And I'm Paralyzed

Gerard:

I really couldn't believe I was doing this. I wanted things to be my version of normal, when I'm ignoring him and he's ignoring me. Why was I risking everything I'd built over the past year on an impulse. Why was I standing here, preparing to knock and ask for entrance. Preparing to take back the vow of silence. Could I really do this? Did I have the courage to speak to my little brother, my demise?

I raised a fist and rapped on the door, calling his name quietly. I hoped his music was too loud for him to hear me. I hoped he would just ignore me. But of course, he doesn't.

“Gerard? Is that you? You can- uh, come in, I guess....” Mikey's voice called from behind the door.

I was trembling so hard I almost didn't hear him. I was more scared than I'd ever been in my entire life at the prospect of being in a small room alone with him. I was scared of what I might do. Trying and failing to be brave, I grabbed the doorknob and twisted it, stepping inside.

It had been a very long time since I'd been in this room. The walls were gray, covered in various band posters and pictures of Michael and his friends. I noticed he kept the ones of us when we were younger up. I felt like crying. It had been so long since we'd been close, and obviously my withdrawal from his life hadn't gone unnoticed. He even seemed to have missed me. It made my heart ache.

It was silent for a moment, I closed the door and stepped farther into his room, though it remained silent. Mikey stared into my eyes, a curious emotion swimming in his, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to rise slightly.

“Well...” Mikey began, “What did you want?”

I sighed and thought over the speech I'd prepared for him, “Listen, Mikey, I'm sorry about just forgetting about you like that for so long. We were really close, and I love you, but I was going through some tough shit, I still am, and I don't like that it causes you pain to not be as close to me anymore. I think that, maybe, for you, I can try and get close to you again, because we were so, you know, affectionate growing up. It's... really hard to explain, but, I'd like to try and be, uh, friends again, if that's okay...”

Mikey stared at me for a long time. He seemed to be mulling over all I'd just said to him. After a seemingly endless silence, he whispered, “Why did you do this in the first place? What did I do?”

“Nothing! You didn't do anything...but, uhm, it's a bit, uh, uncomfortable for me to talk about. Lets just say I was having some... emotional problems, and I dealt with them the wrong way. I'd like if we could be brothers again.”

I liked how he smiled when I said that, “I'd like that too, Gee. Can I... hug you?”

My eyebrows knit together. Was I ready to feel Mikey's body pressed against mine? I didn't think so. I'd get hard in the least, and I really didn't need to do that explaining. I shook my head. Michael looked upset, and I saw emotions clashing in his eyes, self-loathing among them. He was angry with himself.

“It isn't your fault, I just...I, uh, I'm sore.... I kind of fell down the stairs on the way up here...” I mumbled.

He could tell I was lying, and I knew it upset him I wasn't being honest, but he didn't push me, just giving a curt nod.

“Was there anything else you wanted to do?” he asked quietly, his eyes never leaving mine. I swallowed nervously. Anything else wanted do? If only he knew. Shoving these thoughts away, I glanced back at him and shrugged.

Mikey looked conflicted for a moment before nodding, “Thank you, Gee. Thank you for trying to fix this.”

I smiled before turning, opening his door, and escaping down the two flights of stairs to my dungeon.

The Next Day
Mikey:

My Saturdays were usually spent anywhere but at home, but today I was desperately plotting a way to pick the lock on Gerard's door. I wanted to wake him up and have arguments and wrestle around like we used too, even though things wouldn't be the same for a long time, if ever.

I finally got a paperclip, unbent it, and managed to undo several of the latches, though I still had a few to go. I never figured out why he used so many, but I think it was to deter break-ins. Which is sorta what I'm doing right now... but...

After a couple of frantic jiggling of the paperclip around in the final lock, it clicked and I carefully pulled it open, leaving it ajar and proceeding to his bedside. Gerard was curled in his bed, his body in a ball shape and his mouth open. He looked so much more peaceful asleep than he ever did in the waking world.

Unconsciously, I reached out and touched his face. His eyelids twitched and opened, and a gasp escaped him.

“W-what are you doing in here?” he mumbled. I knew if Gerard was more awake, he'd have been furious. For now I took advantage of it.

Thinking, I spouted off the first thing that came to mind, “I, uh, wanted to see you... sleep?”

Gerard smiled, and suddenly grabbed my wrist, pulling me close so our faces were mere inches apart, “How sweet of you.” It was about this point I realized he must be doped on sleeping medicine, because he leans up and pecks my lips before shoving me away from him and growling, “And get out of my room.”

Utterly confused, I stumbled towards his door and and wrenched it open before running upstairs as fast as I could go.

~