Live With No Regrets

Dani thought she woke me up, but I had just been laying in bed thinking this morning. I was in total shock. How could I have been so cruel? Nick had a reason to act the way he did, and I would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes.
She shook my shoulders gently, and I groaned. My eyes were open but I was facing the wall and glass door that was only five feet away, allowing the sun to shine through. Dani was on the other side of the bed. It's such a close walk....If only I could get my fat feet out of this bed, and on my way to Nick....If only.
Eventually I sighed and realized I didn't have the guts to face him right now. If I did, the only thing I would end up doing would be sobbing at his feet before even saying anything.
Realizing I had only gone to the end of the bed in ten minutes, I stomped up and headed for the door, through the now clean and organized room. Time had become abundant for me.
Dani was downstairs, surprisingly standing over the stovetop, when my bare feet hit the cold, hard tile. I asked her what she was doing, and she said Matt gave her permission to cook some pancakes. Odd hobby, I thought.
Unknowingly I sat down next to the mentioned older brother and stared off into the distance. I wasn't thinking, really, just biting my lip. He knew not to ask about my weird mood swings lately. Matt was better off not knowing.
My hand ran though my silky blonde hair and over my face to try to get me to wake up out of my unconsciousness. It didn't work out to well.
Happily, with her nonstop cheerful mood, Dani skipped over to the non-morning people and placed a plate of syrup-filled pancakes in front of each of us. We said our thanks to her, and then she joined us too. Every once and a while I would nod to act like I was still in the conversation that was changing subjects left and right, but I was still in a daze. I couldn't think straight. I felt like I really, really needed to go over and apologize to Nicholas, but at the same time my knees would get like Jello if I even thought about it. This was going to be harder than I thought. Dani said that he had been through so much with his broken heart from his ex girlfriend, but she also said that I was the only one who made him happy. And I just went and shot him in the face..... What a jerk.
But wait....What about Joe? .... We had something, right?
I thought and thought about him, even after Dani had left to go see a movie with Kevin, and I had finally came up with an answer.
Screw him.
He could get any lady he wanted, and at the same time so did Nick, but I felt more an attraction to Nick. Not in looks, but in personality, and character.
I also felt like Nick needed me....And in a way....I needed him.
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Around five I had decided to go for a walk around the island. All the nearby lakes and the beach were just so beautiful before a rain. (I had watched part of the news this morning.)
I was strolling through one of my many known paths along the opposite side of the island. There were green trees surrounding the big lake I was sitting along the edge of, birds flying high in the sky, and the thunder rolling in. I had guessed it would hit me in about thirty minutes or so. In other words, these moments were probably my favorite.
My smile appeared for the first time today, a real one, when the wind whispered through the branches of the luscious trees, with the Spanish moss hanging in the air. Florida was the best.

The last pebble that I could find to throw in the freshwater lake skipped four times and eventually sunk to the bottom. And I sighed, content, after a long, hard day of confusing thoughts, painful memories, and mistakes I had made in the past...So, so many of them.
And as I had thought, I remembered everyone that was involved, seemed to give me a second chance. At that I was disgusted with myself about how I had acted.
But finally, finally, I could enjoy one moment of this day. My hands and butt on my jeans got dry dirt all over them from sitting down, but I couldn't care less. This day, I was going to enjoy, no matter what.

I laid there by the lake for however long it took for the storm to blow in, and after it did, I ran for the cover under the trees. The lightning wasn’t too bad, to my luck, because I forgot about that. I began to think of my life, before this summer, when I was still dating Zack… What did I have with him, anyways?
It honestly felt like a numb feeling now. My heart never skipped a beat or racked against my ribs when I was with him… I never lost my breath or got nervous… He wasn’t anything to me now that I thought about it. I felt the same with him as I did with any other guy friends. He was just a friend, if that. I always debated on whether I could trust him or not… Is that normal?
I began to cry, just thinking of how many years and heartaches I wasted with him. I couldn’t get that time back.

I sat there for who knows how long, until Matt found me in the dark, late that night, almost asleep in the middle of the road. He had been out looking for me under an umbrella with a flashlight. He walked me home.
I took a cold shower and crawled back into my bed, not wanting to recall the realization part of my life that just happened. Honestly, I wasn’t crying over Zack. I was upset because of the time I wasted, thoughts I can’t take back, let alone actions I can’t take back.
After a long hour of staring at the plain wall in front of me with a horrified look, I finally decided that was enough. I had held back in my life, wasting my time on Zack. Life is for making mistakes, loving, and caring. I had done none of those, in spite of him.
I hadn't cared. Sure, I would act, but it wasn't real.
I hadn't loved. Well, I do love, but I hold back.
And making mistakes.....I would watch what I did before I did it, and I would always be scared of failure and his judgment. But that's not what I needed to do. I needed to make more mistakes, although that sounds retarded, I believed with all my heart that it was true.
But I don't need to regret what I have done.
I need to live with no regrets.
A sigh broke out and I shoved my hands into my pockets of my sweat pants, thinking of him. Nick.
I needed to make mistakes with him, love him, and even care for him. I felt like I needed to do everything with him. For him.
He was driving me insane. My calm, humble self had disappeared, and was replaced by an insane lover, desperately searching for the reason in life.
What shocked me though was how his family had said he was happy, but only after he met me. Me? And I had only spent a day with him, and he wanted to be my neighbor....Maybe I'm not the only crazy one.
Unknowingly, I had strolled out of my bed and ended up with one hand on the handle to slide my glass door open. I didn't fight the urge to open it.
It slid open one inch, now two, until I gasped and jerked my hand away from it.
My head looked at the clock on the wall, and it read 3:43 am. Someone was outside on Nick's porch strumming a guitar at 3:43 am in the morning?
I had gasped instantly because I was worried they had heard me, and that they might stop. The door stood a mere two inches open, but I pressed my ear against the cold glass, and looked out into the pitch black darkness to see nothing in front of me.
Quietly, a voice joined in with the beautiful strumming of the guitar. I recognized the old song and Nick's marvelous voice, even with the ocean wind blocking most of the sound waves from reaching my ear.
His fingers moved across the guitar slower than they were supposed to, making the song a slower tempo. A sadder and more depressed tempo.
Nick softly sung along with the chorus, and the words I couldn't hear, I sung along with in my head.
"Don't wanna fall asleep." He gulped, from what I could hear, and continued playing.
The rain had stopped and that added a perfect effect on this scene. What I love most is being outside after a storm, and right before it.

"Don't know if I'll get up." There was a long pause before he played the last chord of the song, and sang along with it. His vocal chords meshed with the guitar perfectly, and made my heart melt.
"And I don't want to cause a scene....But I'm." He spoke the last two words and laid his hand over the strings to stop the music from echoing, and I heard him sigh again.
I waited, and waited, but nothing. He didn't continue playing, although I was dying for him to.
Maybe....Just maybe...If I.....
No. I can't.
But nope, my body had a mind of it's own.
It had led me outside, and I turned to the right and looked at the back of Nick's curly head, through the darkness. He wasn't facing me, and he was laying down in a lay-out chair, with the guitar resting on his stomach. A beautiful sight. But at the same time, a sad, depressed one.
No, don't.....
I can't.......
I can still turn back and go inside, he hasn't seen me yet.......
No.

"Dyin' without your love." I sang without stopping myself. My professional singing voice rang throughout my ears, and mocked me.
Haha, you're singing!
Apparently it had startled Nick, too. I had sang louder than he had, because it was the bridge of the song.
"Miranda..." Nick turned around and faced me, with an ashamed look on his face. I cut him off, with the wave of my hand.
"Keep playing." I mumbled, but loud enough for him to hear.
He followed my instructions, and his hands went across the neck of the guitar, once again.
I kept a straight look on my face, and tried to focus on my breathing. My heart pounded through my chest, and I could of sworn it was going to break out and land on his lap.
The only thing that stood between us was the black, metal gate, separating each of the porches. I placed my hand on it, and leaned my weight against it, hoping it would disintegrate under my fingers so I could get my hands on the wonderful, and magnificent boy, now standing in front of me.
"Beggin' to hear your voice." Nick sang the melody perfectly and at the right pace now.
"Tell me you love me, too." I butt in.
"Cause I'd rather just be alone... If I..." Nick's eyes met mine in the darkness, and I didn't dare blink.

"Know that I can't have you...." Our voices together didn't crash, or scream together on this last note.....They meshed perfectly and went down with the guitar strumming on the last note of the song.

"Miranda...I-." Nick began but didn't know what to say.
I replaced the intense glare that I'd been giving him for the past week, for a caring and 'I'm sorry' look. He knew what I meant.
"I'm sorry Nick." I choked out. He was still looking at me with those big, brown eyes, and I thought I might faint. "I was being stupid."
"No, you weren't," Nick tried to protect me from my own words. But, again, I butt in.
"Yes, I was. I was over reacting. And I'm really, really sorry." Truthfully I spoke to him, and just prayed so hard that he would be okay with me. "Do you forgive me?"
"Of course." Nick smiled and continued to stare down at me. Slowly, he took the guitar out of his hands and placed it down on the ground, having the neck lean against one of the bars on the gate.
I smiled thankfully.

"You know....You have a really pretty voice." Nick commented casually.
I blushed and broke our gaze to look down. "Thanks..." I mumbled, and it was followed by some humor. "So do you....Has anyone ever told you?"
Nick chuckled and placed a hand under my chin to force me to look back up at him. "A few."
We laughed lightly together, and I noticed he tried to hold back a yawn. "You look tired."
He nodded and took his hand off my face to cover his mouth as he let the yawn escape.
After he was done, I quickly leaned in and placed a kiss on his right cheek.
Nick looked up at me surprisingly, and I smiled. I wasn't trying to mock him, but I just felt like I needed to secure tonight with something.

"Go get some sleep." I whispered, and he nodded.
We left each other, and went into our separate rooms for the night, without another word.
I sighed and shut the blinds over the door, and crawled back into bed and fell asleep easily, dreaming of Nicholas Jerry Jonas and how I had worked out things with him now, so we could move on together.
It was easier than I thought.
Dreaming of Nicholas Jerry Jonas is quite lovely.