Dear Diary
Why?
Dear Diary,
Why?
Why do parents have to be so brutal towards their child's feelings? They do not understand that it's not always about gender, but about how people bond. How they make each other feel and interact. It's not always optional on whom or what they love. Or even how they express that love. Sometimes Diary, I am so confused on everything, because my parents do not even act like they love each other. But it's not okay for me to even embrace someone so different from me. Either it be social status, race, religion or even the same gender as me.
For years my father has driven down political views and religion down into my head. Making no room for me to even think for myself. Not to even understand why every female relationship I had has failed. Football, soccer and all the school's sport were right up there with grades. It suffocated me. Like I was drowning in a pool of standards, and I just cannot surface.
I was the best, the best athlete, student and son. I was everything a father could want for their son. Something that separated me from 'average' society. But one thing. It was a secret I held for years. Until Steve came into my life. He made my life feel as if a door was open, something new to explore. A path to follow. Steve taught me all those curious looks I stole from my team mates did not mean I was a monster, or even a freak. I was homosexual, and it scared me to death. In Church it was preached how even those little thoughts could be enough to meet Satan. Even a Christian boy like me could not be cast down into hell because I rather have the company of a male than female, or could it?
Today, I was cast down into the lowest pits of Hades. To burn in guilt and worry for the rest of this pathetic life. Diary, I lost Steve today. And I do not know what to do, what to think or feel. It's a blur of emotions, all numbing me to my core. Maybe that was a good thing. I do not believe someone can live though their soul being ripped in half.
It started like any other ordinary morning, stripped down until nothing than my boxers I watched from my bed out the window. Steve always came to my window in the morning, no matter what. His white teeth would shine, causing his light blond curls to contrast against that beautiful tan skin of his. I held my drool stained pillow against my chest as my heart raced in anxiety. The house was silent, the heart beat hounding so loud inside I wondered if the neighbors could hear it.
It was nerve racking waiting for Steve. My parents had no clue about him, they did not even know I had friends such like him. To them I lived in my books, to study and practice sports constantly. Little did they know over half of those nights 'practicing' was really movies or mini golf with Steve.
At last his body appeared and everything inside me illuminated. I had patted the empty spot next to me for him to come in. The window was always opened for him. Steve climbed in, his masculine smile apparent behind the thick hood he wore. The Autumn air sent chills down my spine as it rushed into my room. Goose bumps rose, I did not know it was only from the chill, or the sight of him.
As silently as possible Steve sexily started to take off his jacket. I hoped for a strip tease, our relationship finally going into that step two months ago. The best time of my life, I might add. Shaking his finger he stopped himself from his pants and just curled up along side of me. It would not matter to me if the world had ended right there and everything went into chaos. I was with Steve, the only love of my life. His muscular arms wrapped around my firm torso as I stuck my face into his hair. Breathing in the heavenly scent from his strawberry shampoo.
The thoughts are enough to make my cry, it was just one moment. One tiny moment of embrace that even parents give their children. A loved one to a loved one. Not a single kiss we shared, we did not need to. Ours souls were together just by that embrace.
It did not seem but a few blissful moments when my door knob turned and opened the door. Right to the demons themselves, fire in their eyes as they saw their only son with a man. Someone who was not like them, a stranger in more ways than the obvious. Like they saw hell for the first time, my became frightened, then angry. I recognized the look, my first reaction was to hold on to Steve for dear life. My father reached out and took a fist full of my dark hair. The pain shot down into my toes as he pulled. Steve's face was shoved away from me with my father's with his free hand. He pulled again, pulling me off the bed as Steve tried to help. Before he could get a hold of me I was flung into the marble walkway, I hit face first. I only could wished that was it. The pain agonizingly, as my blood cells scrambled to the cut.
I was wrong, it could be much worse. My forehead still stings and my scalp is still bleeding. But that do not even compare on how I feel inside.
Steve was taken, as calmly as my father could. The seconds felt like hours as my father, my own flesh and blood, had the man I loved up in the air by this throat. I remember shrieking and crying as my mother watched from the stairs. Her expression ice cold, extinct. No longer did she care for me, that much was clear.
My father exclaimed how Steve was going to burn just by looking at me. How I was the worst possible son in the world. He dropped Steve at that moment and stared at him. Saying these few words, "if you have any feeling for my son as you say you do, you will never see him, speak to him or even touch him again. Or I will find you." The look in his eye was so damaging that my stomach dropped. Steve took a look at me, tears in his eyes. Then nodded.
Time froze, all I saw was Steve too frightened to look into the devil's eyes. My heart pounded into my ribs as my body finally started to realized what that nod meant. I ran away to the only place I knew, under my bedroom window. It was all gone, everything. All I could do was stare at Steve's jacket. My father's last words will race though my mind, "you will thank for me one day" as I ran. Knowing that, I cried.
Hours later the tears never did dry up. I thought long and hard on what to do. Why Steve never came back. I had to write it down, maybe then my parents could understand. Why they will never get their son back after what they did. It may seem irrational, but it's all I had.
I will not thank anyone for anything. Every hope, dream, and desire was gone. You see Diary, because I cannot possible continue without something true in my life. Something to balance all this chaos and horror. Cannot live without it, without Steve.
My last entry, 11/24- Adam.
PS. If you are reading this I assume you found my body. Tell Steve he can keep my Diary. Everything he is to me is throughout these pages. I love you more than life Steve. Goodbye.
Why?
Why do parents have to be so brutal towards their child's feelings? They do not understand that it's not always about gender, but about how people bond. How they make each other feel and interact. It's not always optional on whom or what they love. Or even how they express that love. Sometimes Diary, I am so confused on everything, because my parents do not even act like they love each other. But it's not okay for me to even embrace someone so different from me. Either it be social status, race, religion or even the same gender as me.
For years my father has driven down political views and religion down into my head. Making no room for me to even think for myself. Not to even understand why every female relationship I had has failed. Football, soccer and all the school's sport were right up there with grades. It suffocated me. Like I was drowning in a pool of standards, and I just cannot surface.
I was the best, the best athlete, student and son. I was everything a father could want for their son. Something that separated me from 'average' society. But one thing. It was a secret I held for years. Until Steve came into my life. He made my life feel as if a door was open, something new to explore. A path to follow. Steve taught me all those curious looks I stole from my team mates did not mean I was a monster, or even a freak. I was homosexual, and it scared me to death. In Church it was preached how even those little thoughts could be enough to meet Satan. Even a Christian boy like me could not be cast down into hell because I rather have the company of a male than female, or could it?
Today, I was cast down into the lowest pits of Hades. To burn in guilt and worry for the rest of this pathetic life. Diary, I lost Steve today. And I do not know what to do, what to think or feel. It's a blur of emotions, all numbing me to my core. Maybe that was a good thing. I do not believe someone can live though their soul being ripped in half.
It started like any other ordinary morning, stripped down until nothing than my boxers I watched from my bed out the window. Steve always came to my window in the morning, no matter what. His white teeth would shine, causing his light blond curls to contrast against that beautiful tan skin of his. I held my drool stained pillow against my chest as my heart raced in anxiety. The house was silent, the heart beat hounding so loud inside I wondered if the neighbors could hear it.
It was nerve racking waiting for Steve. My parents had no clue about him, they did not even know I had friends such like him. To them I lived in my books, to study and practice sports constantly. Little did they know over half of those nights 'practicing' was really movies or mini golf with Steve.
At last his body appeared and everything inside me illuminated. I had patted the empty spot next to me for him to come in. The window was always opened for him. Steve climbed in, his masculine smile apparent behind the thick hood he wore. The Autumn air sent chills down my spine as it rushed into my room. Goose bumps rose, I did not know it was only from the chill, or the sight of him.
As silently as possible Steve sexily started to take off his jacket. I hoped for a strip tease, our relationship finally going into that step two months ago. The best time of my life, I might add. Shaking his finger he stopped himself from his pants and just curled up along side of me. It would not matter to me if the world had ended right there and everything went into chaos. I was with Steve, the only love of my life. His muscular arms wrapped around my firm torso as I stuck my face into his hair. Breathing in the heavenly scent from his strawberry shampoo.
The thoughts are enough to make my cry, it was just one moment. One tiny moment of embrace that even parents give their children. A loved one to a loved one. Not a single kiss we shared, we did not need to. Ours souls were together just by that embrace.
It did not seem but a few blissful moments when my door knob turned and opened the door. Right to the demons themselves, fire in their eyes as they saw their only son with a man. Someone who was not like them, a stranger in more ways than the obvious. Like they saw hell for the first time, my became frightened, then angry. I recognized the look, my first reaction was to hold on to Steve for dear life. My father reached out and took a fist full of my dark hair. The pain shot down into my toes as he pulled. Steve's face was shoved away from me with my father's with his free hand. He pulled again, pulling me off the bed as Steve tried to help. Before he could get a hold of me I was flung into the marble walkway, I hit face first. I only could wished that was it. The pain agonizingly, as my blood cells scrambled to the cut.
I was wrong, it could be much worse. My forehead still stings and my scalp is still bleeding. But that do not even compare on how I feel inside.
Steve was taken, as calmly as my father could. The seconds felt like hours as my father, my own flesh and blood, had the man I loved up in the air by this throat. I remember shrieking and crying as my mother watched from the stairs. Her expression ice cold, extinct. No longer did she care for me, that much was clear.
My father exclaimed how Steve was going to burn just by looking at me. How I was the worst possible son in the world. He dropped Steve at that moment and stared at him. Saying these few words, "if you have any feeling for my son as you say you do, you will never see him, speak to him or even touch him again. Or I will find you." The look in his eye was so damaging that my stomach dropped. Steve took a look at me, tears in his eyes. Then nodded.
Time froze, all I saw was Steve too frightened to look into the devil's eyes. My heart pounded into my ribs as my body finally started to realized what that nod meant. I ran away to the only place I knew, under my bedroom window. It was all gone, everything. All I could do was stare at Steve's jacket. My father's last words will race though my mind, "you will thank for me one day" as I ran. Knowing that, I cried.
Hours later the tears never did dry up. I thought long and hard on what to do. Why Steve never came back. I had to write it down, maybe then my parents could understand. Why they will never get their son back after what they did. It may seem irrational, but it's all I had.
I will not thank anyone for anything. Every hope, dream, and desire was gone. You see Diary, because I cannot possible continue without something true in my life. Something to balance all this chaos and horror. Cannot live without it, without Steve.
My last entry, 11/24- Adam.
PS. If you are reading this I assume you found my body. Tell Steve he can keep my Diary. Everything he is to me is throughout these pages. I love you more than life Steve. Goodbye.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thank you