Heaven Help You
Those Thoughts Inside
He woke on a mattress. It wasn't soft like his own, but a bit stiff, thin, and covered in plastic. He didn't like it. It reminded him of the beds he had slept on at the camps he had went to as a child. He knew why he was here though. They thought he was crazy. He should be in jail, but they had put him here instead. They had thrown him away.
Good for them.
He lay on the uncomfortable mattress and wondered what to do. The thought of getting up and moving around anyone else that might be outside was a terrifying thought. It was one that he knew he wasn't ready to face. He would probably never be able to face it. He knew himself too well for that. He couldn't face anyone. They would never forgive him after all and he was never going to forgive himself. It wasn't a question of if and when, it was more a question of when he would die. He was too afraid to kill himself and even if he had the strength, they wouldn't let him.
A knock came at the door and he jumped before it opened to reveal a larger woman with a more stern-looking face that softened when she saw him staring at her with wide eyes. Didn't she know what a bad person he was? Didn't she knew that he wasn't someone you pitied, he was someone you hated with all your heart? He should tell her, but he knew that if he spoke...he just knew something bad would happen again.
"Well c'mon, you might as well get up. They're getting ready to serve lunch." He didn't move. Instead he continued watching the nurse who sighed. "That's right, you're that one," she said with a nod. That one? What one? Was there another one like him? Was this a place of those? How could anyone survive a place like that! It should be burned! Maybe he would do that in the night. He would burn it and end the pain for everyone. But then more innocents would die and he would be more guilty. He groaned kicking one leg.
"Hush that now," the nurse said shaking her head. "Let's get you up and at least out of this room of yours. That mattress won't do much but make you a cripple." Me wanted to agree, but that meant speech. His fingers began to tap on his leg slowly as she took one arm. Had she washed her hands? Had she used lotion after? What kind of lotion? Would he be allergic to it? Would her hands bruise his wrist in their firm grip? Would he care?
Two. One. Three. Two. One. Three.
The pattern played slowly on his leg, never faltering even as his body was lifted from the bed and he was placed on his feet. He should have helped her. Yet another thing he had managed to fail at. He was good at failing. Why they kept him around was still a great mystery to him. "Alright, you want to walk out on your own or do you want me to walk with you?" she asked. He didn't move. He just continued stair straight where his head pointed. It was a spot around the bottom of the door, not quite to the floor, but almost there. "Now c'mon son, you know you can't not talk forever," the woman said wrapping her arm around him as she began to guide him forward. His feet moved without protest, sliding across the floor to guide him forward.
"Hey Da-" a young woman stopped midword as she opened the door. She had really nice shoes he noticed. They weren't slippers like he expected but actual shoes. He liked them. He shouldn't like them though. When he liked he did bad things. He couldn't do anymore bad things or they would blame him more. The speed of the tapping increased.
Two, one, three, two, one, three.
"You must be the new guy," the same voice, gentle, friendly. Didn't she know what he had done? Didn't she know he was evil. She should stay away from him. He might come to like her shoes too much. Then he would like her. And then he would hurt her and he didn't want that. A small mewling sound came from his throat and the tapping grew more rapid.
Two one three two one three.
"I think you better go for now Renee," the nurse advised softly. The pretty shoes retreated from his vision and he felt bereft and a little more lost than usual. "And why don't you stay in here today sweetheart. We'll bring you food later."
They shouldn't bring him food at all. He needed to die. Everyone told him so.
The nurse moved away and closed the door leaving him alone. The tapping began to calm.
Two, one, three, two, one, three. Two, one, three. Two, one, three. Two. One. Three. Two. One. Th....
Good for them.
He lay on the uncomfortable mattress and wondered what to do. The thought of getting up and moving around anyone else that might be outside was a terrifying thought. It was one that he knew he wasn't ready to face. He would probably never be able to face it. He knew himself too well for that. He couldn't face anyone. They would never forgive him after all and he was never going to forgive himself. It wasn't a question of if and when, it was more a question of when he would die. He was too afraid to kill himself and even if he had the strength, they wouldn't let him.
A knock came at the door and he jumped before it opened to reveal a larger woman with a more stern-looking face that softened when she saw him staring at her with wide eyes. Didn't she know what a bad person he was? Didn't she knew that he wasn't someone you pitied, he was someone you hated with all your heart? He should tell her, but he knew that if he spoke...he just knew something bad would happen again.
"Well c'mon, you might as well get up. They're getting ready to serve lunch." He didn't move. Instead he continued watching the nurse who sighed. "That's right, you're that one," she said with a nod. That one? What one? Was there another one like him? Was this a place of those? How could anyone survive a place like that! It should be burned! Maybe he would do that in the night. He would burn it and end the pain for everyone. But then more innocents would die and he would be more guilty. He groaned kicking one leg.
"Hush that now," the nurse said shaking her head. "Let's get you up and at least out of this room of yours. That mattress won't do much but make you a cripple." Me wanted to agree, but that meant speech. His fingers began to tap on his leg slowly as she took one arm. Had she washed her hands? Had she used lotion after? What kind of lotion? Would he be allergic to it? Would her hands bruise his wrist in their firm grip? Would he care?
Two. One. Three. Two. One. Three.
The pattern played slowly on his leg, never faltering even as his body was lifted from the bed and he was placed on his feet. He should have helped her. Yet another thing he had managed to fail at. He was good at failing. Why they kept him around was still a great mystery to him. "Alright, you want to walk out on your own or do you want me to walk with you?" she asked. He didn't move. He just continued stair straight where his head pointed. It was a spot around the bottom of the door, not quite to the floor, but almost there. "Now c'mon son, you know you can't not talk forever," the woman said wrapping her arm around him as she began to guide him forward. His feet moved without protest, sliding across the floor to guide him forward.
"Hey Da-" a young woman stopped midword as she opened the door. She had really nice shoes he noticed. They weren't slippers like he expected but actual shoes. He liked them. He shouldn't like them though. When he liked he did bad things. He couldn't do anymore bad things or they would blame him more. The speed of the tapping increased.
Two, one, three, two, one, three.
"You must be the new guy," the same voice, gentle, friendly. Didn't she know what he had done? Didn't she know he was evil. She should stay away from him. He might come to like her shoes too much. Then he would like her. And then he would hurt her and he didn't want that. A small mewling sound came from his throat and the tapping grew more rapid.
Two one three two one three.
"I think you better go for now Renee," the nurse advised softly. The pretty shoes retreated from his vision and he felt bereft and a little more lost than usual. "And why don't you stay in here today sweetheart. We'll bring you food later."
They shouldn't bring him food at all. He needed to die. Everyone told him so.
The nurse moved away and closed the door leaving him alone. The tapping began to calm.
Two, one, three, two, one, three. Two, one, three. Two, one, three. Two. One. Three. Two. One. Th....