Sick of Me

Halloween had come and gone and it was the middle of November. Billie was constantly going back and forth between being decent to me and being a brick wall. I was starting to really worry about him and his state of mind but everyone else was telling me that I needed to be concerned about myself too. Mike, Tre, and their families were over all the time so it kind of kept the peace until we were alone. Then it was dirty looks and silent treatments galore.

Jack, Rita Mae, and I were playing a board game at the kitchen table after dinner on our designated game night. Candyland was their poison of choice tonight, much to my amusement. Usually all they wanted to play was Chutes and Ladders so this is a welcomed change.

"Where's Dad? I thought he was gonna play with us…" Rita Mae watched me shuffle the white cards as Jack returned the pieces to the start.

"I'll go find him, okay?"

They both nodded as I got up and silently headed for the basement and tiptoed down a few stairs so he wouldn't see me.

Billie was playing and it took a few strums of the acoustic guitar before I knew exactly what he was playing. I sat on the step and listened as he began to sing.

"Words get trapped in my mind.. I'm sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do. Cause the first day you came into my life, the time ticks around you and then I need your voice as a key to unlock all the love that's trapped inside of me. So tell me when it's time to say I love you…"

I felt so many different things flying through my head that I didn't know what to do. It had been so long since I last heard him sing that to me. I remember the first time, when we were nineteen, like it was yesterday. While he went on singing I got up and continued down the stairs, noticing that all of the recording equipment was turned off.

It took Billie a bit to realize that I was there and when he did his voice trailed off and his strumming slowed to a halt.

"After all these years you still haven't recorded it?"

He looked at me curiously, setting his black acoustic on a stand.

"It was never for anyone but you, you know."

I nodded, telling him that it still means as much to me now as it did back then.

"Oh… Are you going to come play Candyland? I bet they've played six times since I came down here."

Billie laughed and followed me up to the kitchen where we had our first full family game night in months.

I was getting ready for bed that night and Billie came in while I was brushing my teeth. He pulled off his shirt and pants, throwing them at the hamper and walking into the bathroom where I stood motionless.

"What?"

I didn't answer him but I shrugged as he looked at my pajamas disapprovingly. Apparently a t-shirt and shorts weren't acceptable now. I watched Billie's fingers tracing the lining of his boxer-briefs and I immediately reacted.

"What are you doing?" I had spit out my toothpaste as quickly as i could in order to speak.

"Huh? Oh I'm gonna take a shower."

"I'm kinda in here…"

"So?"

"Just wait a minute, okay?"

"It isn't like you haven't seen me naked before."

I could feel my cheeks turning pink so I rinsed my toothbrush and put it away before trying to exit the bathroom. Billie told me to wait so I turned back to him.

"Do you want to try going to counseling again?"

He had totally caught me off guard and he could tell.

"I really don't know. Last time was a disaster.. I don't want to go unless both of us are totally ready to work through this together. I know you and I said this before… You won't change unless you want to. I can tell that you don't want to."

The look on Billie's face told me everything including the fact that I was right. I told him to enjoy his shower, then I left the bathroom and closed the door behind me so I could go and check on the kids to make sure they were sleeping.

I took my time and even straightened up some stuff before heading back up to the bedroom. Billie was all settled in bed, his hair was still wet and probably smelled like his shampoo. I moved to leave but Billie told me to come to bed.

"I'm not tired." It was more than obvious that I was lying.

"You're tired, you just don't want to be in the same bed as me."

"Can you blame me?"

He suddenly changed the subject, stating that I was wearing one of his shirts. Rolling my eyes I tugged the shirt over my head and threw it at him, changing into a different shirt without realizing that he had been watching me the whole time.

"You're an asshole," I mumbled as I got into bed.

"Hey you're the one that just took her top off! I'm not complaining!"

"Well that's a first."

---

The next morning I woke up later than usual to find that Billie had sent Rita off to school and taken Jack to daycare. He told me that he had made an appointment with Dr Krull, who had an opening at ten.

"Really? I'll go get ready then…" I went and took a quick shower then dressed in a pair of dark jeans, an Adeline shirt, and Chucks.

Billie came upstairs while I was finishing up my hair and makeup. He stoke in the doorway to the bathroom watching me outline my eyes with black pencil and put on mascara. I declared that I was done and I swear I saw Billie smile as I put my things away.

"Wanna do me?"

I glanced up at Billie, not sure what he meant.

"Huh?"

"My eyes." He nodded to the eyeliner and I understood.

"Oh, sure." I told him to stand still as I uncapped the pencil and held it steadily. I let the side of my hand rest against his cheek and I dragged the pencil roughly so it looked like he had done it. Even though I had told him to look up, Billie watched me the whole time. I put the pencil down and set my palms on his cheeks, using my thumbs to smudge the eyeliner; I had become pretty good at this over the years. Billie put his hands on mine and I felt my heart begin to race.

"We have to get going…" I pulled away and put the eyeliner back.

At ten o'clock sharp I found myself in the same seat beside Billie that I had been in not too long ago across from Dr. Krull.

"Last time we spoke.. Grace, you had quite the outburst."

I nodded, feeling my face turn red.

"Yeah. I was out of line."

"No you were being honest. There's nothing wrong with that. Have there been any changes since our last meeting?" I shook my head and looked over at Billie, who was nodding.

"What's changed?" I was curious to find out too.

"Grace decided to take a 'business' trip to Los Angeles to party until she puked."

"Excuse me? I played two shows with my band! Yeah, we had after parties but I wasn't in LA to party. And I didn't throw up, for your information." I had no idea why he was bringing this up now. We had already argued about it once before.

"Billie, did you see Grace doing this?"

"Yeah. I flew down to LA for the second show. It got really out of hand and worried me."

"Obviously not enough because you didn't do anything while you were there. I didn't do anything you wouldn't have done. In fact, I was tame compared to you." I wasn't going to let him turn this on me.

"You lied though! You said you were going on business for your record store!" Apparently this is all Billie wants to discuss.

"I called to make appointments but everything was booked. I still wanted to go to LA so I went on a different type of business trip. I know that if I had told you that I was going for my band you would have flipped a bitch like you are now and I wouldn't have gotten to go. It wasn't even my idea to go! Your mother suggested it!"

By the look on Billie's face I could tell that he was shocked.

"Yeah. She said that I should let you feel what it's like to have the kids all to yourself for a few days. I guess that didn't work though. Who'd you get to watch them while you went to my show?" I had a feeling that it was Mike and Billie only confirmed it.

"Now look. Grace, why would you want to leave Billie with your kids? Is it because he does it to you?" Doug finally came into the conversation after just watching us interact.

"I guess, yeah. I want him to see what I do when he isn't around. It's a lot of hard work, raising two kids and running a business along with overseeing a record label that has a clothing line attached to it."

"You make it sound so tough." Billie rolled his eyes at me and I simply glared at him.

"I'd love to trade places with you, Billie Joe! I'd just love to sit in the basement and jam out with my
friends, writing songs. I would have no problem going to the studio and recording."

"You would have a problem touring though, huh?" Billie caught me so I admitted it. I nodded, saying that it would be difficult to leave the kids behind for weeks or months at a time.

Billie and I sat in silence, not looking at each other because I think we both knew we were on to something.

"Now we're getting somewhere," Doug smiled and concluded our session.