Suicide Season

Marina left shortly after I had recieved the amazing flowers - it was the first time in my entire life that I had recieved flowers from anyone. She saw that I wanted to be alone, and excused herself with the excuse of being tired and needing to get back home to her husband, James.

I sat on the couch by myself, no television on, no dinner on the stove, and no tea on the coffee table in front of me just staring out the all glass siding of the apartment for an hour. I broke out of the haze I was in, and tiredly walked up the staircase after dimming the lights in the downstairs of my apartment. I hesitated in the doorway to the closet, looking straight through into the bathroom. Did I want to take a shower? Surely my face would break out if I didn't get the four pounds of concealer off my face, but did I really care? I stood, looking into the bathroom. I saw that all the makeup was still out, and so were all the hair products. There were a few clothes strewn on the floor as well. I supposed if I was going to go in and clean it up then I should take a shower while I was in there. I picked the semi-damp towel up off my bedroom floor before walking into the bathroom. I put all the makeup and hair accessories away before starting the water for the shower. I put the clothes back on the hanger and hung them back into the closet before stepping into the shower. I shampooed and conditioned my hair before scrubbing my face. When I was finished, I sat on the shower floor and closed my eyes, scalding hot water washing over me. I didn't know whether I should cry, or be angry. Whether I should sleep or stay awake. Whether to call Adrien over or stay alone tonight. The water was getting colder by the second so I stood and turned the water off. I opened the glass door and took my towel from the hook next to the shower. I wrapped it around myself and looked up into the mirror directly across from me. I didn't really know what to think of myself. I didn't know what to make of this person that stared back at me. I didn't want to keep staring, but I couldn't tear myself away.

I looked down at the fluffy bathmat under my feet, and took a deep breath in. I held it for a second before letting it out, and walking into the closet. I took out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that came almost to my knees. A Drop Dead t-shirt that I only wore when I felt like I did tonight. I changed into the pajama's and shut out the bathroom and closet lights. I shut out the light in my room, and it was still semi-lit by the lights of London. I rubbed the towel on my head in attempt to dry it a little and stood watching the lights. Just looking out the windows. A feeling of peace came over me as I yawned and tossed the towel into the closet. I got under the thick, heavy light gray comforter and scooted over to the side closer to the window. Usually that's where Adrien slept if he was here. I didn't want to smell him so I swapped the pillows for the ones on my side. I stared out the window, listening to the sounds of the city and my steady breathing until I fell asleep. It wasn't dreamless, though. It was exactly what I couldn't handle at the end of this crazy day; a dream about leaving Ember with Carol and coming to London for the night.

The very thought of Ember these days made me crumble inside. If I thought about Ember, I couldn't get out of bed for the next twenty-four hours because I couldn't bare to be around people. Of course, I had never given up my search for her. The only people in London who knew about Ember was Marina, myself, and currently Oliver.

When I woke up, it was still dark. I looked at the clock to see that it was four fifteen in the morning. I got out of bed, and went downstairs to get my mobile. I had a new text message. I opened it, and my heart sank. Just a reminder to pay my bill next week. I was hoping it would be Oliver. Or maybe the private investigator I paid for nothing. I couldn't believe it had been over three years, and there was still no sign of her. Or my mother. I even put up missing persons fliers. Nothing. Not much help from the police either. My eyes felt heavy, so I walked back upstairs, mobile in hand. I set my mobile on the nightstand near the window, and laid in the middle of the bed, looking up at the glass ceiling. It felt like it took forever to fall back asleep. I knew I would be calling in today and telling them I would work from home. I wanted to stay in my warm bed with my pajama's on, drink my tea, and just be alone.

When I woke up again, my mobile was ringing. It was nine fifty-seven. Adriens name was on the screen and I hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Hello?" I said tiredly.

"Oh, did I wake you?" Adrien asked.

"No." I lied. "I've been laying in bed for a while though. Haven't gotten up yet."

"Are you ill this morning?" Adrien asked. "Usually you're up and headed off to work the day after meeting with a client." Adrien laughed.

"Aye, I'm just tired today. I slept terrible last night." I said, closing my eyes again. "I feel like being lazy today." I shrugged my shoulders, even though I knew Adrien couldn't see that.

"Well, I'll come over tonight after I get out of work and make you a lovely dinner." Adrien offered.

"Sound's wonderful, really. But I don't think I'll be up for it. You're still welcome to come over though." I urged. I wasn't sure if I could be alone all day and all night. I was going to want someone here later, and maybe I would be up for Adrien cooking dinner.

"Alright. I'll speak with you later, Duckie. Get some rest." Adrien said.

"I will. Bye."

"Bye-bye." Adrien hung up, as did I. I set my mobile down on the nightstand and got up from my bed. I wanted a cup of tea, and I wanted to watch a movie. I decided on A Streetcar Named Desire. I couldn't help it. I was a sucker for the movie. I ended up taking the whole kettle of water and the box of tea upstairs with me. I wasn't sure how much tea I wanted, and I didn't want to keep getting up for more.

As the movie started to play, my mobile started going off again. I sighed angrilly and set my cup of tea on my lap before answering.

"Yes?" I said, pressing my lips into a thin line, and frowning.

"Vee? It's Oli." My whole demeanor changed. I almost smiled.

"Oh, hey. What can I do for you?" I asked, sipping my tea.

"I was just wondering what you were doing tomorrow. I had some last minute business that came up last night, and something is already planned for tonight, but tomorrow is free." Oliver explained.

"That sounds lovely. I would love to go out. You know, I've been thinking about it a lot and I think we really do need to just catch up." I explained.

"I'm glad you finally see it my way." I knew from the tone in his voice he was smiling. "Oh, by the way. Mum is coming into London on Tuesday night to help me finish up some business here in London. Would you mind if she tagged along to the meeting? She'd love to see you."

"Of course! I would love to see her too." The thought of seeing Carol again made me smile. I had some things I needed to fix with her, since the last time she saw me I was too drunk and too angry to be nice to anyone. It would be nice to see her and catch up with her as well. "Oliver, it's nice to hear from you but I was just about to watch my favorite black and white. I'll talk to you later." I said, not really in the mood to talk on the phone.

"Alright, talk to you soon." He said, sounding a bit disappointed.

"Oh, and Sykes." I said, before we hung up.

"Yes, Carrington?"

"You skip out on me this time and there will be no raincheck." I laughed.

"You've got it, love. My friday night is already booked just for you."

"Bye, Oliver."

"Bye, Vee." We hung up, and I hit play on the dvd remote. When I looked back up at the tv, and started to sip my tea again I realized I was still smiling.

After my movie was over, I called my wor and told them I would be working from home. I then called Adrien and told him to come over whenever he wanted. I wanted to be open with him about Oliver and I going out to dinner. If I wanted us to work then I needed to be honest. I mean, Adrien was great. I really did like him, I wasn't sure if I loved him yet. I don't know if I could bring myself to say I loved anyone accept for a few family members. And when I say few, I mean veryfew.

Adrien said he would be here around four. I was kind of excited, and nervous for him coming over. And when it came time for him to get here, I was still in my pajama's and unshowered. And the flowers were still on the table.

"Hello darling." Adrien said as I leaned over the balcony smiling when he walked in. I guess you could say I was very hot and cold with Adrien. It all depended on my mood, and he seemed pretty accepting of it.

"Hello." I said walking down the stairs and, walking over to him. Adrien wrapped his arms around me, and I looked up at him, pursing my lips. He kissed me, and I smiled. "How was work?" I asked, pulling away from him, and leaning on the counter behind me.

"It was alright." He sighed, turning and hanging his jacket on the chair at the small kitchen table. "Who are those from?" He asked, pointing to the flowers. I blushed a little, and hesitated to answer.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something." I hopped up on the counter, and sat indian style. Adrien didn't have much knowledge about Oliver. Just that he was someone from Sheffield that I didn't ever want to talk about. "You know how I get all fussy and angry sometimes when I'm thinking. And usually it's when I'm thinking about good old Sheff?"

"Yes." Adrien looked at me quizically.

"Well, you know how there's that person, Oliver Sykes, that I never want to talk about?" Adrien nodded, so I went on. "Well, he is one of the clients. His band is going to be playing with Mastodon." I was skipping around the point.

"Yes. What does that have to do with flowers?" Adrien asked.

"Well, I'll get there. Let me just explain. See, Oliver and I used to be pretty good friends. We lost touch when I moved to London, and when he came in the other day, we made plans to meet up." I sighed. "We were supposed to meet up last night, and he couldn't make it - something about having last minute business to take care of. Probably with his clothing company-" I pointed to the shirt I was wearing. "And so we were going to go out tomorrow night. I hope you don't mind, darling. I know I should have told you before. I just want to be open with you though, and let you know what was going on. We're just going to go out to dinner as friends and catch up on what we've missed."

"So he sent you flowers as a sorry? Sounds a bit more than friendly to me." Adrien huffed. "I know your intentions, but I don't know this guy. Obviously there was something more in the past. Men don't just send flowers to old friends." He pointed out.

"Oh Adrien, I will make it very clear tomorrow. It's just catching up. I haven't had a nice conversation with him in three years." I sighed, hopping down from the counter, and getting two wine glasses out. I took out a bottle o raspberry merlot, and poured it into the glasses until they were half full.

"Well I'm not going to stop you from going. I understand how it is to not see people for a long time. I appreciate you being honest with me though." Adrien took the glass I held out for him, and put his arm around my waist. "Speaking of dinner, what would you like this evening, my lady?" He asked, laughing as I looked up at him with gleaming eyes.

"I'm not sure really. I'll have to think about that." I leaned my head against him, and stared out the window. I believe I developed a staring problem when I moved to London. I couldn't help but just stare out the window.

"I say we go out to the market, and get some vegtables and a roast? You can eat just the vegtables and we can buy some tofu or something for you as well. We'll invite Marina, and James over for dinner tonight and just relax. Obviously it's what you needed. You're very happy today." Adrien laughed.

"Sounds wonderful." I said walking away from him and going up the stairs. "Let me just get changed first." I walked into my room and immediately started shedding my clothes. I got a pair of jeans and a t-shirt out of the dresser and changed.

I walked back downstairs with my purse, put my coat and gloves on, and waited by the door for Adrien. When he was standing by my side, I opened the door and walked out of the apartment. Adrien put his arm around my waist, and I put mine around his.

“So lovely, what are we going to get for dinner?” Adrien asked a few minutes later when we were walking down the street towards the market.

“Well, you said a roast earlier. I suppose that will be good. And it will definitely feed all of us.” I said looking up at him.

“Okay then. Roasted veggies to go with it?”

“Yes.” I paused to think of which ones. “How about some potatoes, and carrots, and onions, and…” I paused for a moment again to think. “Whatever else we can find. Maybe some leeks to give some good flavor.” I said smiling at Adrien.

We turned another corner, and started to walk down the street with all the markets. When we were almost done, I saw a familiar face with a small girl. She couldn’t have been over four years old. My heart dropped into my stomach, as the two started walking out of the shop and toward Adrien and I. I tried to walk away, but I was frozen.

“What’s the matter, duckie?” Adrien asked.

I didn’t answer. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t. When the two people were about ten feet away, I unhooked my arm from Adriens and quickly walked over to them.

“Oliver?!” I exclaimed. I couldn’t believe it. He had a kid when I left?! I was immediately hurt. I guess I really wanted to get back what I had with Oliver, and if he had a kid then that would be impossible. But was that what I really wanted? I was sure that I loved Adrien. Right?

I was face to face with Oliver now, and he was just as speechless as I was.

“Erm, Vee. I can explain.” He said, nervously looking down at the little girl standing next to him.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” I asked frowning at him, tears reaching the brim of my eyes.

“It’s not what you think it is.” Oliver said, as the little girl pinned herself to his leg.

“I’m sure.” I said, walking away. I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Veronica!” Adrien was walking over now. “Vee, what’s the matter duckie?” He asked, grabbing my arm. He looked from me to Oliver, then back to me. “What’s going on?” He asked.

“Nothing. Let’s go home.” I said looking away from the scene.

“You must be Oliver then.” Adrien said, a slight chuckle in his voice.

“Aye, and who are you?” Oliver asked.

“I’m Adrien. Veronica’s boyfriend. She hasn’t told you about me?” Adrien sounded a little hurt by this.

“No. Not yet anyway. We’ve only spoken briefly since I’ve been in town.” Oliver explained.

“Oh, well. Would you like to join us for dinner then? You can bring your daughter.” As Adrien spoke those words, I felt like I just had someone stab at my heart. Daughter? I couldn’t believe this.

“Mate, you see she’s not my daughter. I-“ Oliver was about to explain, but Adrien cut her off.

“We’ve all got skeleton’s in our closets. You don’t have to explain. You know where Veronica lives, yeah? Swing by at around six, and dinner should be ready.” Adrien smiled. “Nice meeting you.” Adrien led me away from Oliver and his daughter and back down the street. It was silent between Adrien and I until we got back to my flat.

“So that’s your old friend, eh? Seems to be you two have quite the past.” Adrien laughed.

“It’s not funny Adrien.” I mumbled scowling. “Why would you invite him to dinner?!” I asked.

“Because you were planning on going to dinner with him at some point while he was in town anyway. Why not just have him come over. I want to get to know him too.” Adrien shrugged, thinking nothing of it as we loaded the groceries into my fridge

I stopped putting the groceries away instantly and turned to him. “It’s my flat Adrien! If I wanted Oli at my flat then I would have invited him! I don’t even want to be near him right now! You should probably just go home. Dinner is cancelled.” I said glaring at him before I started walking away from him, and back toward my apartment.

Adrien stood staring at me, his mouth wide open. “Obviously you have more of a past than I thought. What is going on with you?!” He asked.

“Nothing! I don’t want to talk about it!” I yelled.

“Listen, you have never told me anything about yourself before you moved to London. All you’ve ever said is you moved here with your cousin for a new start. We’ve been together for almost three years, and I don’t even know you! I’ve put up with this for a long time! It’s embarrassing when people ask, ‘oh where is she from? Why did she move here?’ I can’t tell them because I don’t know.”

“Well if it’s so embarrassing then why are you still with me?” I asked. “You’re being such an asshole. If you didn’t want to talk about something I wouldn’t push the subject. Why do you so badly want to know about me before I moved here?”

“Because I love you. I want to know everything about you. Where you’re from, why you’re here, what your childhood was like, oh and maybe who your friends were?” Adrien said stepping closer to me.

“No.” I said putting my hands up in front of me. “Just… Just go.” I said closing my eyes, and biting my bottom lip.

“Fine. Why don’t you call me when you get over this little fit.” Adrien walked away from me. I put my hands down when I heard the door open, and the tears fell when it shut. I slammed the refridgerator door shut, and picked my cell phone up off the counter and sent a text to Marina and Oliver.

Dinner is cancelled.

I threw my phone onto the counter and walked out of the kitchen. I turned on my stereo and turned it way up. I had a mix cd in. Boxcar Racer’s song “I Feel So” came on and I started nodding my head. Ember loved this song. She used to nod her head, and dance. It was funny because it wasn’t a very happy song, but I always danced around to this song so she was probably copying me. I missed her so much. I wished I could go back to when it was just her and I against the world. Life was so much easier then. We loved each other unconditionally, and I didn’t have to worry about her being mad at me for not doing something right because she had no sense of what was wrong or right back then. I was sure she knew, or had more of a sense now. If she was alive. I never was able to find her.

I turned the stereo down and went up to my room to change into a pair of boys boxers, and a tank top. My room was a bit messy, so I started to clean it. And by clean, I meant literally clean. I washed the windows, vacuumed the carpet, dusted the shelves and the television, and put a load of was in. I didn’t realize how long I was up there. I heard a knock on the door. I groaned, but made my way down the stairs.

When I opened the door, I wanted to slam it shut, but I couldn’t there was a hand holding it open. I locked my eyes with the sad autumn ones that were there.

“Dinner was cancelled.” I said in a quiet, bitter voice.

“Look, I need to tell you something.” He pleaded.

I sighed, and crossed my arms. “What?” I asked.

“I found Ember.” He said opening the door more to show the little girl that he had with him earlier that day.

“Oli, I’m hungry.” The little girl said looking up at Oli.

My arms dropped to my sides, and it was if I had forgotten how to breathe suddenly. There she was. After three years of trying to find that precious little girl, she was finally an arms length away from me.

“I wanted to surprise you.” Oliver said picking up the little girl.

“Emmy?” I said, looking into the little girls eyes that looked just like mine. Did she still remember me? She must. I was her “mother” until our mum took her.

The little girl smiled at me. “Oli says you’re my big sister.” My heart broke a little when she said that. She didn’t remember me. She was too little, I should have known.

“Yeah. I’m your big sister Veronica. I’ve missed you a lot.” I smiled widely, and held my arms out to her. She smiled a little uncomfortably, but let me hold her anyway. I held her tightly, and took in her scent, and the warm hug she gave back to me.

“What would you like for dinner sweetie?” I asked, walking into the kitchen of my apartment and setting her on the counter. Oliver was close behind, and smiled as he watched Ember and I.

I made her some pasta for dinner, and then we watched a movie. Just the three of us. During dinner, Ember had told me where she had been, that mum had died and gone to heaven (although I would say otherwise) and that she had stayed with grammy until grammy got real sick. She had been staying with a second cousin for the past year. When I showed her what used to be her favorite song her eyes lit up. She remembered that song. It felt so normal; so right. Just Ember, Oliver, and I. I’d kill for the sun to never rise again so I could stay in this night forever. Yeah, anything.