Sick of Me

I packed a bag for Billie Joe with a bunch of his clothes and toiletries, just so it would be ready for when he was sobered up. I left a note in the bag for him, saying that this was for his own good as well as mine and the kids, and that he wasn't allowed home until he gets his act together. I hated that it came to this, but I was sick of dealing with Billie's drunken nights. It didn't need to be this way, and this was my last resort.

"He can call the kids to tell them goodnight if he wants to, but I don't want him coming around here, okay? If he needs more of his stuff, I can bring it over or you can pick it up."

Tre and I sat in the living room while Mike was on duty in the basement.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He looked at me as I sat on the floor, drawing in one of Rita's coloring books that sat on the coffee table.

"Nothing else has worked. I have no other options right now."

"I know Billie is really stubborn. He isn't gonna change unless he wants to."

"Yeah, well I don't really want to wait around for him to realize what he's gonna lose when he's already about to lose it. This has to work, Tre. I can't lose him."

"Well for all your sakes I hope it does."

It took Billie a while to sober up enough for Mike to bring him up from the basement, and when I caught glimpse of him him my heart ached.

"You're gonna be going home with Tre, okay Billie?" Mike had his hand on Billie's shoulder to steady him as they came into the living room and I watched him shrug.

I didn't want him to see me before he left, so I tried to quickly escape to the kitchen, but I wasn't fast enough.

"Grace?" I turned to Billie Joe and saw him looking at me with miserable, bloodshot eyes. I didn't say anything, I just stared at him as coldly as I could.

"I am so sorry… I- I don't know what came over me." He tried to move closer to me, but Mike kept him back.

"I think you guys should leave now. I have to go get the kids." I grabbed the bag I had packed for Billie and gave it to Tre, who nodded solemnly.

"What's that bag for? Are you leaving, Grace?" Billie looked absolutely broken when I told him that I wasn't leaving, but he was.

"Can't we talk about this?" I could tell that he was too tired to put up much of a fight and he must have had a huge headache from everything he drank earlier.

"No, we can't. I'm a 'fucking bitch,' remember?" I hated using his own words against him. I hated seeing tears well up in his eyes and I wanted nothing more than to pull him into my arms and tell him that everything was going to be alright. That wouldn't fix anything though.

"Grace, please." He was trying his hardest not to break down right there, I could hear it in his quivering
voice.

"Not now. You're in no condition to have the kind of talk I want to have with you." I hadn't realized how that sounded until I saw Billie turn as white as a ghost.

He shook his head furiously, muttering, "No, no no. This isn't happening."

Mike and Tre looked between us sadly, unsure of what they should do.

I told him to take a deep breath, concerned that he was having a panic attack. Billie held up his hand as if to say he was fine and I nodded, feeling only slightly relieved.

---

It had been a few weeks since Billie Joe had gone to stay with Tre. I had to tell Jack and Rita Mae that their dad had gone on a little tour with Pinhead Gunpowder, since Mike and Tre were still coming over. Rita had started second grade and Jack began pre-school today, which was a huge thing. The little guy had been so excited and wanted to tell Billie all about it when he got home, so I decided to call Tre.

"Hey, how's he doing?"

"He's angry. I don't really know what else to say. I think deep down he knows you did what you thought was best, but he's still mad."

"Well, Jack wants to tell him about his first day of pre-school. Is he around?"

Tre went to get Billie and I handed the phone to my son before I had to hear his voice. I knew that if I did, I would let him come home in a heartbeat.

The two chatted for a few minutes and then Jack brought me the phone, holding it away from his face.

"Daddy wants to talk to you."

"Tell him that momma's busy." I pretended to be reading something important looking as Jack repeated my words to Billie.

The little boy hung up after saying, "I love you too, Daddy!" and gave me the phone to put on the receiver.

I didn't know how long this was going to go on for, but I hoped that Billie would see the light soon.

"Daddy says that he needs more shirts and undies." Jack looked curious and I told him I would give them to the underwear fairy so she could bring them to whatever city Billie was playing in. He firmly believed in the fairy, which amazed me. Children were fascinating little things.

---

The next morning when the kids were at school I packed a bunch of stuff for Billie and brought it over after calling Tre to make sure he was home. I tried to get in and out quickly and quietly, but Billie must have super hearing or a sixth sense like his mother or something.

"Grace is that you?" I heard his voice trailing from upstairs then his footsteps brought him into my view as I stood in the living room with Tre.

I took in his appearance immediately; he was unshaven, but looked like he had showered recently. He had dark circles around his eyes, signaling late nights if his insomnia hadn't come back at full force. The dark roots of his hair were almost as long as the bleach blond trying to cover them and I found it rather attractive on him.

"Hi, Billie Joe." I nodded at him slightly, unsure of what else to do.

"How are you?"

"Good, and yourself?"

"Fantastic." The sarcasm was dripping from his voice and I muttered that I should get going. I set down the bag I had brought and said goodbye to Tre, who was watching Billie like a hawk.

"Please don't go yet. I want, no, I need to talk." Billie's voice was softer now and it was filled with sincerity. Tre cut in, giving me a reassuring look and saying that he was going to pick up some parts for one of his drum kits he was working on fixing up.

When Billie and I were alone in Tre's house, I felt uneasy to say the least. We went into the dining room and sat at the cluttered table, looking at anything but each other.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Billie." I finally broke the silence.

"You don't have to say anything. I just want to tell you that I'm an idiot."

"That's quite the understatement, don't you think?" I was surprised that he was even admitting that he was wrong.

Billie nodded, saying that he was out of control and of course I agreed with him.

"It just feels like I've grown up and you haven't. I work and take care of the kids and the house while you go and do whatever the fuck you want with your friends and play shows and get trashed. Do you know how long it's been since I was completely wasted? Too fucking long." I recalled being pretty gone at Sarah's wedding, which seemed like forever ago.

"Maybe you should go out more often then." Billie crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair.

"I can't do anything on a whim because I have to worry about Jack and Rita Mae! If I want to do anything when you're gone, I have to find someone to watch them ahead of time and it's just a hassle so I don't even bother."

Billie told me that his mom has no problem watching them, and I said that I hate pawning them off on her.

"Then that's your own problem, you know? I do what I want because it's who I am. It's who I've always been and you know that."

"Don't you think that's a little selfish? You don't care how I feel about anything or how it affects the kids? Since the masters of your record were stolen, they've only seen you completely sober a handful of times."

"I'm having a hard time dealing with it…"

I asked if drowning his sorrows in liquor was helping and he hesitated.

"No.. But I don't know what else to do."

Running a hand through my hair, I tried to make up my mind.

"If I let you come home right now, can you promise me something?"

Billie nodded hesitantly, unsure what to expect.

"Please, please find a way to deal with problems that doesn't include drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol." Billie Joe rubbed his tired eyes and heaved a sigh.

"I'll do anything it takes to be able to go to bed next to you tonight." I nodded, telling him to go get his things so we could go home.