Sick of Me

[Grace]

It had been a few weeks since Billie left on tour and things were going like they usually did whenever he was gone. The kids had sulked around during the first couple of days but now they're back to their normal routines and everything had been going smoothly otherwise.

Before Billie had left, we told Jack and Rita Mae that they were going to be getting another sibling in a few months and they seemed pretty thrilled. Rita loved being a big sister and Jack was just excited at the thought of having a brother.

We were in the middle of May now, Rita was almost done with school and I was seventeen weeks into my pregnancy, but that didn't keep me from working or doing my normal things. My day hadn't been going well though because I was having some back pain, but I figured that was pretty normal. I had done some cleaning around the house today, so it was probably because of that.

Ollie was coming over in a bit to spend the Friday night with us because she thought the kids were being a bit much for me to handle by myself. When the doorbell rang I was laying on the couch watching Jeopardy.

"Grandma!" Jack and Rita ran to the door and I got up to let Ollie inside.

Once she was done hugging the kids and settling in, Ollie and I got caught up at the dining room table.
We were looking through magazines and listening to raspberry lemonade when Ollie made a comment about my weight.

"You just look like you've been losing weight rather than gaining it." She seemed concerned, which didn't surprise me. Ollie just loved taking care of people.

"I hadn't really noticed, but now that you mention it, I guess you're right. But I have been eating well and taking my vitamins though."

"Just ask the doctor at your next visit." I nodded, continuing to thumb through the Rolling Stone magazine as Ollie looked at a copy of People. I didn't really think much of it for the rest of the day, I just played with the kids and did whatever it is that I normally do.

I felt alright throughout the rest of evening and when I went to bed, but I woke up in the middle of the night with the most excruciating back pain I had ever felt in my entire life. I tried to lay as still as possible and when that didn't work, I tried to get up. I sat in my bed, looking over at Billie's side and wishing that he was here with me, but he wasn't, so I had to take care of myself. I made my way into the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding, so I quickly grabbed my phone and returned to the bathroom, calling Billie Joe.

[Billie Joe]

It was nearly seven am in Atlanta and I was asleep when I heard my stupid cell phone ringing. I always kept it on now during tour in case of an emergency. I picked up the phone to hear Grace's frightened, yet oddly clam, voice on the other end.

"Billie Joe, I think something's wrong with me."

I immediately sat up and turned on the light, now wide awake.

"What is it?"

"I think it's the baby. I'm having the worst pains right now and I'm freaking out." I could just hear it in her voice- the agony, the fear, the confusion, and I wished I was right there holding her hand and doing something.

"Your mom is here though… I haven't woken her up yet." She seemed so far away and I snapped her attention back to me.

"Grace go wake her up right now." I heard her rustling around and getting up. Apparently she was walking to whichever guest room my mom was in.

"Ollie? Hey, uh, not to alarm you but something isn't right with the baby." Grace's quiet voice was trying not to freak my mom out but she was naturally a worried woman. I heard her flipping out in the background after Grace told her what was happening and she said they needed to go to the hospital.

"Billie Joe, I'm gonna have to call you back." As much as I didn't want her to hang up, I knew she had to.

"Alright, but you need to promise me that you will no matter what."

Grace said that she promised and that she loved me.

"I love you too." And then her line went dead.

I grabbed a pack of cigarettes from my suitcase and a lighter from my jeans, heading out onto the balcony. Things had been going so well on tour that it was ridiculous. Although we were co-headlining with Blink 182, we upstaged them night after night. People were coming just to see us and leaving before
Blink even hit the stage and everyone knew it. Unfortunately there weren't any breaks on this tour, so there would be no way for me to get home if I needed to, but hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

I sat outside with my cigarettes, staring at my phone for hours waiting for it to ring. Around ten, Mike and Tre came to get me for breakfast, but I didn't want to move.

"We have a set tonight, we gotta eat and go to sound check." Mike leaned against the balcony railing and I rubbed my tired eyes with my palms. When Tre said something about how exhausted I looked, I tugged at my hair nervously.

"Grace called me at like seven. She was in a lot of pain and thought something was going on with the baby, so my mom took her to the hospital." Mike and Tre stared at me with sympathetic looks and I stood up, saying that I was hungry.

---

I kept my phone with me throughout the day and I hadn't felt this stressed out in a long time. I was on autopilot for the rest of the day, just waiting for my phone to ring and it was making me more and more anxious as the time passed. When we were at sound check for the show, Mike and Tre were doing their best to make me feel somewhat better.

"Maybe she just forgot to call…" Tre twirled his drum sticks as Mike checked his microphone and I rolled my eyes, strumming my guitar a few times.

"She promised. Grace wouldn't forget something like this… I know she wouldn't."

"I bet it's just a false alarm. That happens a lot during pregnancies." Mike was only trying to help, but I was still fighting off a looming panic attack. I hated not knowing what was going on almost as much as I hated not being there with Grace and the kids.

"Call her after the show, ok?" I nodded at Mike, taking a few deep breaths and continuing the sound check.

The guys and I played our set with no problems. I pushed everything out of my mind and focused all of my energy on having the best show possible. Mike and Tre must have noticed because they put in just as much energy as I did, making a great show.

Afterwards I told the guys to go to the usual after party without me. They both gave me skeptical looks, but I reassured them that I was alright. Once they left, I sat on the hotel bed and pulled out my phone to call Grace, but it started to ring, so I picked it up.

"Speak of the devil. I was just about to call you."

"Billie Joe…" Grace's voice completely gave her away. She must have been crying for hours.

"You don't have to say it, Gray, I understand." I ran my free hand through my hair, doing whatever I could to keep from crying too.

"The doctors said it wasn't anything I did wrong… It was just one of those weird things. I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault…" I had no idea how to console her from 2,000 miles away. I asked if my mom was there and Grace said that she was staying until Rita Mae finished school.

"So you're still coming on tour?" I was surprised that she still wanted to.

"Yeah, the kids are really excited for it." Grace let out a shaky breath and I felt my heart breaking for her. There's no way I would ever know what she was going through right now, but I was hurting too.

"Hey Grace? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be right now, y'know?" I didn't have many religious convictions or beliefs, but I do think that everything happens for a reason.

"I have to go now, Billie." I must have said the wrong thing, so I apologized quickly and told her I loved her a few times before I finally let her hang up.

Once I had gotten myself together, I joined the guys and got completely shitfaced.