And I'm Paralyzed

Mikey:

They were getting worse. Every night it was the same. A bloody, black and silver winged cat and an army of the undead, ravenous for my flesh and blood. This one is worse... so much worse. I can't run, I can't move, I can't breath as the cat stands in front of me, staring into my eyes with unmistakable hazel ones.

“Why don't you fucking help me?!” I scream at the beast, “Please! I'm sorry! Don't let them kill me!”

But the cat lowers its head and pressed is nose to one of the many tears cascading down my face before flickering and disappearing. And then the broken and decaying corpses advance, some with mouths open, some with no mouths at all, all bleeding and staring at me as though I'm going to restore their beauty.

Then one will finally reach me and they slowly rip the flesh from my bones, licking the flowing blood from my arms. I can see it all. They gouge out my eyes and rip out my tongue, they bite of my fingers and tear out my ribs.

When they finnish, I do not die. I am left, my entire body alive with firey pain, and slowly my heartbeat slows until I become one of them.

This is usually when I wake up. But once, I dreamed I layed in that same position until the cat returned. Its eyes found mine. They were full of pain.

“Look...” I rasp out to it, “Look what you've... done. To me....”

The cat then spreads its eagle-esq wings and bursts into a real blue and silver flame. I hear my name in Gerard's voice escape the creature as it's body falls next to mine. The living dead return to devour it's flesh.

~

The following Monday, the school bullies really seem to be the least of my issues. I can tell he's changing again. Not in a good way. He is becoming violent with others. He talks to Mom and Dad now. He is violent with them. But not me. He never even looks at me.

When we walk to school that morning, he does something I'm not expecting at all. He says my name. At fist I think I'm hearing things, but then he says it again. I look slowly at him, but he is focused on something distant. He gestures for me to get behind him. I do so.

Quite suddenly an ugly little girl is standing in front of us. She doesn't scare me, except for her jagged smile, “Hello, Gerard. Who's this? Your little boytoy I have to destroy?”

I shrink behind him further out of instinct. I can see his muscles flexing, and his teeth grinding together, “You know, Vannessa, this really is not a good time.”

“Why not, Gee?”

Jealousy spikes in me when she says it. That is my name for him.

Gerard relaxes with obvious effort, “Because I never have time for stuck up bitches.”

She snorts, “ Honestly? Well, I'll just kill him now then.”

The girl takes a step forward, her beady little eyes fixed on me. Gerard moves faster than I though possible, whipping a pistol from some hidden place and pointing it straight at her. For a moment, she looks scared. Then she smiles.

“Bravo, Gerard. You've bested me, but don't think you can keep me waiting long...”

He fires. And misses. Because she's gone.

Gee turns to me, grabs my wrist and leads me down an alley.

“Are you okay?” he asks, trying to check me for injuries.

I nod absently. I am very distracted by how close his face is to mine. In a quite un-Mikeyish manner, I grab the back of my brother's head and pull him down so our lips collide. For a moment, he does nothing. Then he kisses me back.

I put a hand on his cheek as we kiss deeply for an entire minute before breaking away from each other. When I look back at him, he isn't violent Gerard anymore, but he also isn't normal Gerard. He is thinking Gerard. The Gerard I fear most.

He doesn't say another word to me, he just gets up and walks out of the alley. I yank myself up and follow him. He doesn't look back and he doesn't speak. I catch up and I grab his hand.

“Please.” I whisper when he finally looks at me, “Please, Gee.”

There is obvious conflict in his eyes. The fragile broken Gerard who is afraid of me wants him to run. The violent protector Gerard who needs to stay close me for the sole reason to keep me alive, thinking Gerard who wants him to disappear altogether. Then I see it. There, in his eyes, behind the other identities and the lies and fears, my Gerard. My goofy, lovable, stubborn, geek of a brother.

In a second, he is gone. A new Gerard makes himself apparent. He isn't thinker Gerard. He isn't broken Gerard. He is quiet and empty. He is ghost Gerard. He takes his hand out of mine and keeps walking, his eyes low.

It's too much. The dreams. The loss of myself. The loss of him. I feel the tears come and I can do nothing to hold them back. I let out a short gasp of pain, making ghost Gerard turn and look at me. His empty eyes spark when they see the tears.

I fall to my knees and sob. Everything, the pain and fear of my nightmares, the pain and fear of losing him, the pain and fear of the unknown.

“Gee, please come back! Please! I'm so fucking sorry! I just want you back! I want my brother, not someone else! P-please!” I gasped through the tears.

Ghost Gerard just stares at me. I can see it, I can see him, my Gerard trying to break through, trying to get to me. The other Gerards are too much for the force of my Gerard alone. He fights, and I keep crying, because it makes him fight harder.

But they are too much, and after another moment of flickering in his eyes, another Gerard shows himself. This one smirks at me.

“You won't win, Michael.” he says.

I stare at this Gerard. His eyes shine with cold malice. He is evil Gerard, “I will win. My brother is still down there somewhere. Past... this. You can't win because you aren't real.”

Cold, evil Gerard stares me down with hate in his eyes. He turns and walks away, towards the school. I didn't know what it was I had to do, but somehow I had to destroy these things that had pushed my brother away.

~

Gerard:

I ditched. I needed to get out. I need to get out of everything. I need to disappear and find a place where no one will find me. But I knew he would find me no matter where I went. He is my venom, the bane of my existence. I need to get away from him.

Go back to him. Let me see him. Let me see my brother!

I clutched my head pushing the voice away, “No. He wants to kill me.”

He wants me back.

“He hates all of us!”

[i[He hates you. You are not me. He wants his Gerard back, not you. Not any of you.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Let me have my brother back.

“No.”

He'll kill you. He will destroy all of you. You underestimate him.

“He can't win. We will.”