Sick of Me

I had been patient with Billie Joe after his mugging but Rita Mae was apparently done after two weeks of being sensitive to him.

"Daddy, why are you acting different?" Rita, Jack, and I had been kicking the soccer ball back and forth while Billie watched from the patio as he smoked a cigarette. I always told him to avoid smoking around the kids but today he didn't seem to care.

"Different how, baby doll?" He seemed surprised by her question but I wasn't. She had been asking me about it nonstop and I just kept telling her to ask Billie herself. Rita shrugged, saying something about how he's been acting really weird.

Billie looked to me and I nodded, letting him know that it was time to tell the kids about what happened. Not the DUI though, that would have to wait for when they're older.

"Let's go inside.." I ushered the kids into the living room and Billie came in shortly after putting out his cigarette. Once we were all sitting on the couch I looked at Billie and gave him a reassuring nod.

"A couple of weeks ago I was out working and that night I was walking a few blocks back from where I ate dinner to where my car was and I got mugged."

Billie left out the fact that he had been drinking probably to save the kids from any more confusion. Of course Jack asked what that meant and before Billie or I could explain, Rita Mae told him that it was when 'bad people take all of the money from your pockets or else they hurt you'.'

"Wait. They could have hurt you?" Rita's mouth fell open as Billie nodded.

"Thankfully they didn't. They told me to give them my money so I did and they let me leave."

"I'm glad you're okay daddy!" Jack hugged Billie tightly, refusing to let go.

"Thanks buddy, I'm glad too." He wrapped his arms around Jack and ruffled his fluffy, dark hair.

"Did you know the people? What would they have done if you didn't give them money or you didn't have any?" Rita Mae watched Billie look up from Jack and shake his head.

"I didn't know them and I really don't know what they would have done.. And I don't want to think about it, alright?"

"Alright."

Billie and I both knew that Rita Mae was wise beyond her years, but she surprised us with her empathy today after Billie told her that. It was good to know that some of the things we were teaching our kids stuck with them.

---

"Rita Mae is a little know-it-all, just like you Billie Joe." I was doing my usual Tuesday house cleaning while the kids were at school and day care and Billie actually decided to help me.

"Yeah but she's full of useful knowledge like you, y'know?" For some reason Billie always tried to make himself look less intelligent than he is. He knew just as well as I did that he's anything but stupid.

"Billie you're not dumb. Quit making yourself out to be less than you really are all the time. Have some confidence." On stage, Billie was the most confident man in the world and we both knew it.

"It's different when you have a degree from fucking Berkeley."

"It isn't like you can't get a GED and go to school now. You just choose not to." I told Billie that he always teaches me new things because he's full of random information from his travels.

"That's cause I sit around and watch the History channel whenever we're on the tour bus."

I told Billie to stop whining and I squirted him with the Windex I was using to clean the bathroom mirror.

"Oh, we're gonna play that way are we?" Billie looked down at what he had in his hand and sighed. I guess he didn't want to spray me with Comet bathroom cleanser because he told me that I had won this round, but he'd get me when we were cleaning the kitchen.

"Hey Beej, would you be my date to the release party on Saturday?" I wasn't sure if this was decided already or not so I thought I would ask as the four of us ate dinner together at the kitchen table.

"Uh… I already have a date."

I stared at him blankly with no clue what to say.

"Ooh, Daddy's gonna get it!" Jack let out a high pitched giggle and Rita shot him a dirty look.

"Rita Mae, don't look at your brother like that." Billie's surprisingly stern voice changed when his eyes shifted from the kids to me. "Besides, I'm going with the most amazing woman on the planet."

"Who? Winona?!" Jack has had a crush on Winona Ryder since she came to visit not long before her arrest.

"No silly goose! Your mother!" Billie's smile was so wide that it made him squint with delight.

"You're quite the charmer.." I laughed as I twirled my spaghetti on my plate.

There were times when Billie knew how to make me feel like I'm worth my weight in gold and now was definitely one of those moments. Every time he is like this, though, I can't help but wonder, albeit in the corners of my mind, when this will wear off and he'll go back to telling me I'm not worthy.

I watched Billie whisper to Jack and the little boy nodded in excitement. They both had the same devious smirks on their faces and the next thing I know they're both acting normal.

"Alright, what's going on you two?"

The boys shrugged and said nothing, but I didn't buy it. A few minutes later, I looked over at them and Jack's face was covered in spaghetti sauce and he's trying to give me a huge kiss.

"Jackson Danger, cut it out now." He immediately halted, knowing that I meant business.

"Daddy told me to!"

I cleaned off the boy's face and glanced at Billie, who mumbled that his own son ratted him out.

"We're supposed to be a team! Boys against girls!"

"Good thing he's a momma's boy then."

Rita Mae cut in, offering to be on Billie's team. She was just like her father after all.

"I think the tables have turned, Grace! I got the resourceful one!" Billie laughed maniacally until I asked him who she got it from.

"I'll do the dishes. You go give spaghetti face a bath." Billie quickly got up from the table and began cleaning up our plates while I sat in awe.

"I'll help!" Rita jumped up with her plate and cup.

"Why thank you baby doll! You'll get extra quarters in your cup this week!"

We had been trying out a reward system for household chores. They weren't old enough for the big stuff, but if they put away toys, set the table, and did other simple tasks they would get a quarter every time or more, depending on our moods or theirs. So far it seemed to be working.

---

Billie and I secluded ourselves in the basement after the kids had gone to bed. We were starting to write songs together and we were getting some interesting results. Billie refused to touch a guitar until he finishes lyrics, so this was our first night trying to find a sound for our voices. This was different for him because he usually wrote everything and had everything planned out before showing songs to Mike and Tre. He actually had to work with me now to put together songs.

"You're too garage sounding… Like a Southern California summer in the 1960's." Billie was obviously annoyed by the way I chose to take it.

"You're too grunge-punk. It needs to feel effortless!"

We needed to find a median but neither of us would budge.

"We should spend a day at 880.." Billie referred to Green Day's enormous studio in Alameda. I hadn't been invited to play there in years let alone to record.

"That would be interesting. What if we released our own little EP?"

Billie and I laughed at the thought; so many rock stars released cheesy albums with their spouses.

"When was the last time you were at 880?"

"Probably when you guys got that piano and wanted me to help redecorate."

Billie let out a quiet 'wow' and that it was forever ago. His fingers ran along the neck of his guitar and he strummed a few familiar chords, asking if I remembered when he wrote the song 'Church on Sunday' for me. I nodded solemnly, having thought that we had put that behind us.

From 1999 to 2000 Billie had been out of control. He was basically a compulsive liar for months and was using drugs that were a lot harder than pot. It got to the point where I was so frightened for him when he did meth or cocaine that I was going to take Rita Mae and sixteen-month-old Jack and leave.

"When I realized that I was out of control and that it was driving you away I panicked. This song was all I could think of to tell you how sorry I was."

I told him that I knew and that I hoped he would realize what we were doing to one another right now before it was too late.

"I don't think it's gotten through my think head yet, y'know? I'm trying, Gray."

"I know. But Billie Joe, you have to see the whole picture. I don't want to use the D-word, but I think a separation might be in our future if we don't fix things for good."

I saw a light go off in Billie's head; it was like I had struck the fear of God in him because he immediately began playing new, powerful chords that went with our new song we had written. I think everything had started to sink in for him.