Sick of Me

Two weeks after Rita Mae's Pokemon themed birthday I was busy organizing an Adeline CD release at RPM. Every night after the kids went to bed for the last three nights I have stayed up till 3 a.m. just working non-stop. I know I could have just delegated the task but I wanted it to be perfect because it was also the two year anniversary of the store's opening.

Billie Joe had gone out today and it was strange that he wasn't back by the time I put Jack and Rita to bed. He had probably gone out drinking with the guys and lost track of time… It was a pretty common thing for him to do lately. Except now instead of driving himself home after a night out he would have one of the guys take him home or take a taxi.

It was getting close to midnight when I started to get worried. If he was going to be out late he would at least have the decency to call and leave a message or tell me beforehand now. I grabbed my cell phone and went into the kitchen for a glass of water, dialing Billie's number.

I swore I heard a ringing sound nearby so I went into the foyer and saw Billie standing there looking as pale as a sheet. I hung up immediately and set my phone down, walking over to the very still man.

"Billie Joe… Babe, where have you been?"

He flinched as I touched his cheek and noticed that he had been crying, which set off a huge red flag.

"What happened?"

Billie wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his forehead on my shoulder. I rubbed his back, trying to get him to tell me what was going on. It took a few minutes, but he eventually spoke.

"It was the scariest moment of my entire life." His voice was barely above a whisper and I heard it crack slightly. I gently tugged on his hair, pulling his head up so he could look at me.

"Please, tell me what happened."

With tears welling up in his green eyes, he told me that he was mugged at gunpoint. I could smell the liquor and cigarettes on his breath but he was as sober as I was. I held him as close as I possibly could for a few minutes before taking his trembling hand and leading him to our room, making sure to peek in on the sleeping Jack and Rita Mae on our way up. I got Billie to take a hot shower and I brought up a mug of hot chocolate for him.

"I thought you'd want something to warm you up and help you get to sleep."

He nodded, taking the #1 Dad mug and I brushed his hair out of his eyes, trying to stay strong for him. We settled into bed and Billie sat up, sipping his cocoa carefully and staring at a wall blankly. Although I was laying down, I took his hand and squeezed it so that he knew I was there for him. He wouldn't tell me the details of what happened tonight, but I knew he would in time.

A few hours after Billie finally fell asleep he was having nightmares… When he woke up sobbing I held him close and cradled him soothingly like I did every time one of the kids had a bad dream. Billie wasn't going to be the same after this, I just knew it.

---

The next day I kept Rita Mae home from school and didn't take Jack to day care. I wanted them to spend the morning with their father because it was obvious to me that Billie wanted to be with them today. Of course we didn't tell them what happened, but I think they knew something was up.

"Daddy are you feeling okay?" Rita held her small hand to Billie's forehead after breakfast.

"I'm feeling just fine babydoll." He smiled at her, knowing that Rita loved pretending to be a nurse whenever he was sick. She was good at it, too.

I asked the kids what they wanted to do and Billie said that he already had something in mind.

"And what would that be?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you!"

When we got to the aquarium I noticed the kids' excitement as well as my own. We hadn't been here in years and I knew the kiddos would have a blast. I made sure I had my camera before getting out of Billie's car. This was their first visit and I wanted to capture it all on film. I followed behind Billie, who was holding onto each child's hand with his as we entered the aquarium and I snapped a picture discreetly, feeling oddly like the paparazzi.

"Come on Momma!" Jack was calling back to me so I went and took his other hand with a smile.
While the kids were touching sea slugs Billie and I watched them from a slight distance.

"I don't know what we're gonna tell them." I knew Billie had been thinking about it nonstop, this and the DUI, so he took the initiative and vocalized what he was thinking.

"We will when the time is right. Just enjoy this and worry later."

"It's easier said than done. I keep reliving it over and over."

I slid an arm around his waist, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"You can't stay in the past.. I need you here and so do they."

I knew that Billie was trying his best, but it seemed like he was trying too hard to act as if nothing had happened at all.

When we got to the shark tank I was still as amazed as ever. Jack was intrigued too, so I held him in my arms as we watched the sharks swim. Billie Joe and Rita Mae sat on a nearby bench and looked bored after they got tired over looking in the same tank.

"Jack, what is that?" I pointed to a shark as it swam by us.

'Sand shark!" The little guy was an enthusiast so I wasn't surprised that he knew.

---

After exploring the aquarium for a few hours the kids explored the gift shop. Jack ended up getting a great white shark stuffed animal and Rita Mae picked out a little stuffed leopard seal. We were all pretty tired at the end of the day so instead of making dinner I ordered pizza.

I watched Billie's interactions with the kids carefully after we ate. He was asking them lots of questions and trying to get to know them better than he already did. The three sat on the floor in the living room and while Rita Mae colored, Billie and Jack rough housed.

When it came time for them to go to bed, Billie took extra care tucking each of them in. I peeked in on him as he finished up reading a story to Rita Mae.

"Alright, give me a hug babydoll." Billie engulfed his daughter in a hug and I overheard her saying 'I love you daddy.'

I went up to my office to continue working on the release party. This was the first major thing I was putting together because of the two year anniversary and everything. Not long after I started working, Billie came into the room. He sat on the sofa and watched silently as I continued my planning. I felt his eyes on my back so I set my purple pen down and turned to face him.

"What's up, dude?"

Billie shook his head and remained quiet.

"You know silence is our biggest enemy." I don't know why I had to remind him that our lack of communication was one of our biggest problems.

"Today wouldn't have happened if I wasn't out drinking or if I didn't give the guys that mugged me all the cash I had in my pockets. I still can't get it out of my head." There it was. He was all liquored up and got mugged. I didn't want to press him too much for details though.

"I don't think you're going to be able to for a while, honestly. I don't know what happened but you obviously did the right thing otherwise you wouldn't be here." I didn't even want to think of what I'd be doing right now if Billie hadn't come home that night.

"This sounds stupid, but when those guys pulled that gun on me I saw my whole life flash by, but then I saw the future too, and everything I'd miss if I did anything stupid."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Billie looked down at his sock-covered feet and shook his head. I told him that it was okay and that I'd be here whenever he wanted to talk.

"Can Mike, Tre, and the Jasons come over tomorrow? I already invited them but I didn't know if you had anything planned…"

"I'm going to be out and about doing stuff for the release party, but yeah. You guys just have to keep your eyes on our babies."

Billie grumbled and I gaped at him.

"Those are your children, Billie Joe!"

He laughed quietly, telling me that he was only kidding and I rolled my eyes.

"Trust me, those kids are without a shadow of a doubt the most important things in my life.. You are too."

"I know, I know. They're my pride and joy too."

We merely looked at each other and we both must have gotten the same feeling. Our counseling sessions were starting to pay off.

"Are you gonna go to bed?"

The clock on the wall said it was pretty late, even by our standards.

"Nah, I thought I'd stay up and help you with whatever you need help on!"

"Well that's awfully sweet of you. What's the catch?" I knew Billie would rarely just give up sleep voluntarily.

"No catch Grace! I just want to help so you can go to bed too!"

So together, Billie Joe and I spent another hour or two fine tuning the details of my event.