Have You Ever Heard Me Scream 'I Love You'?
Inner Demons
Standing in the bathroom of the hotel room, I stared at myself blankly. My intoxicated mind had thoughts and ideas racing through it like never before.
I clinched my jaw as I tried to make sense of everything going on around me, but couldnt. I cant fully grasp my mind around any of it. Placing my hands on the cold, counter, there was a soft click sound.
My blue eyes shifted from the mirror to my left hand, where my ring finger graced a silver wedding band. I stood up straight and took my ring off and eyed it intently as I thought about Kayla and our marriage.
How does one know their ready for marriage? How does one know that they're even in love?
Things with Kayla have happened just like any fairytale would imagine. Bestfriends our entire lives, she was by myself through thick and thin, through my awkward highschool days when I was a nerd and got picked on. I've put so much stress on her, and I continue to do so, to this very day. But she takes it, and she holds her head high, proud that I'm her husband.
But, I bet she doesnt go around telling people her husband is an alcoholic that's addicted to viocdin and cant let a day go by without taking his xanax or otherwise he'll lose his fucking mind.
I bet she doesnt go around telling people that she used to witness her husband cut himself back in highschool, back when her husband was just a boyfriend. She doesnt tell people how destructive I am to myself. She keeps it a secret, not like she's ashamed or anything, but rather she doesnt want to answer the questions people will have like,
Why dont you stop him? Why do you let him take up to 15 vicodins a day? How can you just sit back and let him ruin his life? How could you trust such a violent man?
Those kind of questions.
Kayla knows I'd never lay a hand on her, I never have and I never will. She's the only person who can walk right up to me when I've had too much booze, take my cup away and tell me that's enough without me flipping out and screaming at them.
With all honesty, Kayla is my world. Her and my band are all I have to live for, without them I probably would've killed myself years ago.
When I asked Kayla to marry me, I didnt plan it, I didnt even have a ring, I just asked. It was very much in the moment, but I knew it was right I knew it was what I wanted. Just like asking her to be my girlfriend, that was very spur of the moment, we happened to be alone, she said something that made my knees weak, the next thing I knew I had myself a girlfriend. Little did I know at the time she would be my first and last girlfriend.
I lifted my head and stared at myself in the mirror once more, shaking my head I hated what I saw. I despise who I have become, who I let myself become. I practically live off of vicodin, without it, I'm a fucking wreck. Booze is the closest thing I have to a bestfriend most of the time. I have many chipped teeth from hitting myself with my mic everynight. My scars hold no true stories behind them except self-pity when I was coming down off of an ecstasy high. Though, I havent touched ecstasy in years.
"Sweetcheeks?" Kayla asked softly, knocking on the door, "You ok in there, you've been in there for almost an hour."
I arched my eyebrows not knowing I've been caught up in my thoughts that long. I slipped my ring back on, then unlocked and opened the door.
Standing there, in just one of my white button down shirts and nothing else, Kayla eyed me skeptically, "What's wrong?" She questioned.
"I'm just thinking." I informed her truthfully.
She walked in and wrapped her arms around my neck the best she could as she stood on her tippy toes, "are you too drunk to make love to me?"
I let my hands rest on her butt, carelessly and shook my head, "No." I whispered.
She made a face, "You smell like a sleazy bar." She smirked cutely.
I shrugged a little bit but said nothing.
She pushed some of my hair to the side and sighed, "Craig?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm worried about you," She whispered with a soft nod, "If things got too out of hand, you'd let me know right?" She asked softly, "You wouldnt take your life would you?"
I just stared at her, knowing that sometimes when I've had my whiskey, I cant control my actions, knowing that I become an entirely different person, "I hope I dont take my life." I whispered to her.
She cupped my face softly and she looked sad, "Dont make me live without you," She demanded, "I'm serious Craig. The only way I want you to die is of old age after we've had babies and grandbabies."
I nodded.
"For me, will you promise?"
"Promise what?"
"That you wont do something stupid and kill yourself."
"I promise." I whispered to her.
She smiled softly then let me go, "Brush your teeth please, I dont want to make love with you smelling like a STD filled pub."
I let a laugh escape my throat then nodded, "Ok." I followed her out of the bathroom then got into my bag, grabbing my toothbrush then got into her little hygene bag where our toothpaste is.
I stood up straight and looked at her laying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Her legs slightly open, I got a clear view of her intimates. Letting a smile tug on the corners of my lips I went back into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, pushing all my morbid thoughts to the back of my head, for the time being I just want to be with my wife, enjoy the love we have for each other, not think about my band, not think about the guys, not think about the pain I'm going to endure on the warped tour that's coming up, nothing, I just want to think of Kayla, and about starting our family.
I walked out of the bathroom, shutting the light off to see Kayla sitting up and waiting patiently for me. I smiled softly at her as I crawled onto the bed, "So," I whispered softly, "It's almost midnight." I said simply.
She nodded as she wrapped her arms around my neck once more before laying back, "Yes."
"Do we want to go fast or slow?"
"Slow." She answered me.
I nodded, "Lights on or off?"
"On."
I smirked before lightly touching my lips to hers, "Any big plans for tomorrow?" I questioned, "Our first real day here in sunny california?"
"Tyler and Gwen want to go to Disneyland," She informed me, "I kinda do too."
"Disneyland it is." I kissed her again. During the kiss, she let me go, then unbuttoned my pants, pushing them down as far as she could before leaving the rest of it up to me. I kicked them off, then my underwear was quick to follow.
Pulling out of the kiss, Kayla looked up at me with nothing but love deep in her eyes. I watched as her hands slowly unbuttoned the shirt she was wearing. Once all the buttons were unbuttoned, she shyly opened the shirt, like it was the first time she is exposing her naked body to me.
I admired her body, taking in it's every freckle and curve, even though I know every freckle and curve quite well. She pushed the shirt to the floor then wrapped her arms back around me. Without a word said, I pressed my lips to hers, locking us in a passionate, slow kiss as I pushed my erection into her slowy and deeply.
At this very moment, no one and nothing could break my mood of happiness and love.
Nothing.
--------------------------------------
Opening my eyes slowly, I felt Craig's arm around me protectivly. I turned my head towards him to see him already awake, "Good morning." I smiled.
He smiled back, "Morning."
"How long have you been up?" I questioned as I snuggled into him more.
"For about ten minutes, Tyler called," He made a face, "It's only fucking 7:30 and the kid is up, showered, and ready to go."
I laughed as I played with his hair, "He's just excited."
"I know it" He pulled me closer to him, "Last night was amazing," He said softly, "makes me wonder why we dont make love like that more often."
"Because, then we'd wonder why we dont have fast, rough fucks more often."
He laughed, "True."
"What was wrong with you last night, in the bathroom?" I asked, "You seemed, distant."
"I was just thinking about life. My life, and how out of control it's gotten."
"Oh."
"You dont feel treatened around me do you? Like, scared of me?"
"No," I shook my head, "Never," I shrugged, "I feel scared of what you might do to yourself, but never worried that you would ever hurt me."
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"Craig, no" I frowned, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just making sure."
"I love you. No matter what, I love you," I paused, "I will never stop loving you. And slowly, I hope to get you sober, but right now, I know that, that wont happen."
He kissed my lips softly, "I'd be lost without you."
"Me too."
He put his hand on my belly, "So, have you even thought about taking a home pregnancy test yet? Or have had your period?"
"No to both of those," I said with a smile, "I'm almost a week late, and I'm scared to take the test, I dont want to get my hopes too high, so I want to keep making love for another week or two before I decide to confirm a pregnancy or not."
He laughed cutely, "You are so strange, Sweetie."
"I know." I kissed his lips lovingly as I placed my hand on his chest, "We should get up and get ready. Go have some breakfast then go to Disneyland, it's gonna be an all day thing."
He nodded, "I know it is. I just want to lay here for a while longer." He whispered as he cuddled me, "Last night was very ... meaningful," He mumbled, "I feel vulnerable right now, and I'm kinda liking it."
"Aw," I kissed him once more, "You're such a cute boy."
He looked at me then rubbed his nose to mine, "If I had my way, we'd lay here all days, kisses and cuddles, order room service, and just block out the real world. Take some time to just chill, spend quality husband and wife time together."
"Well, we can do that." I reached over to the phone on the nightstand and dialed my brother's room number and waited.
"Hello?" Tyler asked.
"Hey, Tyler. I have a huge favor to ask you."
"What?" He questioned.
"We're here for seven days. Craig and I kinda want to spend today alone, locked up in our room. Can you and Gwen wait for Disneyland?"
"Yeah," He answered happily, "Tomorrow though, right?"
"Promise. Tomorrow we'll go to disneyland," I paused, "And tyler?"
"Yeah?"
"Stay in the hotel please. You have the money Dad gave you, use that at the arcade or the diner in the lobby, but dont leave the hotel, please."
"We wont. Call us if you two need anything."
I smiled, "Ok. Thank you."
"Mhm. Bye."
"bye." I hung up then looked at Craig, "We can lay in bed, kisses and cuddles all day now."
"Oh, you spoil me." He joked with a very cute smile as he hugged me to him once more.
"I know I do." I snuggled my head into the crook of his neck and closed my still tired eyes.
"Are you going to go back to sleep?"
I nodded against his shoulder.
"Ok," He kissed my forehead, "Hey Kaykay?"
"What sweetcheeks?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too." I mumbled as I grabbed his hand shyly and laced our fingers. He kissed my forehead again then started to hum a nameless tune.
I tangled my legs with his, and got lost in the moment as sleep slowly conquered my body once more. I smiled to myself softly as Craig started to sing, but I wasnt listening to the words, simply just the tone of his voice.
I dont think my life could get any better at this moment.
I clinched my jaw as I tried to make sense of everything going on around me, but couldnt. I cant fully grasp my mind around any of it. Placing my hands on the cold, counter, there was a soft click sound.
My blue eyes shifted from the mirror to my left hand, where my ring finger graced a silver wedding band. I stood up straight and took my ring off and eyed it intently as I thought about Kayla and our marriage.
How does one know their ready for marriage? How does one know that they're even in love?
Things with Kayla have happened just like any fairytale would imagine. Bestfriends our entire lives, she was by myself through thick and thin, through my awkward highschool days when I was a nerd and got picked on. I've put so much stress on her, and I continue to do so, to this very day. But she takes it, and she holds her head high, proud that I'm her husband.
But, I bet she doesnt go around telling people her husband is an alcoholic that's addicted to viocdin and cant let a day go by without taking his xanax or otherwise he'll lose his fucking mind.
I bet she doesnt go around telling people that she used to witness her husband cut himself back in highschool, back when her husband was just a boyfriend. She doesnt tell people how destructive I am to myself. She keeps it a secret, not like she's ashamed or anything, but rather she doesnt want to answer the questions people will have like,
Why dont you stop him? Why do you let him take up to 15 vicodins a day? How can you just sit back and let him ruin his life? How could you trust such a violent man?
Those kind of questions.
Kayla knows I'd never lay a hand on her, I never have and I never will. She's the only person who can walk right up to me when I've had too much booze, take my cup away and tell me that's enough without me flipping out and screaming at them.
With all honesty, Kayla is my world. Her and my band are all I have to live for, without them I probably would've killed myself years ago.
When I asked Kayla to marry me, I didnt plan it, I didnt even have a ring, I just asked. It was very much in the moment, but I knew it was right I knew it was what I wanted. Just like asking her to be my girlfriend, that was very spur of the moment, we happened to be alone, she said something that made my knees weak, the next thing I knew I had myself a girlfriend. Little did I know at the time she would be my first and last girlfriend.
I lifted my head and stared at myself in the mirror once more, shaking my head I hated what I saw. I despise who I have become, who I let myself become. I practically live off of vicodin, without it, I'm a fucking wreck. Booze is the closest thing I have to a bestfriend most of the time. I have many chipped teeth from hitting myself with my mic everynight. My scars hold no true stories behind them except self-pity when I was coming down off of an ecstasy high. Though, I havent touched ecstasy in years.
"Sweetcheeks?" Kayla asked softly, knocking on the door, "You ok in there, you've been in there for almost an hour."
I arched my eyebrows not knowing I've been caught up in my thoughts that long. I slipped my ring back on, then unlocked and opened the door.
Standing there, in just one of my white button down shirts and nothing else, Kayla eyed me skeptically, "What's wrong?" She questioned.
"I'm just thinking." I informed her truthfully.
She walked in and wrapped her arms around my neck the best she could as she stood on her tippy toes, "are you too drunk to make love to me?"
I let my hands rest on her butt, carelessly and shook my head, "No." I whispered.
She made a face, "You smell like a sleazy bar." She smirked cutely.
I shrugged a little bit but said nothing.
She pushed some of my hair to the side and sighed, "Craig?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm worried about you," She whispered with a soft nod, "If things got too out of hand, you'd let me know right?" She asked softly, "You wouldnt take your life would you?"
I just stared at her, knowing that sometimes when I've had my whiskey, I cant control my actions, knowing that I become an entirely different person, "I hope I dont take my life." I whispered to her.
She cupped my face softly and she looked sad, "Dont make me live without you," She demanded, "I'm serious Craig. The only way I want you to die is of old age after we've had babies and grandbabies."
I nodded.
"For me, will you promise?"
"Promise what?"
"That you wont do something stupid and kill yourself."
"I promise." I whispered to her.
She smiled softly then let me go, "Brush your teeth please, I dont want to make love with you smelling like a STD filled pub."
I let a laugh escape my throat then nodded, "Ok." I followed her out of the bathroom then got into my bag, grabbing my toothbrush then got into her little hygene bag where our toothpaste is.
I stood up straight and looked at her laying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Her legs slightly open, I got a clear view of her intimates. Letting a smile tug on the corners of my lips I went back into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, pushing all my morbid thoughts to the back of my head, for the time being I just want to be with my wife, enjoy the love we have for each other, not think about my band, not think about the guys, not think about the pain I'm going to endure on the warped tour that's coming up, nothing, I just want to think of Kayla, and about starting our family.
I walked out of the bathroom, shutting the light off to see Kayla sitting up and waiting patiently for me. I smiled softly at her as I crawled onto the bed, "So," I whispered softly, "It's almost midnight." I said simply.
She nodded as she wrapped her arms around my neck once more before laying back, "Yes."
"Do we want to go fast or slow?"
"Slow." She answered me.
I nodded, "Lights on or off?"
"On."
I smirked before lightly touching my lips to hers, "Any big plans for tomorrow?" I questioned, "Our first real day here in sunny california?"
"Tyler and Gwen want to go to Disneyland," She informed me, "I kinda do too."
"Disneyland it is." I kissed her again. During the kiss, she let me go, then unbuttoned my pants, pushing them down as far as she could before leaving the rest of it up to me. I kicked them off, then my underwear was quick to follow.
Pulling out of the kiss, Kayla looked up at me with nothing but love deep in her eyes. I watched as her hands slowly unbuttoned the shirt she was wearing. Once all the buttons were unbuttoned, she shyly opened the shirt, like it was the first time she is exposing her naked body to me.
I admired her body, taking in it's every freckle and curve, even though I know every freckle and curve quite well. She pushed the shirt to the floor then wrapped her arms back around me. Without a word said, I pressed my lips to hers, locking us in a passionate, slow kiss as I pushed my erection into her slowy and deeply.
At this very moment, no one and nothing could break my mood of happiness and love.
Nothing.
--------------------------------------
Opening my eyes slowly, I felt Craig's arm around me protectivly. I turned my head towards him to see him already awake, "Good morning." I smiled.
He smiled back, "Morning."
"How long have you been up?" I questioned as I snuggled into him more.
"For about ten minutes, Tyler called," He made a face, "It's only fucking 7:30 and the kid is up, showered, and ready to go."
I laughed as I played with his hair, "He's just excited."
"I know it" He pulled me closer to him, "Last night was amazing," He said softly, "makes me wonder why we dont make love like that more often."
"Because, then we'd wonder why we dont have fast, rough fucks more often."
He laughed, "True."
"What was wrong with you last night, in the bathroom?" I asked, "You seemed, distant."
"I was just thinking about life. My life, and how out of control it's gotten."
"Oh."
"You dont feel treatened around me do you? Like, scared of me?"
"No," I shook my head, "Never," I shrugged, "I feel scared of what you might do to yourself, but never worried that you would ever hurt me."
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"Craig, no" I frowned, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just making sure."
"I love you. No matter what, I love you," I paused, "I will never stop loving you. And slowly, I hope to get you sober, but right now, I know that, that wont happen."
He kissed my lips softly, "I'd be lost without you."
"Me too."
He put his hand on my belly, "So, have you even thought about taking a home pregnancy test yet? Or have had your period?"
"No to both of those," I said with a smile, "I'm almost a week late, and I'm scared to take the test, I dont want to get my hopes too high, so I want to keep making love for another week or two before I decide to confirm a pregnancy or not."
He laughed cutely, "You are so strange, Sweetie."
"I know." I kissed his lips lovingly as I placed my hand on his chest, "We should get up and get ready. Go have some breakfast then go to Disneyland, it's gonna be an all day thing."
He nodded, "I know it is. I just want to lay here for a while longer." He whispered as he cuddled me, "Last night was very ... meaningful," He mumbled, "I feel vulnerable right now, and I'm kinda liking it."
"Aw," I kissed him once more, "You're such a cute boy."
He looked at me then rubbed his nose to mine, "If I had my way, we'd lay here all days, kisses and cuddles, order room service, and just block out the real world. Take some time to just chill, spend quality husband and wife time together."
"Well, we can do that." I reached over to the phone on the nightstand and dialed my brother's room number and waited.
"Hello?" Tyler asked.
"Hey, Tyler. I have a huge favor to ask you."
"What?" He questioned.
"We're here for seven days. Craig and I kinda want to spend today alone, locked up in our room. Can you and Gwen wait for Disneyland?"
"Yeah," He answered happily, "Tomorrow though, right?"
"Promise. Tomorrow we'll go to disneyland," I paused, "And tyler?"
"Yeah?"
"Stay in the hotel please. You have the money Dad gave you, use that at the arcade or the diner in the lobby, but dont leave the hotel, please."
"We wont. Call us if you two need anything."
I smiled, "Ok. Thank you."
"Mhm. Bye."
"bye." I hung up then looked at Craig, "We can lay in bed, kisses and cuddles all day now."
"Oh, you spoil me." He joked with a very cute smile as he hugged me to him once more.
"I know I do." I snuggled my head into the crook of his neck and closed my still tired eyes.
"Are you going to go back to sleep?"
I nodded against his shoulder.
"Ok," He kissed my forehead, "Hey Kaykay?"
"What sweetcheeks?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too." I mumbled as I grabbed his hand shyly and laced our fingers. He kissed my forehead again then started to hum a nameless tune.
I tangled my legs with his, and got lost in the moment as sleep slowly conquered my body once more. I smiled to myself softly as Craig started to sing, but I wasnt listening to the words, simply just the tone of his voice.
I dont think my life could get any better at this moment.