Have You Ever Heard Me Scream 'I Love You'?
Go fix yourself.
Walking into my house, I shut the door quietly. Kicking off my shoes things felt different this time, coming home, knowing my son will be born in two days. Reaching into my bag, I took out a pill bottle then walked to the kitchen. Popping the cap off,I poured three white pills in my hands then grabbed a glass before turning on the water.
As I filled the glass, I lifted my other hand with the pills in it, to take them, but a soft hand stopped me. I looked next to me to see my wife with a pleading look on her face, quietly begging me not to. I tugged my arm around of her hand then put them in my mouth before downing them all with one gulp of water. Sadly she stared at me. I looked at her and my eyes landed on her baby bump. I rubbed it softly then kissed her forehead before walking away without a word.
I'm confused in my head right now, suddenly having regrets of getting Kayla pregnant, wishing that I was going to be a father in two days. I'm not ready to take care of a child, I can barely take care of myself. Taking the stairs slowly, I found myself at the nursery door. I pushed it open and just felt my heart quicken as I stared at how perfect everything is.
Slowly, I felt Kayla hug me from behind, but I simply stepped away from her. I glanced at her and she looked hurt, confused, maybe even lost. She was beautiful, she had no make up on, and looks like she hasnt showered yet today, but pregnancy it's a good look for her. She huffed, "Damn you." She whispered simply.
I just looked at her.
"Cant you just pretend you're ok, for the next few days?" She questioned with tears in her eyes.
I didnt respond to her, I just turned my head away. She said something, then left the room, shutting the door behind her. I havent seen her in two and half months, yet this time I dont find myself wanting to smother her in kisses. No, my fear of being a bad father have taken away from my lovey mood that i usually have when I get home from a tour.
Sitting down on the rocking chair, I ran my hands through my hair as my anxiety took over. Suddenly, I felt the pressure of everything and everyone. Before I came home, I had a sit down meeting with the label, though I love them there, they really stressed this upcoming record and how good they want it, how good everyone wants it.
Then I have Kayla, talking about Logan and how I'm going to be an amazing Dad to him. Well, I dont think I will be. Maybe I'm just too stressed, but right now it feels like I'm losing grip on my life, like I'm not the one who is controlling anything, the band, my marriage, my friendships. I need to be in control, I have to be, but as of lately I'm not. People are telling me what to do, everyone is wanting a piece of me in one way or another, whether it's a hug, or my songwriting, or both.
People are pushing and pushing and I just keep letting them. I'm drowning myself in booze and pills and I'm denying it. I live off of this stuff, if it wasnt for my pills and booze I would be insane, not that I'm sane now, but I'd be completely crazy if I didnt have this stuff, something kayla doesnt understand.
The nursery door opened and Kayla stood there, "I'm leaving."
I looked at her, "Ok."
"No. Craig ... I'm leaving." She repeated sternly, "As in, leaving you."
I just looked at her, "What?"
She was holding back tears, "I cant do it. You come in here, and you act this way, I just wanted to be close for these last few days and look at you, you're taking pills and pushing me away. I cant do it anymore, I just cant." She shook her head, "I want you there when I have Logan ... I need you there. But I cant stay here anymore."
"Are you divorcing me?" I asked with a worried voice, afraid that I'm going to lose the only girl that I have truly cared about.
"I dontknow yet, but I stay here." She informed me, "I love you Craigery, I love you so damn much, but I dont deserve this, I dont deserve to be pushed away, to be ignored, to be put on the back burner of your life because you can handle what you wanted, because you cant man up to your fears. You hide behind your pills and your booze, and ... and your books, lately you've become distant. I havent spoken to you in two weeks. You have avoided my calls you havent called me, you didnt answer my e-mails or texts, nothing, for two weeks I have been worried sick about you. This isnt a way for a marriage to survive."
She took a step closer, "Fix yourself Owens, get better, get everything together, then we can work on our problems, but we cant start until you fix yours."
I was dumbfounded, completely shocked. This came out of left field, completely unpredicted, right?
Gently, kayla gave me a kiss, whispered that she really wants me at the birth of our son then left with a quiet I love you but I have to go. As I stood there, I didnt feel my legs trying to run after her, or my voice try to call after her, I was frozen. Did I really bring this upon myself? So I havent spoke to her in two weeks, I was busy with the band, with meeting fans, with meetings with the label, doing interviews, photoshoots and filming a music video for "Baby you wouldnt last a minute on the creek" maybe I did force Kayla to do this.
Finally finding it in me to move, I walked out of the nursery and noticed at the house was empty. Tyler, Gwen, Natalie ... everyone gone. Loudly, I heard a cat meow. I looked down to see mister at my feet rubbing against my leg, then Miss hurried to me, meowing as well.
"She takes everyone else, but you two?" I asked softly then sighed as I started the stairs, "well, I guess its just the three of us." I mumbled, "I think I really fucked up this time around," I mumbled as I went into the kitchen. I managed to feed the cats before grabbing a beer and leaning against the counter top.
Slowly, I felt the pills kick in, numbing my pain. I took a swig of my beer as I let my tears slowly fall. I truly did fuck this one up and I dont know if I can fake my way out of this, this time, because ... I'm ok. I have problems that I need to face, that I need to fix before my wife comes back, if she ever ... comes back.
As I filled the glass, I lifted my other hand with the pills in it, to take them, but a soft hand stopped me. I looked next to me to see my wife with a pleading look on her face, quietly begging me not to. I tugged my arm around of her hand then put them in my mouth before downing them all with one gulp of water. Sadly she stared at me. I looked at her and my eyes landed on her baby bump. I rubbed it softly then kissed her forehead before walking away without a word.
I'm confused in my head right now, suddenly having regrets of getting Kayla pregnant, wishing that I was going to be a father in two days. I'm not ready to take care of a child, I can barely take care of myself. Taking the stairs slowly, I found myself at the nursery door. I pushed it open and just felt my heart quicken as I stared at how perfect everything is.
Slowly, I felt Kayla hug me from behind, but I simply stepped away from her. I glanced at her and she looked hurt, confused, maybe even lost. She was beautiful, she had no make up on, and looks like she hasnt showered yet today, but pregnancy it's a good look for her. She huffed, "Damn you." She whispered simply.
I just looked at her.
"Cant you just pretend you're ok, for the next few days?" She questioned with tears in her eyes.
I didnt respond to her, I just turned my head away. She said something, then left the room, shutting the door behind her. I havent seen her in two and half months, yet this time I dont find myself wanting to smother her in kisses. No, my fear of being a bad father have taken away from my lovey mood that i usually have when I get home from a tour.
Sitting down on the rocking chair, I ran my hands through my hair as my anxiety took over. Suddenly, I felt the pressure of everything and everyone. Before I came home, I had a sit down meeting with the label, though I love them there, they really stressed this upcoming record and how good they want it, how good everyone wants it.
Then I have Kayla, talking about Logan and how I'm going to be an amazing Dad to him. Well, I dont think I will be. Maybe I'm just too stressed, but right now it feels like I'm losing grip on my life, like I'm not the one who is controlling anything, the band, my marriage, my friendships. I need to be in control, I have to be, but as of lately I'm not. People are telling me what to do, everyone is wanting a piece of me in one way or another, whether it's a hug, or my songwriting, or both.
People are pushing and pushing and I just keep letting them. I'm drowning myself in booze and pills and I'm denying it. I live off of this stuff, if it wasnt for my pills and booze I would be insane, not that I'm sane now, but I'd be completely crazy if I didnt have this stuff, something kayla doesnt understand.
The nursery door opened and Kayla stood there, "I'm leaving."
I looked at her, "Ok."
"No. Craig ... I'm leaving." She repeated sternly, "As in, leaving you."
I just looked at her, "What?"
She was holding back tears, "I cant do it. You come in here, and you act this way, I just wanted to be close for these last few days and look at you, you're taking pills and pushing me away. I cant do it anymore, I just cant." She shook her head, "I want you there when I have Logan ... I need you there. But I cant stay here anymore."
"Are you divorcing me?" I asked with a worried voice, afraid that I'm going to lose the only girl that I have truly cared about.
"I dontknow yet, but I stay here." She informed me, "I love you Craigery, I love you so damn much, but I dont deserve this, I dont deserve to be pushed away, to be ignored, to be put on the back burner of your life because you can handle what you wanted, because you cant man up to your fears. You hide behind your pills and your booze, and ... and your books, lately you've become distant. I havent spoken to you in two weeks. You have avoided my calls you havent called me, you didnt answer my e-mails or texts, nothing, for two weeks I have been worried sick about you. This isnt a way for a marriage to survive."
She took a step closer, "Fix yourself Owens, get better, get everything together, then we can work on our problems, but we cant start until you fix yours."
I was dumbfounded, completely shocked. This came out of left field, completely unpredicted, right?
Gently, kayla gave me a kiss, whispered that she really wants me at the birth of our son then left with a quiet I love you but I have to go. As I stood there, I didnt feel my legs trying to run after her, or my voice try to call after her, I was frozen. Did I really bring this upon myself? So I havent spoke to her in two weeks, I was busy with the band, with meeting fans, with meetings with the label, doing interviews, photoshoots and filming a music video for "Baby you wouldnt last a minute on the creek" maybe I did force Kayla to do this.
Finally finding it in me to move, I walked out of the nursery and noticed at the house was empty. Tyler, Gwen, Natalie ... everyone gone. Loudly, I heard a cat meow. I looked down to see mister at my feet rubbing against my leg, then Miss hurried to me, meowing as well.
"She takes everyone else, but you two?" I asked softly then sighed as I started the stairs, "well, I guess its just the three of us." I mumbled, "I think I really fucked up this time around," I mumbled as I went into the kitchen. I managed to feed the cats before grabbing a beer and leaning against the counter top.
Slowly, I felt the pills kick in, numbing my pain. I took a swig of my beer as I let my tears slowly fall. I truly did fuck this one up and I dont know if I can fake my way out of this, this time, because ... I'm ok. I have problems that I need to face, that I need to fix before my wife comes back, if she ever ... comes back.