And I'm Paralyzed

Mikey:

As sad as it might seem to those on the outside, we don't even know each other any more. Well, he won't let me know him, I guess. I don't know what I did to offend him, to hurt him to the extreme where he refuses to acknowledge my existence, but whatever I did, he won't allow me to apologize for it. He won't even tell me what it is. We haven't spoken words to each other for so long, I've forgotten what his voice sounds like.

As soon as dinner is over, he returns to his haven. Sometimes I really wish I knew what he did down there, holed up in his bedroom, door locked, completely silent. Mom and Dad used to get pissed because they thought he was touching himself all the time, but I know better, even if I don't, really.

I watch him flit to the door of the basement. He usually locks this door to keep myself and our parents as far from his room as possible, but I notice he leaves it open this time. I don't know if he did this on purpose, but as soon as Mom is distracted doing the dishes and Dad goes out to get groceries, I follow him.

It may have been a brush of the skin, but that contact made me realize how I miss him being my brother, how I miss having a best friend I could trust with my every secret. I did something, something terrible, or he wouldn't be like this. I was determined to find out what it is.

I wait on the top step until I hear his door slam shut. Once everything is silent for a long minute, I continue down the stairs until I am in front of his door. I press my ear against it, and, to my surprise, I can hear him quietly sobbing. Was what I had done so incredibly terrible that he cried about it at night? This only made me more curious to find out why Gerard was acting like this.

Acting on an impulse, I knocked on his door and called his name through it. He stopped crying, and I could almost feel him holding his breath. For a while, he said nothing. I thought he was just going to ignore me. After a long second, he opens the door.

It was the first time I'd seen him in so long. His hazel eyes were fixed on the ground, black locks hanging over his face and casting it into a shadow. Gerard was dressed in black, and his eyes were puffy and red. He didn't look at me as he asked, “What?”

I didn't know where to start. When your sibling stops speaking to you for a year, then one night actually responds, what are you supposed to say?

I look at him for another long moment before whispering, “Why are you doing this? What did I do?”

A pained look came into his eyes, though he still wouldn't look at me. With his head down like that, I could almost imagine him as a cowering dog with it's tail tucked between it's legs, “You-... N-nothing. This is my fault. I'm sorry, Mikey.”

He leaned in and kissed my forehead before closing the door and locking it. After a moment, I heard his quiet sobbing again, though this time accompanied by the noise of nails on skin and little gasps of pain.

~