Sick of Me

We continued our counseling throughout November but things were still up and down. Like Dr. Krull had said, change wouldn't happen over night but that's what I wanted more than anything. Billie was trying, I could tell, but it seemed forced a lot of the time. There were moments where he was genuine and sweet. Those were few and far between though. For Thanksgiving we all went to Ollie's and managed to keep things from exploding in front of Billie's entire family. I had a feeling that before things could really get better they needed to hit rock bottom. Apparently we have yet to hit that low.

"Would you please stop, Billie Joe?" I was helping Jack tie his black Converse high tops and Billie was standing in the doorway of Jack's room, complaining about how I was going to make him late for his meet up with Mike and Tre.

"You can go whenever you want. I'm not keeping you here." I told Jack to grab his sweatshirt and I turned to Billie.

"I'm taking Jack though."

"You don't have to, okay?"

"But I want to… It's kinda my thing."

"You're going to be late. If you seriously are that concerned with being on time, leave now. If not, stop complaining."

"I'm ready Momma!" Jack stood in front of me, a bright, Billie-like smile on his face.

"Alright little man! Let's hit the road!" Billie grabbed his attention and Jack nodded, motioning for me to hug him.

"Have a good day, baby." I gave him a big hug and a kiss before letting him leave with Billie.

I didn't know how long Billie was going to be gone for so I went out and ran errands. When I came back from RPM, the grocery store, and a few other places Billie was in fact home.

He was in the kitchen constantly looking in the oven. I asked what he was doing and he said that he was making pizza. I noticed that he was in regular khaki shorts and a t-shirt, which was something different. Lately he was always wearing jeans but back when he was relaxed he wore more laid-back clothes.

"Do you want some"

I nodded, peeking into the oven and telling him that it was done. We sat at the kitchen table, eating pizza and drinking a few of the beers that Billie had recently hid in the back of the fridge. We rarely had liquor in the house since having the kids, but since our problems started I always saw it sitting in our refrigerator, out of their reach.

"How was your thing with the guys?"

"Fine. We just jammed and stuff. What have you been up to?"

"Errands, nothing too spectacular. I was thinking of going to that music store in San Fran… Do you want to come?"

"Alright that sounds cool."

I was surprised that he was so willing to go somewhere with me.

---

We finished lunch and I drove us across the bridge to our favorite little music store.

"It's amazing this place is still here.." I walked up and down the rows of guitars and their accessories, trying to think if I needed anything.

"Hey Gray, look at me!" I turned around and saw Billie with a harmonica rack over his shoulders and a guitar in his hands.

"Guess what I am?"

"Hm. You're a one man band!" We both laughed and the owner of the store came over to tell us to be careful with his merchandise like he always had for years. As the man walked away Billie looked at me with a hint of annoyance.

"Instruments are meant to be played not to sit on a stand and look good!"

"They do that pretty well too though, huh?" This made Billie laugh and shake his head as he went to put the harmonica rack away.

Billie Joe and I went to Powell Street and got pretzels before heading home. Rita Mae would be out of school and on the bus soon and Billie needed to get Jack. We walked into the house and I set my things down before walking over to Billie, who was grabbing his car keys.

"Hey Billie Joe?"

"What?" His emerald eyes focused on me intently as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Nothing. I just had a fun afternoon with you." I kissed his cheek before heading out to the bus stop to wait for Rita.

That night Billie was actually helping me do dishes after dinner.

"How about the kids spend the night with your dad on Saturday? I was thinking we could go out." Billie was trying to be casual but he sounded more nervous than anything.

"I think I like the sound of that."

---

Saturday night Billie took me out to dinner in San Francisco. A few years ago we had discovered a little alley near Market Street that was packed with tiny restaurants. Tonight we had Mediterranean and it was delicious.

"I'm glad we picked this over the French place." I started up another of the many conversations we had while waiting for our dessert- something called an exotic bomba.

"Yeah, this is a great spot."

Our dinner had been pleasant which was amazing to say the least. When we were done eating we walked around the bustling San Francisco streets window shopping and people watching. I felt stupid wearing a dress in the beginning of December and not bringing a jacket. Out of the blue, I felt Billie wrapping his coat around my shoulders and rubbing my arms.

"Thanks." I smiled, taking his hand and lacing our fingers together.

We went into a diner for coffee and I noticed something surprisingly familiar.

"Isn't that the photo booth we did our wedding invitations in?" Billie had read my mind.

"How about it?" I pulled a few dollars out of my purse and we slipped inside the tiny booth. We made fish faces in the first frame, went cross-eyed in the second, and simply smiled in the third. As we got ready for the camera to go off a fourth time, I faced the camera lens straight on and Billie was facing me. I felt his arms go around my waist and his lips pressed against my cheek, then I heard a click of the shutter.

"Come on let's wait for our pictures out here!" Billie pulled me out of the booth into the bright diner, where I watched him stare impatiently at the machine. When the strip appeared, Billie muttered a 'Finally' before grabbing it so we could see the results.

"These are great." I smiled once we were back at our table.

I didn't question his spontaneous affection in fear of jeopardizing it all together. We were sitting side by side drinking our coffee in silence, just enjoying our night. Billie put his arm around me casually and I settled into him, feeling content for the moment. I figured that I better take advantage of this strange behavior while it lasted.

"So do you want to go home soon?" I set my hand on his thigh, dragging my fingers back and forth mindlessly. Billie tilted his head back and his mouth hung open slightly. I put my fingers in his hair, gently tugging his head back up so I could give him a kiss.

"As soon as she brings the check we'll get out of here." Billie waved over our waitress and asked her to do just that.

It was midnight when Billie and I rushed into the house, trying to get upstairs as fast as we could without separating our lips. We got to the second floor in record time, all while somehow managing to undress each other on the way and Billie pulled me into the first guest bedroom on our left and shut the door. I shoved Billie back up against the door, staring him straight on.

"What?" He tried to lean forward and catch my lips with his but I held him back.

"Is this going to happen?"

"Oh come on Grace!" Billie groaned, grabbing my hips and bringing me towards him.

"No. I want to know if this whole day wasn't a waste. I need to know that we're not just gonna fuck and then go back to being at each other's throats."

"I promise. I'm not just saying that either, alright?"

I watched him carefully for a second, but I realized that the only way I'd really know is if I took a leap of faith. Nodding, I lessened my grip and a devious smile came over Billie's face.

---

The annoying brightness of the sun mixed with the stifled laughs of what sounded like Mike and Tre woke me up the next morning. Opening my eyes I saw that the guest room was in complete disarray. I turned to my left and saw Billie, still fast asleep, and my mind drifted to last night.

"We thought you two killed each other.."

"Then we saw the trail of clothes in the hall and here we are!" Tre smiled, then told me that it was nearly noon.

"What?" I looked at the clock.

"We tried calling…"

"Oh, sorry Mike. We took the phone off the hook."

"I can see that." He motioned to the phone that had obviously been pushed off of the bedside table last night.

"What's going on?" Billie rubbed his eyes tiredly and yawned, stretching his entire body from his fingertips to his toes.

"Looks like someone's got morning wood!" Mike laughed at Tre's comment and Billie turned red.

"If you had the night I did, shit.." That was all he could respond with.

"So, uh, what are you guys doing here?" I got the conversation back on track.

"Oh. Your dad called. He couldn't get a hold of you so he called us. We were sent to survey the battle zone, but it's pretty obvious that something else went on…"

"You got that right, Mike." Billie's smirk alone was enough to make me want to kick the two out and lock the door, so I did just that.

"Call my dad and tell him we're fine on your way out. We'll see you later."

"Well! We know where we're not wanted! Come on, Mike." Tre huffed, dragging mike out of the house with him.