And I'm Paralyzed

Mikey:

When I got home from school, I had a plan. I didn't know if it would work, but I sure as hell was gonna try. I didn't look for Gerard, I didn't talk to him again. I decided that if he was going to pull this shit, two could play that game.

Time past sluggishly, he got home a couple of hours after I did, and immediately went down to his room. I didn't follow him, I didn't do anything, I just sat in my room, thinking and listening. I heard through the air vents, his voice, he was arguing with himself.

“Just leave me alone. No, no, no! Stop it, you can't. He won't. He'll come back. I won't let him kill us. I won't. No, you can't. You're the prisoner. Ha! No, we control you now. What? That's stupid. I've told you, there's nothing he can do. He can't kill us, we are you. If we die, you die. It's perfectly possible. Get out of my head!”

I heard a muffled thumping as Gerard hit his head against something. I hated that he was going through this, I hated that I can't go down there and help him. I have to stick to my plan.

I hear him start yelling at himself once more, but this time, I step away from the air vent and go back to my bed, laying down and closing my eyes.

But the last thing I needed was to fall asleep.

~

It started again, like a movie rolling in, except there is no intro. It just begins. The setting is different, we are on a cliff face. And rather than a cat leading the undead, it is my brother leading the others of himself. I watch closely. Will he, will they, kill me?

The one in front looks the most like the old him. No dark circles under his eyes. No fear. No cuts on his arms, no self hatred in his eyes. Just the strength of my childhood hero. The one to his right is crouched, staring at me like I am the flesh-eater in his night terror. The one to his left isn't looking at me, but his stance is that of defense. He is older and his hair is longer.

There are two more, fanned outward, one to the immediate right of little frightened Gerard and one to the left of protector Gerard. The one to the right of the scared one has his eyes fixed on the sky, he is indifferent and he does not care about what is happening. This is thinking Gerard.

The one to the left of the protector stares blankly. He is slightly transparent and feels nothing, including emotions. He is the ghost. Slightly behind him is the malicious, hateful, evil Gerard, staring at me and smiling in a way that told me he wanted to hurt me.

The Gerard in front, my Gerard, steps forward, his hazel eyes stare into mine. I find myself able to move, but I do not. If I do, I'm sure he will disappear. He smiles a small smile.

“Mikey, you need to destroy them, one by one.” he says, utterly serious.

I swallow nervously, “H-how?”

“You have to find that out for yourself, Mikey,” Gerard whispered, “Find the weakness of each and kill them. I can't come back until you've taken away my hiding place.”

“But why, Gerard?” I gasp suddenly, not able to hold it back, “Why do you need to hide?”

Gerard hangs his head, “Because I am afraid of what I don't know. I am afraid of hurting you, and I am afraid of hurting myself. I am terrified, so scared, that if I become close to you, something terrible will happen. I already know it, and my mind and heart are working against each other. My mind wants me to flee, or at least, my mind wants to keep shoving these,” he gestures at the other Gerards, “these... manifestations at you. So you will hate me and avoid getting hurt. My heart, though, my heart wants me to be with you. My heart wants me to be me and you to be you. But my heart doesn't understand the risk, and I want to follow it anyway, but my head isn't giving me that choice. That's why my mind created these beasts, to drive you away. It hasn't worked, and my heart just wants you more.”

I nod slowly, “So, I have to kill them? All of them?”

He nods gravely, “They think you won't try. You need to, no matter how badly it seems I want you gone, no matter how much I scream and kick or hurt myself, you need to keep trying. You need to kill them or I will be gone forever. Do you understand?”

My heart is racing. Kill them? Find the weakness? What if they don't have weaknesses?

“Michael? Take out the weakest first.” his eyes flick to the cowering Gerard, “wait until he seems dominant in my body, and do what you think you have to. That's all I can do to help you now...”

The dream is fading. I feel a terrible hatred, a flash of boiling, hot rage, deep thought, then cold, sweeping fear, followed by absolutely nothing, then, at last, intense love. The emotions of all of his different forms, the pure concentration of every manifestation of his being. It is my job now to turn them into one Gerard instead of six.

~

I was still ignoring him. I was waiting until that crumpled, weak Gerard showed himself. He had been avoiding that Gerard, I think, because the one I see whenever I'm around him is the malicious one or the deep thinker. He's keeping his guard up.

But he slips. And I catch it.

He can't stay the same for too long, or his mind will lose the identities and he will return to normal Gerard, which is everything his mind had been trying to prevent. I don't know how I know it, but I do. I also know that, contrary to my earlier belief, he can't quickly take on a different identity. Once he takes on a spirit, he is forced into that frame of mind for at least five minutes.

So when I heard him crying through the vents, I knew I had to move quickly.

I picked the basement door's lock, and managed to get down to his room. It took a lot longer to pick his locks silently, but I could still hear the muffled sobs, so I knew I was in the clear so far. I finally managed to open the last of the locks, and I slowly opened the door.

It was dark in his room and it was dark in his hallway, so I don't think he noticed when I closed the door behind me and crept over to his bed. Gerard's face was buried in a pillow and he cried, and he was sitting in the middle of his bed. I maneuvered around the bed, and very carefully pulled myself onto it. He felt it move and his head jerked up, but before he could look back, one of my hands covered him mouth, and the other his eyes.

He shrieked and said something, but he was muffled by my hand and I couldn't understand it.

“Shut up and do what I say.” I growl into his hear, making sure he knows its me. When he hears my voice, he starts to shake. “I'm going to remove my hand. If you make any noise or say anything, you know what I'll do.”

I didn't actually know what I was going to do, but apparently he did, because he nodded. I realized he was crying.

“Stay silent.”

He does nothing as I remove the hand covering his mouth. He's shaking harder, and I can feel his eyes squeezed tightly shut out of fear. I lean forward and press my lips into his. Gerard tries to yank himself away from me.

“N-no, s-stop, please!” he whimpers, “Please!”

I wince. I know that he thinks I'm hurting him, but this is his weakness, and I have to destroy him. I take my hand off of his eyes, he is still tightly closing them, and I pull myself on top of him, holding him under me. His heart is racing, and he is making little whimpering noises.

I hate to do this. But he told me I have to, “What did I say I would do if you made noise?”

“No, please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, please don't!”

I don't even know what to do, so I take a fistful of his hair and kiss him aggressively. His body shudders and I feel his tears and his fear. It cuts deep into my soul doing this to him. It's not the real Gerard, it's not really him.

He goes completely silent now, and I feel, or sense, rather, the mental death of the scared Gerard. He is replaced by my protector.

This Gerards shoves me off of him, glaring down at me as I fall onto the floor. But I also see the concern flash behind his eyes. He is my protector, even if he hates me like the rest of them do.

I pull myself up and stagger out of the room, not looking back as that Gerard watches me leave. A plan is already formulating in my head on how to take care of the next Gerard. His job was to protect me, right? So I would have to hurt myself.