Where the Sunshine Blooms

“So, where to now?” I sighed, feeling exhausted.

We had taken a tour of the town and even had time to stop at some restaurant that the boys promised had the best hamburgers. I, being the little girl with the eating disorder, didn’t even think of ordering a hamburger. Instead, I ordered a plain salad—no dressing—that I barely even touched. I think the guys were starting to notice. This was another reason why I envied Clara. There was close to nothing wrong with her. Not only could she eat anything and maintain her curvy figure, but she ate like a guy and these guys liked that a lot. This is why she ordered her favorite; a BLT cheeseburger. A.k.a. a heart attack on a bun.

Kennedy shot me a worried look, I didn’t know why.
“We’re staying at Nick’s,” John O replied from the driver’s seat.
I sighed once more before leaning into Clara’s warm body. They had told us about Mr. Nick Santino over dinner.
She shivered, “Jesus, Sam, you’re freezing.”
This was nothing new to me. It came along with being a stick.
“Here,” Kennedy said as I felt warmth washing over me.
I looked down to find a blue blanket lying across my legs and then glanced up at Kennedy, “Thanks.”
“No problem,” He smiled, patting my bony thigh.


“Here we are, just for you two,” said our new fake ginger acquaintance, Nick.
I scanned the almost bare room. The walls were a pale shade of purple and the floor was covered in wall-to-wall gray carpeting. There were two twin sized beds. How Nick could afford such a nice house like this was beyond me.
“If you two get lonely, you know where to find us,” Nick smiled and winked before shutting the door, leaving Clara and I to survey the room ourselves.

“So this is interesting,” I said, taking the bed that was pushed against the wall.
Clara nodded, taking the other bed, “They’re nice guys. We actually really hit it off on the plane ride. It seems like you and Kennedy did too.”
I shook my head, “There’s no way Kennedy would like me.”
She cocked her head at me, “Why not?”
“I’m too…” I knew what she would say if I said it.
“Don’t you dare say it, Samantha,” Clara groaned, falling back onto her bed.
I bit my lip, fighting the word that begged to slip from my lips. I wouldn’t let it, not this time.
“You’re gorgeous, Sam. I mean, you really could be if you gained a few pounds,” Clara sat back up, “I’m going to go find a bathroom and then go hang out with the boys. Don’t get into any trouble.”

When she left I got up went down the hall to find the boys.
I stopped when I heard my name being used in conversation. Eavesdropping was wrong, especially around people that you barely knew, but once I started I couldn’t stop.

“So what’s with Sam?” Pat asked.
I recognized the next voice as Kennedy’s, “She’s cute and really nice.”
I blushed at the thought of Kennedy liking me.
“That girl doesn’t eat,” Another boy, I think it was John, spoke, “She’s rail thin.”
“You’re one to talk, O’Callaghan,” Kennedy shot back.
“At least I’m not disgustingly skinny,” John scoffed.
That’s when I felt tears welling in my eyes.
“She’s not disgusting,” Garrett said, “She’s nice and kind of pretty. Don’t hate, John.”
At least some of them were sticking up for me.
“Too skinny for me,” Jared said before taking a rather loud slurp from a drink.
“Clara’s hot,” John said.
“She has a nice body,” Nick agreed.
“I’d rather have that than a stick like Sam any day,” Jared spoke last before they started talking about what sounded like Nick’s girlfriend, but I didn’t listen.
I couldn’t listen. No matter what I did, I was disgusting. I was gross. I was either too skinny or fat, never in between; or I couldn’t bring myself to be. Food was my enemy.

By now, tears were falling freely. I turned to go back to my room before a voice stopped me.
“Sam?” It was Kennedy.
“Yeah?” I had my back to him but my voice was shaky. I knew better than to show my emotions to an almost stranger but I was faltering.
“Are you okay?” His voiced was flooded with concern.
I shrugged, “Just tired. Good night.”

I continued my way back to the room and fell into my bed, pulling the covers over my still clothed body.
Then there was a knock on the door, “Sam?”
I stayed silent; I wanted Kennedy to think I was asleep so he would go back to talking about me with his friends.
The doorknob twisted open and Kennedy stood in the door way, looking at me with my eyes wide open.
His face showed even more concern than was evident in his voice, “What’s wrong?”
He made his way over to the edge of my bed and sat next to my tiny body.
I rubbed my cheeks free of stray mascara and sighed, “Nothing.”
“You were crying, Sam, I’m not stupid.” Kennedy gave me a look that made me want to tell him everything, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t know him well enough yet.
“I just,” I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut, “I don’t want to talk about it now, okay?”
He placed a hand gently on my shoulder, “Okay, but you will tell me?”
I finally opened my eyes, “I will, I promise.”
He smiled softly and winked at me, “Alright, have a good rest, Sam.”
He got up off the bed and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
“Night, Kennedy,” I sighed.


“You’re eating breakfast today,” Clara told me when I came back into the room after showering.
Nick and Pat were some kind of fantastic cooks and they were making an assortment of fluffy pancakes this morning; blueberry, chocolate, and plain. They were also making bacon and scrambled eggs to complete the meal. So, I was eating this morning. I just hoped they had sugar-free syrup.

“Morning ladies!” John O’Callaghan greeted us as we appeared in the door way to the dining room.
I suddenly felt self conscious. Everyone’s eyes scanned me and my body as my eyes scanned the table in front of me.
“Morning boys,” Clara smiled at all of them before whispering to me, “You are going to eat everything on your plate, got it?”
I gulped and nodded, taking a seat between Kennedy and Clara at the large table.
“Nick, can you fix a plate for Sam?” Clara asked sweetly, “Get her some of everything.”

There was no sugar-free syrup.


“I’m so proud of you, Sam,” She said kind of quietly as I took the last bite of eggs left on my plate.
“Wow Sam, after eating close to nothing last night, you sure ate the fuck out of that breakfast,” Garrett noted, smiling sweetly.
I suddenly felt fat again, “I, uh, I just wasn’t hungry last night.”
“I’ll say,” John said, “You barely touched the lettuce on your plate.”
I looked to Clara, my eyes wide with fear, “Guys, let’s stop talking about food,” Clara saved me, “I’m so full I could puke.”
As soon as she realized what she said, she clapped her hand over her mouth. Clara hated giving me ideas.
“What’s wrong?” Jared asked, mouth-full of pancake.
She shook her head, “Nothing, I just…I have to call my brother.”
Clara excused herself before leaving me alone with the guys who continued on with their meal and conversation.
“Good food, huh?” Kennedy placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me.
I smiled back and nodded, “Yeah, I’m just gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.”

I locked myself inside the bathroom and looked around for my toothbrush before remembering I put it back in my bag.
I sighed, seating myself on the floor near the toilet. I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to do this. All of that food I just ate was going to go right down to my thunder thighs. I needed to do this.

After five solid minutes of purging, I was content with the contents now inside the toilet. I grabbed a tissue and wiped my lips off and then washed my hands. I flushed the toilet and quickly grabbed my toothbrush from my room, avoiding Clara who was, indeed, on the phone with her brother.
I brushed the stomach acid off of my teeth and rinsed three times with the mouth wash that sat on the shelf behind the mirror.

I checked myself in the mirror; disgusting, just like John had said.
I sighed. I was done.


“What took you so long?” Clara eyed me as I re-entered the dining room.
“I-I had to pee,” I stammered.
“Sam,” Clara warned with a sad look in her eyes, “Please tell me you didn’t.”
She was only whispering to me but it felt like everyone could hear.
“I didn’t, I just…” I couldn’t speak anymore.
Clara just looked down at her hands in her lap; disappointment was evident in her features. She knew what I had done and she was not ecstatic about it.
“You two okay?” Pat asked us.
I nodded, “She just wanted to visit her brother.”

I couldn’t stop lying.