Have You Ever Heard Me Scream 'I Love You'?

Sitting across from my Brother, I smiled, "So, is it serious?" I asked as I picked at my salad.

He shrugged slightly, "I suppose He mumbled then looked up at me, "I havent been to a bar in a month. I havent gotten drunk, in a month. But I've had sex almost every night in the last month."

I rolled my eyes, "So it's the sex?" I questioned.

"No. Actually, it isnt." He sipped his pepsi, "I mean, we never make it a point to have the sex, it just happens. And it's not rough, it's passionate. Kay, I think I'm falling in love."

"Aaron, it's ok to let yourself fall you know."

He rubbed his face, "I dont want to be whipped." He grumbled, his tattooed hands looking rough, and stained with motor oil from the motorcycles he makes.

"Defined whipped?" I questioned.

"Like I dont want to go to the store, having to pick up tampons," He said simply with a shrug as he picked up the last half of his burger and bit into it, "You know, I dont her to be putting candles all around my apartment, and I sure as hell dont want no toy sized dog."

I laughed, shaking my head, "You are a weird one." I smiled softly.

He gently kicked me under the table, "What's up with you, lately?" He asked, his mouth full, "How was the Disneyland trip?"

I shrugged, "it was good, but not really relaxing. I had one good day of nothing, then the rest of the time I was on the go," I yawned a little, "Craig and I just need to go somewhere, just the two of us. Techincally, this is his last real break until the holiday season," I mumbled, "He has a weekend here and there, but nothing where we can go out of town and relax."

"How is he?" Aaron mumbled softly, as if it was a secret.

"He's ok. Better than he was on tour, he just had a break down. He was confused I think, too much at once. But he's home right now, probably in his office, reading or on the internet," I paused, "He's as good as he's gonna get."

Aaron narrowed his eyes, "Is he still taking those painkillers?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, then nodded. His vicodin isnt a subject I like to talk about at all.

"He's not sober is he?"

I shook my head no, "No. but you would never guess that he wasnt, unless he's coming down off of a high, or he's hung over," I mumbled, "You know, I used to think it was just a tour thing, but when he's home he still takes them. Not as many, maybe two to four a day. Then he has his xanax, and his beer."

"Craig's a good guy," He nodded, "Complex, with deep a well of problems, but I like him a lot. Honestly, I wouldnt want you married to anyone else. But I'm worried about him."

"Yeah, tell me about it." I pushed my salad away, not wanting it anymore. I thought I'd get something lite, but Aarons burger is looking pretty good right about now.

"How are you?"

"Good," I smiled, "Pregnant." I said simply.

He looked at me with wide eyes and a smile, "really?"

I nodded, "yeah. Craig and I found out two nights ago."

He smiled more then shook his head, "are you ready for this?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I think I am."

He picked up his drink, taking a sip, "You and Craig planned this?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "After last time, I've been trying to keep the stress level down. And Craig isnt in the hospital this time around, so hopefully, we'll have a baby in nine months."

"And last time, it was your first pregnancy. The doctor said that a lot of first time pregnant women have miscarriages."

"Yeah," I reached over and stole a few of his fries, "Craig was happy, but I can see it that he's worried. He wont truly stop worrying until we have our baby in our arms, and even then he's going to worry."

"Dad know yet?"

"No," I answered softly, "I was going to tell him tonight," I stirred my ice around in my lemonade, "I think I found Mom."

"Kayla," he sighed shaking his head, "Why? Why do you do this to yourself?"

"I want to see her, Aaron," I insisted, "Maybe she's been looking for me too. And doesnt know that I changed my last name."

He made a face and shrugged, "Kayla, you shouldnt go snooping where you dont belong. If she wanted us in her life, she would've stayed."

"She's in Austin."

He looked at me, "Have you called her?"

"No. Not yet."

"Well, dont," he demanded, "I dont want you to get hurt. It's the last thing you need right now, especially since you're pregnant again. I'd hate to see you and Craig go through another miscarriage."

I fell quiet, dropping the subject. The rest of the lunch was just small talk.

Once lunch was over, I went home only to find Craig laying on the couch, his glasses on and a book in his hands, a gatorade on the coffee table next to him, along with an empty rice krispie wrapper.

I put my purse down in the recliner then looked at him. He peered at me over the top of his book then went back to reading, "What's wrong, babe?"

"aaron." I whispered as I kicked off my shoes, then laid on the couch with him, against the back of it, so he was on the edge.

He shifted a little, so I could get more comfortable then looked at me, "What'd he say."

"The same thing you and Daddy are saying. That I should just leave my mom alone." I grumbled.

He closed his book, then placed it on the floor next to him. He looked at me and played with my hair a little bit, "I think you should," he paused, "I dont want you hurt." He insisted.

"I know. I know. That's what everyone is saying." I rubbed his chest above his shirt, "I just want to see her."

He nodded but said nothing, knowing I wouldnt listen to him. I laid top of him and kissed his lips, "What were you reading?"

"Just a book." he whispered, his hands resting on my lower back.

I kissed him again and made it passionate, sliding my tongue passed his lips, until it touched his tongue, and he kissed back. I pulled away and he smiled up at me, "The doctor's office called, confirming your appointment tomorrow."

I nodded a little bit as I sat up, straddling his hips, "Craig?"

"What?"

"Do you think my Mom has a family of her own now?"

He nodded, "I do."

I looked over above our TV, and stared at our wedding picture, "You dont think she'll be happy to see me?"

"it's hard to say."

I fell quiet, saying nothing more on the subject. His soft hands moved onto my lower belly, under my shirt. I placed my hands on his and smiled down at him, "Are you happy?"

He nodded, "Extremely."

I looked at his hands, "I have a feeling that this time ... this time things are gonna work out for us."

He sat up, and wrapped his arms around me, "Me too." He whispered with me still in his lap.

I backed away a little so I could see his face, "I know you're gonna be gone a lot during this, but it'll be worth it."

He rubbed my sides, "During the fall, maybe you can tour with me for a while. I would want you out on warped with me, but that tour isnt the best tour to be pregnant on. And it's always so hot," He shook his head, "and I'm still not sure if we're in a bus or not, we may be in a van still."

I nodded, understanding, "Boy or girl?"

"Boy." he said simply.

"me too," I paused, "but I wouldnt mind having a girl either."

He smiled cutely, "I cant wait to see the baby bump all big," He paused, "to feel the baby kick. It's going to be amazing."

I cupped his scruffy face, "Craig?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

I caressed his face softly, before tangling my hands up in the back of his hair, pulling him into another deep kiss.

"Wanna go house looking tomorrow?" He said, falling short of breath as he backed away.

I nodded as I moved to his neck, kissing him softly.

He rubbed my back, "I think this baby will balance out my life more." He mumbled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I think this baby is going to change our lives for the better."

I backed away from him and looked back in his eyes, "are you going to sing lullabies?"

"Yeah," He smiled, "hell, I'll write one."

I hugged him, laying my head on his shoulder, "You're going to make a great Daddy."

"You think?"

"Yeah. I do, every kid is going to be jealous because they'll want a father like you."

He laughed, "I'd hate to let you down, but I dont think it's going to be like that."

I frowned, "If we have a son, I bet he's gonna want to be just like you. If we have a daughter, you're going to be her hero."

He shook his head but said nothing. After a good ten minutes, of just hugging he sighed softly, "I'm scared." He whispered shyly.

"me too."

"Like, what if you do have another miscarriage, or what if our baby doesnt like me?" He mumbled, "What if the baby is born with complications, and our medical bills sky rocket, and we're in debt and I have to end up getting a 9 to 5 just to make ends meet."

"It wont happen. Craig," I backed away, "I think we're going to be fine. Our marriage has been an uphill battle, I think its time that we have our share of good luck."

He shrugged then laid back. I laid down with him and cuddled into his side, straddling one leg over him, "We're going to be ok."

"Ok." He whispered.

I closed my eyes, "Now. I'm gonna take a nap right here with you. When I get up, let's look on the internet at houses."

"Alright," He kissed my forehead, "dream of me."

"Nah. I was thinking I'd dream about Ethan Hawke."

He laughed, "Oh, ok. Well, have good dreams about Ethan then." He kissed me again.

I nodded as I pushed my hand up the front of his shirt. Tracing his scar lightly, as I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.