Memories and Rememberance

I'm freaking out. I can't live like this. It's insane, I'm losing my mind.

Well...the mind I don't have.

I've been trying as hard as I can, but this life- this me - just doesn't work.

I have to die. I just have to. I can't stand living. My mind, my body, my spirit just doesn't fit in. I can feel the stares, I can feel the air. I hate breathing, It's unbearable. It's like swallowing water. And eating; I don't like that either. When the food goes down it's revolting.

Get me out of here!

I've talked to him about it. I told him I want to leave. I told him I have to go back.

He won't let me.

He's taken this posessiveness over me. And it isn't just basic protectiveness or jealousy. It's deeper than that. He won't let me do anything without me telling him. If I have to go to the bathroom than I have to tell him.

He still gets those romantic moments where we just lay together and kiss. It still gives me that amazing feeling.

But it's not enough. I miss not knowing anything, I miss Amber, I miss getting strange flashbacks that could or could not mean something. I miss the ugly grey fog. I miss seeing no one but him, and Amber.

I miss relaxation.

I'm always on edge. I find myself snapping at him for no reason at all. He calls it PMS, something I've never heard of.

I just hate it!

I feel like a baby. I have to learn to do everything all over again. Eating, breathing, walking comes easy to me, but things like sex, and paying for things, and my period....what is this life?

He says he doesn't care about any of that. As long as he has me he's good. He's getting crazy.

I don't think he eats either. Or sleeps...does he do anything?

So I've made a plan. It took way more concentration and focus then I have to give, but I've managed.

It was an easy thing. I told him I was going to buy some tampons. He freaked out and let me leave. I didn't know how I was going to die, but I knew it would happen. Because I know I'm meant to be dead, so it'll happen.

I'm crossing the street and it looks like no cars are going to run over me. I take a right turn and enter a building. I don't know what it is, but it's big. I go up the elevator, and continue until the top floor. I don't go to the roof.

It's an office building, one of the many in New York City. I stand there, waiting. Nothing happens.

But then it does.

Someone comes rushing in with a black mask on, a gun in hand. This seems so cliche I almost laugh. A guy in a black suit with a serious look on his face goes forward slightly. He's scared, as are most of these people. I myself am not. I'm waiting, I want this to happen.

The guy in the mask brings the gun up.

"DON'T STEP ANY CLOSER! I WILL SHOOT!" Everyone ducks under the tables, a classic but stupid move. The guy in the suit steps back. I'm ready for this. I start walking towards him. He looks at me. Nothing is happening. Suddenly the police barge in, and the guy is taken away.

I'm baffled.

How does that happen? I was asking for death, I was right there. Life has become apart of me. I need to stop. I need to stop eating, breathing, do human things. And then I walk to the store to get tampons and go home. He's waiting there anxiously for me. He hugs me and kisses me a million times. The warmth is becoming more brief.

And then I'm still human. I'm still dying inside. And I'm still lost.

Get me out of here.