With a Delicate Soul, I Don't Claim to Know Much

Sitting at the table of my parents house, I picked at my salad quietly.

"The wedding plans coming along?" My Dad asked.

I nodded, "Yeah, we're basically done, just a bunch of last minute stuff before next week." I mumbled.

"Honey, are you ok?" He went on.

I looked up at him, "Yeah, why wouldnt I be?"

"You just look so ... down."

"No." I laughed shaking my head, "I'm tired, cant keep anything down, I'm nervous I guess. About the wedding."

He nodded agreeing with me, "Thank you for being here with me, Mom really needed to go to California for you aunt, I didnt want to have a stranger here, looking after me."

"Daddy, dont thank me." I smiled, "What are daughter's for?"

"Gray hair." He joked.

I rolled my eyes then put my fork down and sipped my diet pepsi. I looked over at him as he continued to eat his dinner that I cooked, "Daddy?"

He looked at me for a second, "huh?" He asked.

I licked my lips, "I ... Daddy, I'm pregnant."

He looked back at me with wide eyes, "What?" He smiled.

"Gabe and I didnt want to share the news until after the honeymoon and after we were married, but something doesnt feel right."

He looked at me, "What do you mean, Honey it's morning sickness."

I shook my head, "I'm going on 10 weeks, and it just ... my body, it doesnt feel right.'

He frowned at me, "have you been pregnant before?"

"No, but ... I just think there is something wrong. When Gabe got home I was fine, getting used to the idea and everything seemed normal, then about three days ago, I feel weak, sick, tired, Daddy, I think I may be losing the baby." I paused, "I think I'm having a miscarriage."

He just looked at me, with his kind fatherly eyes. He looked confused, "Why havent you told Mom, or Gabe?"

I bit my lip, "I cant tell Gabe, not yet. And Mom, she would analyze it down to the very last detail. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor, I want you to come."

He just stared at me, still with a confused look.

"You know, no matter how old I get, I will always perfer you over anyone else when I'm sick."

He nodded. I was a Daddy's girl, always have been. When I was little my Mom would over think things, and my Dad, he was laid back, he didnt take me to the hospital everytime I had a stomach ache, he would sit in his easy chair, wrap me up in my blanket and hold me all afternoon, well into the night, until I felt better or well enough to be alone.

He was more comforting, and my Mom always worried, I'm she was comforting too, but she made it seem like I was going to die everytime I got the flu.

Gabe, he comforts me, he's really good with me while I'm sick, but this time I just want to be with my Dad.

"Honey, you do know, if you have ... lost the baby, that it's not your fault, it's not gabe's, it just happened. Sometimes things just happen. You're young and you can still get pregnant again."

I nodded, "I know. It's just this pregnancy, it wasnt planned it was very out of the blue, Gabe and I have just accepted it, and now it might be getting ripped away from us."

"Have you shopped for the baby yet?"

"No, I wanted to, but Gabe wants to find out what we're havng before we buy anything." I sighed softly, "Daddy, how can I tell Gabe at a time like this, he seems happy and up beat, but he's under stress, the wedding, the recording of the new CD, my pregnancy, looking for an apartment, this is all ... too much."

He reached over and took my hand, "It's going to be ok."

I just shrugged as I looked at him, then back down at my food. Not only am I having cramps, feeling weak and sick, I feel ... lonely. Since I found out that I was pregnant, even when I was sad and tried to deny it, I never felt lonely. I never felt like I was alone, I knew my baby was growing, but now I feel alone. It's just an unsettling feeling, I havent been able to sleep, not even when I'm in Gabe's tight protective hold at night.

"Go take a nap, or a bath or something ... I'll clean up." My Dad said softly.

"No, I came here to take care of you, I can clean up." I stood up and started to clear the table, "And you need to do your evening things or whatever they are." I pointed out, giving he's still in physical rehab from the accident. He walks with a cane, and sometimes he'll fall, doing something that he used to do, but cant do now because of the injury.

He sighed but said nothing.

After I cleaned up, I went upstairs and changed into my PJ's before crawling into my childhood bed. Laying on my back, I looked around, nothing has changed, my parents kept my room exactly how I had it before I left for the city. They live just outside the city, so you get that small town feel, but the city is on the horizon, just a drive away.

Quietly, there was a knock on my door. I looked up to see Gabe. I frowned, "Papi, what are you doing here?"

He smiled as he walked in and shut the door, "I told you,I dont like the hotel suite, makes me feel like a tourist in my own town." He pointed out, "and I didnt want to be alone tonight, I have a weird feeling in my gut, like something is gonna go wrong. Anticipation." He paused as he looked around, "You know, I have only been in here once, and you yelled at me for coming in." He laughed as he walked to the dresser and opened it up, looking around in it, "Hiding something from me, Senorita?"

I shook my head, "No, I was shy." I sat up and watched him. He held up an old bra of mine and looked at it, "Wow, not so sexy." He laughed.

"Gabe, I havent lived here since I was 18." I paused, "I was a late bloomer, my boobs got bigger after highschool."

He put it back down then held up a condom, "Doin the nasty?"

I looked at it, then looked at my bed, remembering all the nights I shared with Josh in here. I made a face.

"Does the silence mean yes?' Gabe turned to me.

I nodded.

He laughed as he tossed the condom back in the drawer and shut the door. He sat down, "Is this where my little virgin Kacie learned to touch herself?" He kissed my lips softly.

I nodded again.

"Thinking about me?"

"I didnt know you." I laughed as I pushed him.

He shrugged, "Are you telling me you never dreamed about a tall, jewish man like myself?"

I shook my head.

He growled, 'How dare you." He joked as he gave me another kiss, then frowned, "what's up?" he caressed my face, "you ok?"

I shrugged, "I dont know."

His playful eyes turned to serious in less than a second, "Kacie, babe what's wrong?"

I bit my lip, "I think I'm having a miscarriage."

He frowned, "are you bleeding?"

I shook my head, "No, but I just dont feel right, and I'm cramping. There's something wrong, Gabe."

He sighed, then hugged me, "When's the doctors appointment?"

"Tomorrow." I whispered against his shoulder.

He rocked me a bit then kissed my forehead, "We'll find out then."

I backed away, "What ... what if I am?" I asked, "Or what if it isnt the baby, and it's me?" I added, "Like, what if I'm sick, and the baby is fine?"

"Dont talk lke that.' He demanded as he hugged me more.

"I'm scared."

He nodded, "I know."

I looked at him and he kissed my lips, "I'm going to go move a couple of boxes for your Dad, I told him I just wanted to come up, tell you I'm here," He gave me another loving kiss, "I'll be back up."

"Take your time." I whispered.

he gave me one more kiss then got up, leaving the room, leaving the door open. I got up, and looked through my dresser, to get my mind off of things. In my third drawer down was where I kept all of my personal ... things that I didnt want my parents to find. Condoms, lubricant, I got my first vibrator when I was 17, that was kept in here too. I opened the drawer and all that was in there was a pair of jeans and a few condoms, but that was it. There's probably condoms hidden all over this room.

Back in highschool, i was very sexually active with Josh, at least five times a week. Things were so carefree and different back then. I mean, as much as I love Gabe, I wouldnt have wanted to know him in highschool, he seemed like a ... jerk. He wasnt grown up, to some extent, he isnt now, but relationship wise, he's ready.

I closed the drawer then looked around my room before walking out of the room and downstairs. I laid on the couch in the living room, where my fiance and father were no where to be found.

"Pops, it's not going to fit in this closet." Gabe said simply, "I'll go put it in the garage."

"Ok, just be careful with it, it has a bunch of glass in it."

"I got it, Pops ... shouldnt you be in your chair, doing your stretches?" Gabe questioned.

"hey, who's older me or you?" My dad snapped.

"I'm just saying," Gabe mumbled then the garage door opened. The house went quiet, then minutes later I heard both of them come back in, my dad limped in then sat in his chair with a loud sigh, "I thought you were in bed?"

"No." I mumbled.

Gabe walked in with a smile as he looked at me then looked at my Dad, "Pops, I'm gonna raid your fridge." He said simply, "Got any beer?"

"I do." My Dad answered, "Help yourself."

"Nice." Gabe said, disappearing into the kitchen. My Dad turned the TV on then flipped through the channels. Gabe walked back in with a beer, and a bag of chips, "That's dinner?" I asked.

He shook his head, "No, I had a burrito on the way here, I just want a snack." He touched the cold bottle tomy ankle, "Lift your feet, Senorita."

I lifted my feet and he sat down before I placed my feet in his lap.

Hours passed as Gabe and my Dad watched a baseball game and a few late night talk shows, before my Dad went up to bed.

"Are we sleeping on the couch?" he asked.

I nodded.

He tugged his shirt over his, took his watch off, and his belt before laying behind me, so I was closest to the edge. As he laid down, he slid his hand up the front of my shirt, as I tugged the blanket up. He kissed my neck softly as his hand slowly fondled with my chest.

I leaned back into him then turned around to kiss him. He kissed back, but it wasnt hot passionate kissing, it was tender, comforting, loving. He pulled away and smiled, "Tomorrow, if ... if you arent carrying the baby anymore, we can always try again, on our honeymoon, you dont have to go back on birthcontrol, I'll use condoms until we're ready." He kissed me, "Ok?"

"This ... isnt fair."

"I know." He kissed my nose.

I turned around so I was completely facing him, then found his zipper on his pants. I unzipped it, then unbuttoned the pants before pushing them down. He laughed softly, "What are you doing?"

"taking your pants off." I miumbled as he kicked his pants off. I tangled my bare legs with his. He gave me another kiss then pressed his forehead to mine, starting to sing softly, in spanish. His voice was quiet and deep, giving me comfort and a sense of safetey.

Closing my eyes I tried not to think about tomorrow, but only Gabe's voice. I know that I'm not carrying the baby anymore, I just have that feeling. But tomorrow, we'll know for sure.

------------------------

Sitting in the office of my doctor, I stared at his desk. Gabe was sitting next to me, and my Father decided to stay home for this.

My doctor walked and sat down. He sighed, "Kacie, you were right ... you did miscarry."

I just looked at him as Gabe reached over, taking my hand in his.

"I'm your uterus hasnt completed the miscarriage, so I'm going to go wash up, and my nurse will take you into an exmaining room, get you changed and I'm going to perform a simple procedure, to remove some tissue."

I nodded a little bit, "Ok."

"Gabe, you can come along too." He insisted as he stood up.

I stood up as well, Gabe followed our actions and we were led out of the office, down the hall and a nurse took us into a room. She gave me a paper like gown, and left the room so I could change. Gabe took my clothes from me, folding them neatly before placing them on a chair. I got on the bed like table, and sat there. Having prepared for the miscarriage, I knew it.

Gabe looked sad, let down and simply depressed. Loudly, his phone rang and he answered it quickly, "Hey Ry, I'm at the doctors I'm gonna have to call you back." He paused, "Alright, later." he hung up and turned his phone off, he looked at me, "Sorry, I forgot to turn it off."

I just shook my head a bit. He leaned over and pressed his lips to my temple, "I'm so sorry senorita." He sniffled a little, "I know it hurts."

I looked up at him, "Dont cry." I begged.

He nodded, but he still looked like he was about to cry anyway. I hugged him tightly then pulled away when the doctor walked in. As I laid back, Gabe held my hand and I just felt miserable.

Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to us?