Lovers Lost In Space, Just Searching For Our Saving Grace

I knew I was going to regret this. But at the moment it happened, I couldn’t have cared less. Everything hurt too much. I almost don’t know how to describe it.

It’s like everything was crashing down on me all at once. Like it was all in a perfect little bottle and all of the sudden somebody smashed the bottle. Then everything crashed to the floor, free from my head, to wreak havoc on everything. Then I couldn’t stop crying. And I just didn’t fucking know. I still don’t know.

I just want everything to be okay again.. But it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to be okay. And I’m just really fucking scared. Because after everything that happened, I don’t know how we can go back to that. It’s gone. He’s gone.

I was curled up on my bed, hiding under the comforter. Mostly from Autumn’s questions, but also in an attempt to hide from my own head. Which, obviously, isn’t exactly very possible. But to my screwed up head, it felt reasonable at the time.

My wrist was burning, but it wasn’t exactly an unwelcome feeling. I needed to feel that pain, I deserved it. I’m the one that screwed this up after all. Tristan definitely didn’t.

I sighed to myself, hugging my pillow to my chest and burying my face in it. My mom’s footsteps were heading down the hall, and I instinctively shut my eyes. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I never did when I was in the mood.

Except to Tristan, a small voice whispered traitorously in the back of my mind. A small whimper escaped my mouth, and I bit my lip hard to keep from doing it again. Shut up! The same voice yelled in the jumbled mess of my mind, cutting through the chaos to my core.

I held myself still, barely, when I heard the door open. The lack of a sharp thud on the ground told me it was Autumn, coming to check on me as usual. She by me, pulling the comforter down below my head. I concentrated on staying calm, hoping she fell for the act.

She brushed my bangs out of my face gently, then continued to run her hands through my hair. “You’re so strong Danny,” she said quietly. That’s what you think, Autumn, I thought darkly, guiltily.

“I know you’re strong. But you’re so vulnerable.. And I can’t do anything to help, and God, it breaks my heart.” She sighed, a soft, sad tone to it. It took all my willpower to keep my act of sleeping together.

“And I know you still love him, sweetie.. I know you do. You were perfect for each other.. Still are. Because it’s going to get better, I promise Danny. You two are always going to come running back to each other, no matter what. Because that‘s just the way you two are. You love each other too much not too.”

I curled up closer to her, keeping the motion slow so I still appeared asleep. I needed to be closer to her, my angel of a little sister. She ran her hands through my hair again gently, ever so gently, as Autumn always was. “I’ve got you Danny, don’t worry,” she said softly.

Her next action took me by surprise when it happened, but I realized I should’ve seen it coming. She laid down behind me carefully, where she continued to stroke my hair softly. “I’ve got you..” she repeated herself again quietly.

I bit my lip when my face was out of her line of sight. I didn’t want her to find out what I’d done, not after that. But, her gentle motion of playing with my hair was putting me to sleep, so my worries were fading as my conscious mind began to fade into sleep.

The last thing I felt was Autumn’s hands in my hair, the last thing I heard was her soft breathing in my ear. And as always, I thanked God I had an angel for a sister. I didn’t think I’d make it without her. Probably would’ve never made it this far in the first place.