Bliss
Bliss
She knew she was going to die. She was only 15, her birthday in exactly 61 days, 22 hours, 42 minutes, and 50 seconds. She laid in bed, her fading auburn hair curling around her face, her legs curled and her arms under her pillow supporting her head. Icy tears made their way down her emotionless face. Her eyes shut, the tears flowing from her right eye tickling her nose as they made their way down to her ear. She sat up and wiped away the tears, her eyes still closed as Avenged Sevenfold's, M. Shadows beautiful voice came through her pink headphones that were nicely placed in her left ear, singing the words to one of her favorite songs, Brompton Cocktail.
Little goosebumps appeared across her skin as she sat upright enjoying the feel of her fan blowing on her exposed skin. She was living in nightmare that never seemed to end. She ran and ran but never got further away from it. Her dark brown eyes fluttered open, she stared at her hands as her tears still flowed freely on to her fingers. She glanced at the clock, it was four in the morning, she couldn't sleep. Too much ran through her head. All her thoughts jumbled into one giving her a headache. She realized she was getting no where in life. She was still a depressed young woman who wanted more than nothing to just end her life.
She doesn't know why she's trying, why she keeps breathing. Maybe she doesn't want to die by her own hands, maybe she doesn't want to die with a selfish bone in her body. Whatever it was, it was keeping her alive. She could feel herself wasting away, her body decomposing as she sat there never once taking her eyes off of the tears that rolled down her fingers and onto the blood red sheets she slept on every night. She was so young, so why did she know that there was no point in ever trying? Everyone she knew or loved would eventually die. She would eventually die, sooner rather than later, she thought.
She has been running on empty for years now, she just wants the pain to go away. She lifted her head up a little, the mirror off to the side of the room caught her motion and her eyes caught her reflection. She stared back at herself, trying to decipher the look in her own eyes. The look of pain, suffering, and emptiness did not surprise her. Her eyes were pitch black by now, the once lively light brown they held during the day when she pretended to be happy so she wouldn't be sent back to a counselor wasn't there anymore. She hated pretending, but having to talk to her mother about her problems was always the hardest thing to do. She could talk to other people about them, but when her mother tried, she couldn't.
She turned away the mirror, she couldn't stand looking at herself while she cried. Showing tears had always been a thing she hadn't liked, she rather liked staying bottled up. She couldn't bear having someone else see her cry, let alone herself. Her mind wandered to her father like it did many nights before. She hadn't seen him in almost two years. She hadn't heard his voice in a few months, his phone calls becoming less and less frequent, thankfully. Although it led her to wonder, why they did. Is it because he was dead, or just in a place with no service or no phone? She used to think about that a lot, would they ever receive a phone call letting them know that the sperm donor that had abused his eight children was dead? Probably not. Her head laid back on the soft white pillow she had, her arms hugging her body, trying to keep herself together. The tears she had before died down and her body was now numb to everything. The music still played in her ears, songs changing before she could realize it.
She could feel herself getting close to sleep, the thought of cutting in the back of her head. She just wanted the pain to go away she thought. She thought about how easy it would be to wake up tomorrow take a scolding hot shower and slice her stomach or wrist and watch the blood flow from her body. How much relief would wash over her body as she forgot about the pain inside and focused on the new pain she had created. She thought about how easy it would be to take her own life. How easy it would be to stop living. But she would never do that to her friends, she knew what it was like to lose someone so important to you, someone who you truly loved with all your heart. She knew the pain all too well. If she had to live with that pain everyday she would, just to keep her friends from knowing what that pain felt like. Her small, boney fingers clutched at the thin sheet that covered her shaking body. She bit her lip and closed her eyes tighter, ruining the peaceful look that covers everyones faces as they sleep. Her heart hurt, her head ached, her mind jumbled, her body numb. But, that's how she liked it, not feeling anything, it was bliss in her eyes.
Little goosebumps appeared across her skin as she sat upright enjoying the feel of her fan blowing on her exposed skin. She was living in nightmare that never seemed to end. She ran and ran but never got further away from it. Her dark brown eyes fluttered open, she stared at her hands as her tears still flowed freely on to her fingers. She glanced at the clock, it was four in the morning, she couldn't sleep. Too much ran through her head. All her thoughts jumbled into one giving her a headache. She realized she was getting no where in life. She was still a depressed young woman who wanted more than nothing to just end her life.
She doesn't know why she's trying, why she keeps breathing. Maybe she doesn't want to die by her own hands, maybe she doesn't want to die with a selfish bone in her body. Whatever it was, it was keeping her alive. She could feel herself wasting away, her body decomposing as she sat there never once taking her eyes off of the tears that rolled down her fingers and onto the blood red sheets she slept on every night. She was so young, so why did she know that there was no point in ever trying? Everyone she knew or loved would eventually die. She would eventually die, sooner rather than later, she thought.
She has been running on empty for years now, she just wants the pain to go away. She lifted her head up a little, the mirror off to the side of the room caught her motion and her eyes caught her reflection. She stared back at herself, trying to decipher the look in her own eyes. The look of pain, suffering, and emptiness did not surprise her. Her eyes were pitch black by now, the once lively light brown they held during the day when she pretended to be happy so she wouldn't be sent back to a counselor wasn't there anymore. She hated pretending, but having to talk to her mother about her problems was always the hardest thing to do. She could talk to other people about them, but when her mother tried, she couldn't.
She turned away the mirror, she couldn't stand looking at herself while she cried. Showing tears had always been a thing she hadn't liked, she rather liked staying bottled up. She couldn't bear having someone else see her cry, let alone herself. Her mind wandered to her father like it did many nights before. She hadn't seen him in almost two years. She hadn't heard his voice in a few months, his phone calls becoming less and less frequent, thankfully. Although it led her to wonder, why they did. Is it because he was dead, or just in a place with no service or no phone? She used to think about that a lot, would they ever receive a phone call letting them know that the sperm donor that had abused his eight children was dead? Probably not. Her head laid back on the soft white pillow she had, her arms hugging her body, trying to keep herself together. The tears she had before died down and her body was now numb to everything. The music still played in her ears, songs changing before she could realize it.
She could feel herself getting close to sleep, the thought of cutting in the back of her head. She just wanted the pain to go away she thought. She thought about how easy it would be to wake up tomorrow take a scolding hot shower and slice her stomach or wrist and watch the blood flow from her body. How much relief would wash over her body as she forgot about the pain inside and focused on the new pain she had created. She thought about how easy it would be to take her own life. How easy it would be to stop living. But she would never do that to her friends, she knew what it was like to lose someone so important to you, someone who you truly loved with all your heart. She knew the pain all too well. If she had to live with that pain everyday she would, just to keep her friends from knowing what that pain felt like. Her small, boney fingers clutched at the thin sheet that covered her shaking body. She bit her lip and closed her eyes tighter, ruining the peaceful look that covers everyones faces as they sleep. Her heart hurt, her head ached, her mind jumbled, her body numb. But, that's how she liked it, not feeling anything, it was bliss in her eyes.
♠ ♠ ♠
</3