And I'm Paralyzed

Mikey:

No. I had to have heard him wrong. I didn't believe I was right. How could Gerard love me? How could he feel for me in a way no brothers should ever feel for each other?

The truth was, it all made sense. I had never managed to get a confession from him pertaining to why he forgot the existence of his family for an entire year. Could it have been because he loved me? Did it really make sense to accuse him, though?

I knew he was gay, that was one of the last things he'd shared with me before our divide. But I had been under the impression he had feelings for one of his friends, not his own brother. How can he love me in that way? We have the same blood, the same last name!

But the idea didn't seem that wrong. Sure, it was sorta illegal and stuff, and the thought of swapping spit with my brother repulsed me, but the idea of him loving me isn't that scary, just a little senseless. I still don't really understand how a person like him can love a person like me.

I knocked on his door, standing up straight. I heard the room go silent, but he didn't open the door this time. I called through it, “Gee? I'm sorry. I don't care if you love me like that, your still my brother.”

It was silent for five long minutes before he whispered from behind the door, “No, Michael, you're right. I'm a monster for loving you like I do. A terrible monster who deserves to die slowly. Your hatred makes me feel better because I know you hate me almost as much as I hate myself.”

“Please let me in.”

The door cracked, and I saw him scrutinize me warily before opening it all the way. I stepped inside, and he snapped the door closed and locked it. At first it scared me, but then I saw his room and I realized why. There were several bloody towels sitting in the corner, along with the sheets stripped from his bed.

I looked at his arms. One of them looked fine, his right, and his left looked ragged. Dried blood was smeared up his arm, and long gashes were just starting to crust over by now. I stared, but Gerard moved his arm behind him.

“I make you do that?” I asked. I didn't like him ripping open his flesh because he was stressed out.

Gerard's beautiful hazel eyes opened wide, “Oh, no! I do this because I deserve the pain, and because I know I'm a disgustingly twisted freak. It isn't your fault... It's not your fault I'm in love with you....”

I swallowed nervously and kept my eyes trained carefully down. Everything was changing so fast, from the awkward silences that followed us, to Gerard speaking to me, and now I knew he loved me more than he should. I was so confused.

“Why are you in love with me, though, Gerard?” I asked quietly.

He sighed heavily, going to go sit on his bed with his head down, “Because you're you. You're geeky and shy and you be yourself and you make perverted puns and when we were younger you used to leave mini snickers bars on my bed when you knew I was having a bad day, and you cared so much, and you cried when I stopped talking to you. I love you because you don't have the capacity to be mean to people you love, and I love you because you don't lie to me, and I love you because you're the sweetest person in the world, and I love you because you still scream for me when you see a spider, and I love you because you pull on my hair until you get me to scream just so you know I feel pain, too. I love you because you're addicted to coffee and because nothing matters to you, no one matters to you, except the people who you love and care for. I love you because you're insecure and because you don't realize how amazing and beautiful you are. I love you because I can't tell you you are beautiful, but I think it every second of every day. I love you because you're you, and you'll never change for anyone.”

Silent tears were streaming down his face as he told me everything. Every reason I had never expected to hear tumble out of his mouth, was now reality. I whispered his name.

Gerard raised his head and stared into my eyes, fear, desire, pain, and sorrow melding there. We just stared at each other for a long time, and I went to sit by him, wrapping my arms around his body loosely. Gerard emitted a sad noise, “Why don't you hate me now?”

I shake my head and gently pull his head down to rest on my shoulder. He relaxed almost instantly.

“I could never hate you, Gerard. This isn't your fault, no matter how much you want to blame yourself. It isn't your fault you feel attraction to me. I can see you're suffering. It's not as if you enjoy feeling these things for me, or I may be mad at you. I... I don't know why I reacted the way I did earlier, probably because I was scared for you, and scared for me. I just want you to know, even if I don't feel the same way, I want to be closer to you, and I won't act any different. This is probably just a crush, or something, Gee, you'll get over it, I'm sure.”

He didn't look at me, “But what if I ended up getting drunk and doing something terrible? I- I can't stand this. You should hate me like I hate myself. I know you said you don't care, and that just makes me love you more, but I feel like it is my fault and I should hurt for what I'm doing...”

I tightened my grip on him. I somehow had ingrain it into his mind that this wasn't his fault. I needed him, as a brother, to stop hurting himself. I needed to convey to him that this would probably blow over, and that things could go back to normal.

That was what I really wanted. Things to be normal. Not his version of normal, where neither of us speaks a word to each other, but my version, where we are brothers again, and we see movies together, and make fun of fat people who fall over in the park. Those kind of brothers, the kind so close that one waits outside the bathroom, pacing, so they can get back to playing once the one in the bathroom is finished.

Of course, we were to old for that now, but I wished with all my heart Gerard would fall for some cute guy who he isn't related to and they get married, and I can return to being his annoying little brother who he loves, but not in any way other than friendship.

There was the other possibility, of course, though I was hoping it wouldn't happen. Gerard could get totally hung up on me, then realize he can never have me because we are brothers and I am straight, and then blow his brain against the wall like he's been thinking about doing the past few months. I can't let him die.

Gerard sits up and sighs quietly, looking at me sadly, “I'm so sorry I dragged you into my world of misery and sorrow. You deserve a girl who can produce children for you and love you properly. A girl who isn't broken and full of half-emotions and paranoia. A girl who would love you and be allowed to love you. A girl who isn't me.”

I hate that he does this. He thinks the reason I don't love him back is because he isn't worthy, when really its the two major reasons listed above (if you missed it, we're brothers, and I'm straight.)

There really seemed to be no way to convince Gerard he was an awesome person, too. He just needed to learn to be less afraid of people. That's one of the things he always said he admired in me.

~

Gerard:

I like the night. It gives me a time when, rather than being forced to do one or the other, I have a choice of whether or not to think about my life. Right now, I distract myself by watching a young black cat lope across the intersection. She stops in the middle of the road, looks both ways, and keeps going.

I've never understood cats. They are mysterious creatures that have minds and reasons of their own. Everything a cat does seems to make sense in the mind of the cat, because theses are clever creatures that tend to get their way.

I wish I was a cat, a creature capable of fleeing its problems and curling itself into a tiny ball when afraid. I think it'd be nice to have the claws, too, but that isn't the real reason why. Cats are the creatures who survive in the wild most often. Cats are the creatures that stalk and pounce. But enough about that, they are just tiny animals I am jealous of, but I also admire.

The black cat reached the other side of the street, when, without warning, a massive dog appears from the shadows. It leaps for the cat. While the dog is bid and clumsy, the cat is lean and agile, and if she had listened to her flight instincts, she would have evaded the creature's attack. Instead, she tried to fight it, but was quickly engulfed in the creatures jaws.

I felt the tears come as the dog broke her spine and shook the cat's lifeless body back and forth. What kind of world was this, where an innocent creature is killed with no mercy by a creature so much stronger than itself. Was this a sign? Could it mean I would fall to the emotions I was so helpless too? Would these feelings I wasn't supposed to be feeling be the end of me?

Of course. The very reality I had come outside to escape seemed keen on following me and forcing me to face it. I couldn't run from this. But what would I do now that he not only knew, but had accepted the fact? What if he let it slip to our mother? They wouldn't spare me, I'd be off to military school or some shit like that, and I don't think I'd survive that long in a place like that without him.

The dog had dropped the cat's body and retreated. Tears still blurring my eyes, I walked across the street, picked up the tiny, ravaged body, and headed deep into the trees to bury the tiny life.