me feel like complete and utter shit for throwing away such a great guy.

Oh, please. Oh, please God. Spare me.

I meant to throw the first punch. I honestly did. I planned it all out, in my head, before I acted. It felt good. It was the last girl, the one I had actually caught him with. It felt good. Too good.

I didn’t break them because they broke Louis and I’s relationship. I broke them because they broke me.

I now remember why I quit drinking so much, and then all together. It’s easier. It’s not messy. Oh, and because I’m an emotional drunk who uses her fists more than her words.

&knight

Andy’s got me up again.

Smoke between my lips.

I’ve cut myself off for now, probably for the best.

I’m looking around with Andy, and he’s saying something about someone, somewhere, but I’m not listening.

Maybe I’m not back.

I see her. I hear her. It’s not pretty.

I don’t know what’s happened, but some broad is beginning to raise her voice, yell even, and Elle’s standing there. Face red, arms shaking. Her jacket is hung around her shoulders, falling to her elbows, and her head is pointed up to the sky. She’s struggling. She is. I can see it, oh can I see it.

That’s what Andy’s been talking about.

I hurry over, pushing myself into this little mess. I can hear the argument now.

“… haven’t seen you since what? Freshman year? Moved schools, right? That was easier than a real record? Move schools, never talk to us ever again, do a little bit of work, clean trash off the sides of the roads? Are you better now, Ellie? Is life perfect for you now? Tell me, where’s what’s his face? Was it worth it? Was it worth breaking my nose? Huh, I just want to know..”

I grab for her. For Elle. She’s shaking, still. It’s hard to believe how hard she’s shaking, how completely hot her skin is.

“Get me out of here,” she whispers.

“Okay. Okay. C’mon.” I step in front of her, bend closer, listen.

“I’m going to hit her. I can’t do this. I can’t… I can’t…I’m going to puke. I’m going to get sick. I’… I’m going to hit her. Get me out of here now, please, please. I—I can’t do that again. Please, Knight. Get me out of here.” I’m holding both of Elle’s hands in mine, holding them up. Tight fists, red hot, shaking like an earthquake.

“We’re going. We’re going now.” It’s hard to get her to start to move, for her to take that first step. After that, though, she’s walking fast and hard toward the fence gate.

“What you doin’, Elle? Huh, what’s making you run now?”

“Fuck off,” I look back at the girl. She’s smirking, as if she’s something. “Grow the fuck up, bitch.”

Elle’s pulling me with her, as she runs, but I see the disgust and anger and hatred cross the bitchface of the Queen Bitch.

Ace.

I hurry with Elle, to the front yard, forgetting about Andy and the people and what I came for.